


Hold Me Down

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Asphyxiation, BDSM, Bondage, Canon Compliant, Death, Depression, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, Praise Kink, Rimming, Safeword Use, Sexual Tension, Smut, Spanking, post ACWNR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:57:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 69,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4065883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Levi, trying to punch Erwin in the face was some sort of sick attempt at relieving his pain. He was asking for a punishment, and would gratefully accept it. For Erwin, it sparks an arousal that he knows isn't allowed under their professional requirements. It's only a matter of time before everything spirals far out of their control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sugoilevi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugoilevi/gifts).



> I need to stop
> 
>  
> 
> [[Listen to the song that inspired this here]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKnG2d9tZdU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a drabble which turned into a one shot which turned into a full blown fic. The plot is fairly basic (although interesting enough to warrant more chaps) and will be more of an episodic character study into Levi and Erwin's dynamic post-ACWNR, as well as an exploration of the sexual tension between them and eventually BDSM.

Levi knew how much insubordination would cost him. He would either get kicked out, suspended or beaten informally. He was prepared - hell, he _wanted_ \- any of those three options. 

It was borderline masochistic, but nobody needed to know that. Levi was three expeditions into his time at the Survey Corps, and nobody really cared for him. A bubbly and slightly insane soldier named Hanji had made an attempt to reach out to him, but it was fairly pointless. Nobody really wanted him here, and he couldn't take the conflict between his heart and the reality of his life anymore. He had seen so many people die already, and it was piling up, crushing him under an impossible weight. 

He wanted all the death and destruction and _hate_ to stop. 

And what a better way to try and get what he wanted than by taking a hit at the man who had played a part in his recruitment. It was juvenile, and petty, but he couldn’t help but go for Erwin’s face with his fist the minute he had the blond alone. 

Erwin steps forward before Levi can - before Levi’s fist even begins to reach his face - and pins him to the wall, effectively rendering him useless. Fingers press into Levi’s neck, right into his jugular, making him feel lightheaded seconds.

“Do it,” Levi mutters, his vocal cords scraping along his throat, trying desperately to speak. “Kill me. I _dare_ you.”

“No,” Erwin whispers, his fingers slowly relaxing and releasing Levi’s throat. Levi immediately haunches over, heaving deep breaths of air into his starved lungs.

He stares up at Erwin, his anguished face barely visible in the twilight. 

“Fuck you,” Levi spits. “You spineless coward, you should have done it.”

“No.” Erwin is calm, and it leaves Levi dumbfounded. How can he be so nonchalant after living the damned life of a Survey Corps soldier? How can he do it day after day, month after month, year after year? 

Levi is at breaking point, while Erwin - who is composed pretty much every second of the day - goes about his business like nothing is wrong. For Erwin, death and destruction and hate is normalcy. And Levi envies his ability to be so stoic. 

“I attacked you,” Levi taunts. “I attacked you, so _fucking kill me._ ”

“I’m not going to kill you. That’s not how we do things here.”

“Then send me to Shadis. Punish me for treason. Beat me to the ground. _Do something._ ” Levi tries to step forward so he can take another swing, but Erwin is one step ahead. Always.

He takes Levi’s wrists and pins them to the wall again. “Stop it,” he grunts, struggling to contain Levi’s strength. Levi is strong, just as strong as Erwin; he could overpower him if he really wanted to.

But instead, Levi slips. His control wavers as Erwin uses more and more force against him, effectively holding him down. And as he does, Erwin’s body draws closer and closer to Levi’s, just barely hovering over each other. Levi wouldn’t be surprised if the sheer size of Erwin’s body swallowed him whole. 

He shivers, despite the fact that it feels _so_ hot.

“Erwin,” Levi gasps, the name sounding foreign on his lips. He realises he's never actually said the name aloud, only spoken of him by formalities or pronouns. 

They're close. His eyes, and their brilliant blue, stare into Levi’s with such intensity that Levi can’t possibly look away. Erwin has him trapped and mesmerised, in both body and mind. Levi can feel the tension - he can _feel_ the way Erwin looks at him - as if he's begging Levi to make the first move. But Levi will play this like a game; provoke Erwin and draw out the visible desire lingering just below his skin. 

“Do it,” he taunts, almost spitting into Erwin’s face. “Do it, _I dare you._ ”

Erwin drops one of Levi’s wrists and roughly takes his jaw into his hands. He presses forward in one swift motion, lips brushing only slightly, before leaving as quickly as they came.

It is the tamest kiss Levi has ever experienced.

Erwin drops his other wrist, straightens his body, and starts to walk away. Levi feels anger rise in his bones, making his fists clench once again. 

“You fucker!” Levi yells, restraining himself from punching at Erwin's stupid face again. “That was the shittiest fucking kiss ever.”

Catching Levi by surprise, Erwin turns around, this time with no intention to be gentle. He backs Levi harshly into the wall, his lips hovering over him with a firm finality this time. Their foreheads bang together, and Levi can feel the hot sweat that shines Erwin's skin. It's like Erwin is trying to frustrate him, playing the game just as well as Levi is. Erwin doesn’t want to make the first move either.

“You’re testing my control,” he says, while Levi breathes in the warmth he leaves. 

“You’re a coward who won’t kiss me proper-” 

Levi’s words catch in his throat, cut off from being said as Erwin’s head lunges forward, taking Levi’s lips harshly.

It's too covered in saliva to be Levi’s favourite kiss ever, but he isn’t looking for gentle or perfect. He wants to be pushed around and hurt. He wants to feel bruises on his skin for days afterward. He wants to feel something, anything, that will distract him from the real pain he harbours in his heart.

And Erwin is definitely going to leave him feeling bruises. He's moving against Levi slowly, rocking his lips back and forth, but he's also pressing hard, insistent in gaining more friction. 

Levi drops his jaw slightly, gasping into Erwin’s mouth as their tongues meet. It's so dirty and disgusting, unlike what Levi usually prefers, but it's so fucking erotic at the same time. His tongue curls into Levi’s mouth with just enough pressure to leave him basically begging for more, opening his mouth wide and willing for Erwin to take. It doesn’t help that they are in a room with an unlocked door, where anybody could walk in. Levi doesn’t know if Erwin has realised this, or if he's just as turned on by the idea as Levi is.

Levi steadies himself from falling over by clinging to Erwin’s jacket pathetically, grasping at something to anchor him. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this - pressed into the wall, making out like horny teenagers, teeth and tongue and lips tearing through each other with no finesse - but it feels like an eternity.

“Fuck,” Levi whispers when they part. 

“Was that a better kiss?” Erwin asks, eyes following the line of Levi’s body to find a bulge at the front of his pants. “Don’t say anything, I can clearly see the answer.”

“Fuck you!” 

“Maybe some other time.”

“No. _Now._ ”

Erwin’s hand rises to his face, rubbing at his forehead and at the bridge of his nose. “You don’t understand what you do to me.”

“Wait!” Levi insists, tearing Erwin’s hand away from his face. “What do you mean by that?”

“You’re so beautiful and alluring, it’s hard to keep my hands to myself.”

Levi scoffs. It doesn't surprise him that Erwin would sprout some sort of poetic shit like that when he's horny. He doubts his words are true; he just wants to whip his dick out and get a good fuck.

“Then don’t keep your hands to yourself,” Levi says, like the answer is simple. He can't comprehend why Erwin is denying himself.

Erwin groans. “Please don’t do this.” His words are unwilling, but his body says otherwise. If he truly didn't want this, he would have left by now. 

“Fine then, don’t fuck me,” Levi mutters. “But you’re missing out. I’ve been told I have a really tight ass. It’s great to fuck. ”

"Jesus, Levi." Erwin is close to cracking, Levi can _feel_ it.

“Why aren’t you leaving, _Squad Leader Smith?_ ” Levi says the words with venom, provoking Erwin once more. 

“Say that again,” Erwin mutters, hands now on Levi’s hips, slowly making their way down to his ass.

“What?” Levi gasps breathily, making sure Erwin knows just how much he wants this. “ _Squad Leader Smith._ ”

He can see Erwin’s lip, bitten between his teeth. Erwin is close - _so_ close - to kissing him again and giving him everything he wants and more. So close to kissing and pulling and tugging and _fucking_. Levi’s mouth waters at the imagery.

But Erwin falters. His lip slips from his teeth, his eyes drop their hungry gaze and his body closes in on itself. There’s anguish on his face - and not like before, when he was still fairly aroused - but the kind of anguished that left you breathless and awake all night.

Levi pities him. He may be a manpiulative bastard, but Erwin isn’t a bad man. He doesn’t deserve Levi’s bullshit and drama, or his sexual advances, especially if he doesn’t really want them. He’s not awful enough to push a clearly conflicted man into doing something he doesn’t really want.

So in an act of kindness, Levi pushes Erwin away and takes three steps to the side, making sure to keep a fair distance this time. Erwin lets out a shaky sigh in relief. 

“This really wasn’t a good idea,” Erwin mumbles, trailing his fingers through his hair nervously. He’s on edge; confused and almost scared. It's the most emotion that Levi has ever seen from the stoic Squad Leader. 

“Chill out,” Levi says, straightening his body and regaining control of his senses. “I’m not going to say anything. You’ll be fine.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what’s your problem?” 

_Here it is. He’s going to tell you how shitty and terrible you were at kissing. How ugly, disgusting and filthy you truly are. How undesirable he finds you._

“It’s going to be hard not to do this a second time.” 

Levi lunges forward and punches Erwin playfully in the gut. It’s not his face like he originally planned, but it’s a compromise. Even getting a tiny punch at Erwin is satisfying enough. “You piece of shit, stop worrying so much.”

Erwin smiles sadly, clearly unconvinced. “I’ll see you around, Levi.”

“See ya,” Levi mutters, watching Erwin - and his perfect, gorgeous body - walk away. He's slightly bitter that their confrontation ended in this way, that he hadn’t gotten what he really wanted. But even so, just for a tiny moment, he was able to feel _something_ again.

He’ll be riding an adrenaline high for a while, and at least that will keep him from thinking about the expedition and the horrors he had seen.

Absentmindedly, Levi traces the skin of his lips, wondering if he will ever feel anything like Erwin’s mouth there again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my readers, who came for the porn and got angst instead, I apologise for the sads. This plot has escaped me now.

_Levi grabs at the hilt of his blades in anguish, ripping them from their sheaths. He watches as a body is hoisted into the air in front of him and poised above a deadly mouth. He stands up and pushes off his horse, deploying his 3DMG. The hooks sink deep into the flesh of the titan, but it’s too late. He doesn’t even get to the neck of the beast before the soldier - a woman he can’t seem to recognise in the frenzy - is bitten in half, chewed up, and swallowed._

_He feels a rage that is impossible to contain, and far beyond the control of his body. It consumes him in the worst possible way, his eyes going blind as he spins into the air, carving at every inch of the titan’s body. He’s long since taken out its weak spot, now only manically slicing at every surface he can find. There’s no logic to it; he simply wants to kill. Kill as many godforsaken fucking titans as he can._

_He finds himself subscribing to a false truth, which tells him that maybe, if he carves up enough titan flesh, everybody he’s lost will come back to life._

_“Private Levi!” Someone yells in the distance. He can’t figure out who it is, but he knows the voice calling to him, threatening to take him from his rage._

_He stops, and waits._

_“Private Levi, you’ve killed the titan, it’s time to stop. We need to move on.”_

_Levi registers the voice as Mike; Erwin’s second in command. He wonders why Mike is commanding him - since Levi isn’t in Erwin’s squad - so he asks._

_“Where’s Reid?”_

_His conscious surfaces enough to see Mike’s face, a mixture of pity and stoic control. “Reid was killed.”_

_Levi thinks of Reid, his Squad Leader. Powerful, despite her smaller stature and lesser strength. She would glide through the air on her 3DMG, weightless like a bird. Although she didn’t have the type of power that Mike and Erwin had - sheer muscle and brawn - a titan could never come close to her because she was always so fast. Levi respected her a lot, unlike most soldiers above him in the chain of command. Perhaps that’s why he was so suited to her squad, unlike all the others._

_“I’m temporarily taking charge of her Squad.”_

_Mike gives a few more orders, before he gallops away on his horse. Levi retracts his 3DMG and tries to clean himself as best as he can, but it’s really no use. He’s dirty and tainted now._

_Levi saddles up, ready to go after Mike, before he notices a body on the ground._

_Reid’s body, half eaten by titan-sized teeth, lying peacefully on the ground. Lifeless, broken and dead._

_Levi sways slightly, realising what he had seen before he had blacked out, before he had been consumed by an uncontrollable rage. Reid had died in front of him, and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it._

_He sees Farlan and Isabel now, their grotesque bodies lying on the ground beside Reid in a painful illusion._

_Lifeless. Broken. Dead._

\---

Levi doesn’t make noises when he has nightmares. He sweats a lot, and makes some really pathetic gasping noises, but he never seems to cry or scream. Perhaps his vocal cords don’t connect with the psychological trauma, or maybe he's become so used to them his body doesn't feel the need.

Either way, when he wakes, it’s mostly silent. Unlike other soldiers - who scream in their nightmares - Levi doesn’t wake anybody up. He figures that it’s for the best. He prefers that other people don’t see his weakness. 

But when he sees other soldiers comforting those who wake from nightmares, he can’t help but feel a tug of jealousy. He might not want people to see his weaknesses, but he’s not inhuman. Comfort is something he had occasionally indulged in before joining the Corps.

Isabel would hold him while he fell asleep.

On this particular night, he can’t bare to stay in his bed anymore. The sheets are all sweaty and disgusting, and he can’t seem to stay still. It’s an hour before the morning wake up call, so there’s really no point in going back to sleep. 

He rises silently, grabs his toiletries and heads for the showers. If he’s lucky, nobody else will have the same idea as him and he’ll have the shower room all to himself.

It’s not that he hates the idea of sharing a bathroom with many other naked men. Instead, Levi enjoys peace and quiet while showering. There’s something about warm, clean water that calms him inherently, and a quiet room only serves to calm him more.

But unfortunately, Levi’s hopes of a quiet and peaceful shower are dashed when he enters the room to find another man shaving. 

That man being Erwin.

He doesn’t salute when Erwin is around. Well, he doesn’t salute when most people are around, but he tries his hardest around his superiors. With Erwin, he never really felt compelled to for some odd reason. Maybe it was their unorthodox meeting, or maybe it was just the fact that Erwin never reprimanded him for it. He called Levi by his name, and treated him like he did a soldier of his similar ranking. It lead to an odd dynamic, one which Levi took advantage of frequently.

Like the other day, when he provoked Erwin into pinning him against a wall and kissing him. 

So without saluting, Levi struts up to the basin next to Erwin’s and places his shit down. Usually, he would shower before brushing his teeth and shaving, but he didn’t want to have a shower and miss out on potentially teasing Erwin more.

The memory of Erwin’s arms, Erwin’s body and Erwin’s lips have lingered heavily on Levi’s mind, giving him a strange and slightly creepy outlet when he needs it.

“Morning,” Levi grunts, voice still rough with sleep.

Erwin seems unbothered, simply continuing to focus on his meticulous shaving. It pays off, Levi thinks, because the man always has the smoothest shave in the Corps.

“Morning,” Erwin replies. 

Well, this isn't the interesting conversation Levi had in mind.

Feeling slightly peeved off by Erwin’s lack of interest, Levi gets to work on his teeth. The feeling of a clean mouth is always a good way to start the day. Today is no different. 

"So why are you awake at this hour?" Erwin asks, cleaning his razor in the basin. It’s awful timing on his part, with Levi’s mouth still full of toothpaste. 

Levi spits. "Woke up too early, no point in going back to sleep." He then resumes brushing again.

Erwin hums, understandingly. "So nightmares?"

 _Where the fuck does he get off assuming shit like that? This fucking asshole, thinks he knows everything._

Levi spits again, this time much more aggressively. "Don't assume shit," he snarls. 

"Don't be ashamed, everybody here has nightmares."

"So what? Doesn't mean I need to share my feelings about them."

"I never said that."

"But you thought you'd assume?"

Erwin pauses, before nodding. "You're right. I'm sorry, please forgive me."

"Whatever," Levi mutters. What he thought was going to be some harmless fun has now turned into a downer. He didn't want to be reminded of his nightmare. He didn't want to be reminded of the pain. He wanted the opposite; he wanted it to stop. 

Packing up his toothbrush, he does what he should have done initially and stalks off to a shower cubicle. 

But there's a hand on his wrist. 

"What?" Levi growls, turning around to meet Erwin's firm stature. 

"I watched you-"

"Not creepy _at all_ -"

"I _observed_ you with Reid. You respected her. Listened to her. Followed her orders without fail. Even with Mike the other day, you listened to him, and never once raised your voice." Erwin drops Levi’s hand, now that he has his attention. "You only really seem to get angry around me. You're always agitated and annoyed."

Levi frowns, not liking where this is going. Was he finally going to be reprimanded for his behaviour? "And your point is?"

"Do you resent me? For what happened to your friends?"

If Levi were to answer his question instantly, it would be easy. He did not resent Erwin, not one little bit. _Levi_ had decided to take up Lobov’s offer. _Levi_ had decided to try and kill Erwin. _Levi_ had decided to go off on his own and leave Isabel and Farlan. It was all Levi’s fault, and he wasn’t going to deny that guilt. 

But there was something so strange about Erwin’s words. He wasn’t talking about the fact that people, two living human beings, had died. He was only talking about how Levi felt. Why should he care about that? He should be caring about the people who had died, not Levi, who was somehow still alive.

"Their names were Isabel and Farlan,” Levi mutters, his voice ice cold. It was taking all his strength not to get angry.

"I'm sorry,” Erwin says emotionlessly. “I can't remember."

"What do you mean you can't fucking remember?!" Levi explodes. He doesn’t care about the noise, or who might hear. He is beyond being angry or furious. "I know you didn't recruit them to get them killed - that was my own damn fault - but _Jesus fuck_ , at least remember their names."

"I'm sorry,” Erwin says again, like it’s the only two words he knows. 

"That's all you can say?" 

Surely he could say something, anything, that would give Levi an idea of how to move on without caring about all the death surrounding them. 

For a split second, Levi thinks of him as heartless. Cruel.

And then-

"All the faces blend in... I have trouble distinguishing between the names of the dead." Erwin’s voice shudders, just slightly, a small mannerism that could have easily been missed.

It's then that Levi realises the strange disparity between Erwin’s words and his emotions. He has an unreadable face, and yet his words are words that can only be said sincerely. Either Erwin is the world’s best liar, or he is feeling some sort of adverse emotion under that cold facade.

"So when I die, will be another nameless face to you?" 

"I hope not," Erwin replies, like it's an ability that he cannot control. He forgets the faces of the dead, and yet he can’t use it selectively.

Erwin is in the same amount of pain Levi is, the only difference is that Erwin’s had more practice hiding and concealing it from the world.

Levi grabs onto the front of Erwin’s shirt tightly, like a stairway railing he’d hold to climb up stairs. 

“Tell me it gets better,” he mutters, looking down at his feet. He can’t bare to look Erwin in the eyes. He can’t bare to be judged, or pitied. “Tell me.”

“It doesn’t.”

Levi exhales. For second, it feels like he’s going to start sobbing, the shuddering in his chest forcing him into a state of visible and physical sadness. But for now, he maintains his control. 

"I’m sorry, Levi.”

They are words he should find comfort in, but they are empty now. 

“This is a bad time to mention it, but Commander Shadis wants to meet with you in his office this morning.”

Levi’s fingers relax their grip on Erwin’s shirt, and he takes a step back. He needs time to think. His thoughts are getting muddled, and he needs to be focused if he’s going to meet with Shadis.

He’s going to be reprimanded for sure. 

“Understood, sir,” Levi barks stiff and formally, like a good soldier should. However, he doesn’t salute - he never truly will - unable to give his heart away to a fat King who's hiding somewhere behind Wall Sina.

He retreats into the shower and blasts the heat, letting the water burn and mark his skin raw red. It hurts, but at least the pain is bearable, visible and stoppable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up @spinsy on tumblr and twitter. Drop me a comment or reblog if you like this story, it means a lot to me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned for smut this chapter, but plot set in and I couldn't help myself. SMUT WILL BE NEXT CHAPTER I PROMISE.

"Sir," Levi barks, saluting Shadis promptly. He tries to hide his distaste when he salutes, but it probably fails. 

Once a thug, always a thug. 

"At ease," Shadis grunts, motioning to one of two chairs. "Sit down, please."

On the other chair sits Erwin; body relaxed, but expression tense.

 _This is it. Erwin has dobbed me in, and I'm getting kicked out._

The thought is surprisingly melancholic for Levi, who at various points in time, has begged to be freed from the Survey Corps. The many brutal and tragic deaths of other soldiers is pushing him to his breaking point, and yet something is still grounding him to the Corps. He can't bring himself leave or runaway. 

Perhaps it is the fresh air and cleanliness, or maybe there is value doing some sort of good in the world. Either way, it didn't matter now. 

"I'll be blunt," Shadis says. "You're being promoted to the rank of Corporal effective immediately. You'll work in Erwin's Squad and he’ll train you to become his second in command. Any questions?"

"What?" Levi mutters, his brows furrowing. He turns to Erwin, who smiles at him and nods. 

The whole situation is completely strange. He never thought he'd be anything other than a lowly Private. He's not responsible, and he doesn't work hard. He only does the bare minimum to get by. 

And now he's a fucking Corporal? 

"Do I need to repeat-"

"What the fuck?"

Erwin coughs behind his hand and Shadis’ jaw drops completely, leaving his mouth hanging open wide. They’re shocked, and probably not used to such expletives being said in their presence. Especially during a promotion. 

“I mean,” Levi says quickly. “I... don’t understand.”

“I’m going to ignore that previous comment,” Shadis sighs. “We needed to find a new Squad Leader to replace Reid. We have chosen Mike Zacharias to fill that position. That leaves a Corporal position open in Erwin’s squad, and Erwin has recommended you to fill it.”

_Erwin has recommended you to fill it._

If Levi hadn’t gained control of his mouth again, he would have let several more expletives fly. 

He looks towards Erwin, who holds the same calm and welcoming expression, and then back at Shadis, who looks cold and deadly serious. There are no jokes, and no lies. They are being serious about this.

“I assume you will accept this position?”

Levi doubts he has any choice in the matter. If he denies, he is treasonous. “Yes sir,” he says stiffly, trying to sound grateful. “It would be an honour.”

“Excellent,” Shadis replies, clapping his hands together. “Erwin has all the paperwork, I’m sure you two will get along fine now. Dismissed.”

Levi stands up and turns to Erwin. He narrows his eyes, trying to silently show Erwin his disapproval, but Erwin's expression is _still the same_ , and Levi doesn't know if he wants to punch it off or kiss it off. Regardless, he follows Erwin out of the room reluctantly. 

Erwin must be playing at something. He's specifically recommended Levi for this higher spot in his squad when there are at least ten other people in line before him. There's a very simple question on Levi's mind; why?

“Congratulations,” Erwin says to Levi when they finally reach his office. It is impossibly small, and nowhere near the size of Shadis’ office. There is only one desk, one chair behind the desk, and one chair in front of the desk. The rest of the room is taken up by filing cabinets, equipment or dust.

Levi can feel an urgent tug within his fingers, begging him to start cleaning the room. 

“What do you mean ‘congratulations’? You planned this.” Levi sneers. He’s beyond the point of acting civil. Erwin must have known what he was getting himself into when he recommended Levi for the promotion. He isn’t exactly a subordinate soldier, and he doesn't follow any formalities for him. He's not going to start now. 

“I didn’t plan anything, Levi.”

“Yes you did,” Levi says simply. And then he lets his mouth run wild, his deepest inner demon taking control. “You planned for me to be in your squad. You planned for me to be directly under you. You planned to have me in a position where you could directly control me.” Levi breathes angry and forced breaths through his nose, flaring like fire. He ends with, “This is a punishment.”

Erwin blinks, and then sighs, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He probably doesn’t have any other soldier question him or directly challenge him like this. It’s annoying him, Levi knows this.

But then-

“Why do you always assume I’m out to get you?

Erwin’s voice is quiet, and small, and it gets right on Levi’s nerves. Erwin may not be a complete monster, but he isn't innocent or naive. He's a manipulator; a player. 

“You always have an ulterior motive! You’re always planning something in that vicious brain of yours!!” Levi yells, not caring if he is heard.

“Of course I’m always planning,” Erwin snaps sharply. “Wouldn’t you be planning too, if you had to try and directly defy the government?”

Levi frowns. The conversation takes a turn into a territory that was extremely unexpected, and frankly irrelevant. “The government? This has nothing to do with the government.”

“It has everything to do with the government,” Erwin replies sharply, before forcing himself into calm. His shoulders relax, and he motions to the chair in front of his desk. “Sit down, please, Levi. I don't want to yell and fight.”

Levi bites his lip. He’s still pissed off at Erwin, but at the same time, he wants to know about the government. He wants to know exactly what Erwin is talking about. He wants to know what Erwin’s motives _really_ are. 

So they both take a seat. “I’m sure you’re aware that the Military Police is very corrupt.”

“Yes,” Levi replies. He’s slipped various MPs small silence bribes before, but that barely scrapes the surface of how corrupt the Military Police truly is. Anything and everything is sold between the MPs and the Underground. 

“To actually join the Military Police, you must graduate within the top ten of your Cadet class.” Erwin explains. He leans forward, grasping Levi's full attention, with a slight ravenous look in his eyes. “Isn’t it ironic that the best titan killers are locked away within the inner walls, living a life of luxury?”

“What are you trying to say?” Levi asks, forcing the answers from Erwin. He can see where this is going, but he wants it said in words. 

“Have you ever wondered why there’s no history of the time before the walls? Have you ever wondered why the government and the King isn’t putting all their effort into defeating the titans? Have you ever wondered why those in Wall Maria live in poverty, while those in Wall Sina live with riches?" 

“The government is corrupt,” Levi says, with a sense of finality. 

Erwin nods. “More than you’d think.”

He’s always known that the way the country is ruled is bad - living within the failed and discarded experiment of the government made you realise that - but he has never used the word ‘corrupt’ to describe it. It’s just how it was. 

Like in the Underground, he was, at times, forced to kill people. It’s just how it was. You had to kill, or be killed. It was the only way, and Levi hated it. He still has nightmares about it, laced amongst the nightmares of previous expeditions. But it’s the status quo, and he had never thought to question it.

And there was _no point_ in questioning it. Levi, or anyone for that matter, had no hope of changing the system. The King would always be the King, and the government would always be the government. 

And yet here Erwin Smith sat, claiming that he was going to defy that. 

So Levi prods deeper. “Explain.”

“The King and his nobles are constantly trying to undermine the efforts of the Survey Corps. We’ve tried to push the issue of titan research for years, and they’ve refused every request. They don’t want us to learn about the titans, and they don’t want us to leave the walls. They want to keep the way things currently work. They don’t want humanity to explore outside the walls. They want to keep us inside, and trapped. They want to keep us ignorant to the beauty that is outside. We have an entire history, the lives of our ancestors, locked away. They want to keep the poverty that plagues the Underground and the outer walls, because it benefits them, and them only. It is wrong.”

Levi’s eyes narrow once more. “How can you prove it?”

“Do I have to, Levi? Everybody knows it, deep down, but nobody talks about it out of fear.”

“Okay, say I believe you. Your goal here is to overthrow the government?”

“My main goal is to rid the world of the titans. That is the most pressing issue.” Levi knew this much. It was everybody’s goal in the Survey Corps. “However, that’s not going to happen if the government doesn’t support us. We need more funding, more expeditions and more _research_. So if the need arises, then yes, I will not hesitate to take down the government.”

Levi had thought many things of Erwin, but he had never thought he was a revolutionary. He had never in his life - not even in the Underground - heard someone speak so frankly and openly about something so sacredly illegal. 

And somewhere deep down, it thrilled Levi a little. 

“How are you, a Squad Leader in the Survey Corps, going to overthrow a _government?_ ”

“One day, in the near future, Shadis will either retire or pass away in battle. When that happens, he has agreed to appoint me as Commander. And you, Levi, will be my right hand man.”

And these words were the most unbelievable. 

“Me? Why me? Why not Mike or Nanaba or any other more trustworthy soldier?”

“Because you have such potential.” Erwin’s voice fills with hope, and his eyes lightly sparkle with admiration. “You fly through the air like a bird, and you kill titans with an ease that nobody else can seem to master. Not to mention your physical strength and your fighting skills are highly invaluable. You also show good leadership skill, and you could be a very successful Squad Leader if you tried hard enough.”

From Levi’s position, this type of flattery feels weird. He has always been commended for his skill in killing humans, not titans. His skills with a knife - an instrument that is exclusively centred around spilling human blood in the Underground - were revered. It’s always been about crime, whether that’s stealing or trafficking or trading or harming. It’s always been about harming other people.

But Erwin has only commended Levi on his skills that help better the world, and for some reason, Erwin respects him because of it. He is not just a tool for Erwin to use, but he is considered a comrade. An equal. 

These words that come from Erwin's mouth are simply foreign to Levi’s ears. 

“So... you don’t want to control me? You just want me by your side?” 

“Of course. You are our strongest soldier. It would be an honour to have you by my side.”

Once again, Levi finds himself being bettered by Erwin. Not in terms of strength or smarts, but in terms of morals. 

Levi has always been a cautious and paranoid person. There have been very few people he has trusted in his lifetime, even slightly. He has always assumed that everybody is out to hurt him, in one way or another. Perhaps that's why Isabel and Farlan were so special to him, because he knew that they would never betray him. 

So of course, Levi keeps assuming that Erwin wants to hurt him. And Erwin keeps proving that he doesn't want to do that. This time, Levi hopes the realisation will stick. 

“I apologise for my assumptions,” Levi murmurs, looking down at his lap. Levi doesn’t apologise often, and he hopes that Erwin understands this and treasures it. 

“It’s okay. I understand. I keep my true emotions closely guarded, probably to a fault. I understand if you have misinterpreted me.” Erwin steadies himself, before his expression blends into that of sincerity. “But please, Levi, believe me when I say this; I don’t mean any ill will to you. I only want you to fight by my side.”

For a man without a home or a family, Levi can belong in the Survey Corps. He has a clean bed to sleep on, enough food to eat, and a career with a salary that isn't dirtied with crime. He has a job, and he is damn good at it. He may deteste the death around him, but everything has a price tag, and this life is better than anything he would encounter in the Underground. 

At least he will die quickly, with the glory of humanity behind him, instead of shrivelling and wasting away in a hell hole.

And most of all, Erwin gives him a purpose to live for. 

“Of course,” Levi says, a steely resolve settling into his bones. He has made his decision. “I will follow you into hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've kind of made up a military ranking system in this fic. The lowest rank is Private, which most soldiers are. You are then promoted to Corporal, and there are about five or so Corporals in a squad. Usually one of them holds a higher responsibility of second in command to the Squad Leader. There are about five or so Squad Leaders, and then there's the Commander. The rank of "Captain" doesn't exist just yet, but we'll see that later. 
> 
> If you liked reading this story, consider leaving a comment down below. It really makes my day, and I appreciate every single one! If you don't have the time, maybe consider following me on tumblr @spinsy. I'm also using the tag "fic: hold me down" for updates so if you wanna follow that feel free.


	4. Chapter 4

As news of Levi’s promotion spreads, so do rumours. And at lunch, Levi is forced to hear some of the more blatant gossiping.

“He’s always silent. But whenever Erwin enters the room, he gets really annoyed.”

“Erwin was the one to take him from the Underground, so that makes sense.”

“But why would he be put into Erwin’s squad if they don’t work well together? _That_ doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, behaviour aside, Levi is an extremely strong soldier. Everybody knows that Smith is always searching for more power, and Levi is probably just another tool in his game.”

“Maybe Erwin can properly reform him this time”

Levi hates the fact that people are talking about him. Even if he knows that none of what they are saying is true, the rumours and gossip are still gross. Sure, he gets more passionate and aggressive around Erwin, but that's not necessarily a _bad_ thing. He's sorted out most of their differences, anyway. And he may not be _great_ soldier, but he's not terrible either. People don't need to talk about it, not when it's none of their fucking business.

He also overhears other soldiers implying that Levi has bribed his way into the promotion, like he actually has the money. Do these idiots not realise the Underground was literally the worst place on Earth, and riddled with poverty? Levi wonders how much privilege they have, to be so blinded from the truth. 

Either way, Levi marches all over HQ to find Erwin, hoping to settle this once and for all. 

“Did you know that there are rumours about us?” Levi asks when he finally finds Erwin, who is boxing in the gym. Erwin destroys the punching bag, leaping back and forth to deliver powerful blows. 

Erwin has such a large and strong body, like he was built to fight humans, not titans. Erwin is a good titan killer, sure, but he would be an even better human killer. He would be a King in the Underground, his almost untouchable body going up against malnourished weeds. 

And right now, that body - strong, powerful and untouchable - is out in the open air - all for Levi to see - because Erwin is _not_ wearing a fucking shirt. 

“Huh?” Erwin mutters, trying desperately to stay focused on the punching bag in front him. “What rumours?”

“About how you ‘captured’ and ‘reformed' me.” Levi says, using sarcastic air quotations to try make his point. 

With a huff, Erwin stops throwing punches and hunches over to take a few breaths. “People talk, I’m not going to stop them.”

“Shut it down,” Levi growls. Erwin has power. Erwin can manipulate people. Erwin can get rid of shit like this. Why can't he just do Levi a favour?

“I’m not the one who’s creating the rumours, Levi. Don't blame me."

Erwin is staring at him, watching him and analysing him. Levi can tell that this is part of a bigger plan, otherwise Erwin would have just indulged him and tried to diffuse the rumours. Levi knows that Erwin plans to use him to reach his goals, and somehow these rumours are part of that. 

Levi lets out a frustrated sigh. Fighting with Erwin is tiring and pointless anyway. “Whatever. I know you’re up to something, but whatever. You can have your way.”

“Spar with me,” Erwin says suddenly, ripping off his boxing gloves and throwing them to the side. 

“What?” Levi blurts, the sudden request taking him aback. He watches as Erwin stretches out his body, muscles pulling taught. 

“Spar with me. You’re angry, and getting rid of some of that energy might do you good.”

Levi would much rather let out his angry energy in another way, but he decides not to say that. “Fine, if you want to get beaten, have it your way.”

They take their positions across from each other. Erwin raises his hands in order to shield his face, while Levi raises his hands to shield his neck and heart. It's a silly habit born out of a fear of knives lunging at him, but he can't seem to shake it, even now. 

Levi always waits for the other person to make the first move. He’s always been better at defence, his smaller stature lending itself to ducking and hiding. His offense strategy is also simple; strike fast and strike hard. 

But Erwin doesn’t move at all, and that irritates Levi enough to break his strategy. He lunges forward, aiming for Erwin’s chest. Erwin blocks that easily, sending Levi flying backwards, but still on his feet.

“Is that the best you can do?” Erwin taunts, raising his hands again.

“I don’t see you making a move,” Levi mutters, this time swooping forward to take out Erwin’s legs. It’s a risky move, considering Erwin could easily kick him, but it pays off and sends Erwin tumbling to the ground.

Levi immediately leaps on top of Erwin, pinning him down by his throat, while keeping his grip light enough so that Erwin can still breathe and talk. 

“Impressive. You know how to fight for your size.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Levi spits into Erwin’s face. “Small people can’t be good fighters-”

In sudden surge of power, Erwin rolls Levi over, almost strangling himself in the process. It works, though, and Levi is now pinned to the ground by his arms.

Erwin is also straddling his crotch, and Levi desperately prays that he doesn’t get a hard on, although he's fighting a battle that he's already lost. 

“But you get distracted. Angry.” Erwin continues talking. “You need to focus more, and not let your emotions interfere so much.”

Of course, Erwin isn't afraid to play a physical game psychologically, intentionally provoking Levi to make him lose. It's dirty, but it works, especially with Levi, who gets too angry too easily. 

_Once again, Erwin has bettered me,_ Levi thinks. 

“I didn’t ask for a review of my fighting style,” Levi growls, not bothering to struggle under Erwin’s powerful body. He might be able to overpower him, but he was more afraid of friction between their bodies than actually winning. “Get off me.” 

“You have to surrender.”

“I’m not surrendering.” 

“Well then I’m not leaving.”

Levi moves his head to the side and bites Erwin’s arm. Erwin lets out a short groan of pain, but his body doesn’t budge. 

“Get. Off. Me.”

Erwin leans down to whisper into Levi’s ear. “ _No._ ”

Erwin knows exactly how to push Levi’s buttons, and he knows exactly what will render Levi useless. He knows _exactly_ what Levi wants. 

And then Erwin's hips start moving, slowly but surely, in small circles that make all the heat in Levi's body rush to his groin. He can hear Erwin's heavy breathing in his ear, and it makes Levi jerk and shiver underneath him. 

It drives Levi insane. He wants and needs more than this slow burn between them. 

“Get off me or fuck me, damn it.”

“No,” Erwin snaps, his hips halting their movements, as if he's finally come to his senses and realised exactly what he was doing. He quickly lets go of Levi and moves to stand up. 

“You’re so fucking frustrating,” Levi groans, hitting his head on the ground. He has a fairly painful erection now, and it's made movement very difficult and awkward. “You lead me on and then you pull away. It’s cruel.”

When Levi sits up, he sees Erwin's body shaking like a leaf. “We can’t, Levi.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I’m your superior. Your _direct_ superior, now. It’s inappropriate.”

“Fuck me, Erwin.” Levi steps forward to tempt Erwin, but Erwin doesn’t move, his feet stuck to the floor beneath him. Erwin talks so much of not wanting this, and yet his body and his actions do barely anything to stop it. “Fucking bend me over a fucking desk and _fuck_ me.”

“I can’t,” Erwin whines pathetically. “I just _can’t._ ”

“Then stop leading me on,” Levi warned, a slight snarl in his throat. “It's driving me insane, and I can't take it anymore.” 

Levi doesn't mind being rejected, but he hates being teased. He shortly exits the room to take care of the problem in his pants. Although Erwin is nowhere in sight, he's constantly on his mind, and desperately tainting his thoughts. 

The next time Erwin pulls this shit, Levi isn't going to hold back.

\---

Nobody ever knocks on Levi’s door at this time of night.

Well, that’s a lie. One time one of his roommates locked himself out in a drunken stupor and he had to open the door for him.

But aside from that, nobody knocks on Levi’s door at this time of night.

He looks over to see all of his roommates fast asleep, unfazed by the soft knocking on wood. It looks like he’s going to have to be the one to get out of bed and deal with it.

Levi opens the door, and much to his surprise, he finds Erwin standing in front him, looking like he’s just woken up from a nightmare or intense dream. He's extremely pale, and extremely dishevelled. His usually perfectly placed blond hair sticks out at every angle, and his night clothes are wrinkled and messy. 

But his eyes are bright, moonlight bouncing off the blue pigment. 

Erwin’s lips move, ghosting over words that Levi can hardly hear.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Levi springs into action, pushing Erwin out of the doorway and shutting the door behind him. It makes a slightly noisy thump, and he hopes his roommates won’t hear it and wake up.

“What the actual fuck?” Levi murmurs, head quickly darting around to make sure nobody is in the hallway. It's clear, thankfully. “You lecture me about how morally wrong fraternisation is, and then you turn up at my dorm room - the same room I share with ten other men - and start saying shit like that? Are you an idiot? Have you lost your _mind?_ ”

“I may not have thought it through before I did it…”

Levi scowls. He cannot believe how Erwin is acting. Not only is it dumb, it's such a stark contrast from the words he'd said that afternoon. Hypocritical. 

“Is there anywhere _other than here_ where we can talk?”

“Yeah,” Erwin mutters, taking Levi by his hand, dragging him away. 

Levi has never thought of hand holding as anything romantic or desirable. It almost seems like a novel and pointless gesture, reserved for children who like to play pretend house. But as Erwin continues to hold Levi’s hand, walking at a fast pace down hallways and corridors, Levi starts to think otherwise. 

Erwin’s hand is quite big, and it engulfs Levi’s own hand easily. His skin is tough with calluses that have formed over years of military training. But his skin is also soft, tender and _clean_. It feels nice, and weirdly intimate. It’s a touch Levi has never quite felt properly, only in brief memories of his mother and Isabel. It sends shivers down his spine, and it makes him ache for more of Erwin. He wants more of these hands, and more of this skin. 

As soon as Erwin tugs Levi into his room, he pulls him into a kiss. The door isn’t even closed yet and they’re already making out, lips tugging and tongues licking, warring with each other for friction.

Levi can faintly remember the last time these soft lips were running over his own. His body heats up at the thought that Erwin is _finally_ going to finish what he started. Levi is finally going to get the release that he has been craving for so long. 

But if they’re going to do this, they’re going to do this _without_ being court marshalled. Levi breaks the kiss and shuts the door. As he does, he notices a small bed in the mostly vacant room. If it wasn’t for that bed, Levi would think that this wasn't a bedroom at all. Erwin’s actual office was more furnished than this empty shell.

“Why the change of mind?” Levi asks. As he waits for the answer, he starts unbuttoning his white sleep shirt, throwing it to the ground.

“I told you,” Erwin says, stepping forward. Levi reaches to take off Erwin’s shirt, but Erwin stops him, taking hold of his hands once more. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Am I that irresistible?” Levi teases, gasping as Erwin latches his mouth onto his collarbone, slowly travelling down his chest. His tongue curls around Levi’s nipple and Levi gasps.

“You’re sensitive,” Erwin mutters into Levi skin.

“I’m not looking for something slow,” Levi groans, backing Erwin onto his bed and pulling at his pants. If Erwin wasn’t going to speed things up, Levi was going to take matters into his own hands.

“Levi, what-”

Levi quickly takes Erwin’s half hard erection and strokes it languidly. It doesn’t take much to harden completely, and Levi doesn’t think it would be too much of a stretch to assume that Erwin came to his room already aroused. 

One of Erwin’s hands is on Levi’s cheek, and the other is lightly stroking his hair. Levi leans into the touch. “Use me,” he whispers into Erwin’s hand, into that perfect and tender skin, before sinking down onto his knees. 

Levi doesn’t look at Erwin’s form above him, but he can hear his gasps and groans as Levi slowly takes him into his mouth. He starts with the tip, slowly running it over with his tongue, making sure to take his time with it. He can feel Erwin become more desperate against him, but the man doesn’t make a move to do anything about it.

“ _Use me,_ Erwin,” Levi rasps, his voice already weak with desire. He wants to submit and feel the high of giving himself over, even though common sense tells him he shouldn’t. 

Levi moves Erwin’s hand and pushes it down onto his skull, pulling him forward onto Erwin’s cock. Erwin gasps with a long sigh, and it makes Levi feel accomplished. Erwin’s moans and gasps aren’t as pathetic or high pitched as his own, but they are still a victory. Levi has made Erwin Smith, the strong and powerful Squad Leader, gasp and moan in pleasure, and nothing can take that away from him. 

As Levi takes Erwin further and further down his throat, Erwin finally seems to understand. His hand starts to guide Levi with a purpose, up and down. Levi whimpers and quickens his pace.

“ _Fuck,_ Levi.”

Erwin’s filthy words only serve to make Levi go even faster.

As he feels Erwin’s muscles quiver beneath him, he knows that Erwin’s close, and he picks up his pace one last time. He pushes forward, as far as he can, making his throat lock painfully in the process. Erwin reacts, feeling the strain. He releases immediately, spilling into Levi’s mouth and down his throat. 

Levi tries desperately to swallow what he can, but some of it drizzles disgustingly down his chin. 

He sags to the floor, energy spent. He feels dirty and used, but he loves it. It wasn’t even the dirtiest blowjob he’s ever given - in fact, it was quite tame - but it’s been so long since he’s had sex, and it feels so good. A soothing and addictive calm washes over him in waves, while all of his troubles seem so far away.

Right now, death seems like such a petty thing to be worrying about.

“Please, Erwin,” Levi gasps, palming himself through his pants. 

Suddenly, he feels a soft bed underneath him, and a firm body above him. “What is it?” Erwin’s voice whispers to him, calling to him. “What do you need?”

“You,” Levi gasps. “Need you.”

“You have me,” Erwin replies, softly and sweetly. He can feel Erwin’s hands in his pants now, applying considerable pressure to his cock, relieving him of the strain. 

“Shit,” Levi swears, throwing his head back. He can feel the springs in his body uncoil as he spasms out of control. He doesn’t think he’s ever come that fast, especially with something as tame as a few strokes from a handjob.

His brain desperately tries to process what has just happened. 

“Are you okay, Levi?” Erwin’s voice calls him back to reality.

Levi turns his head to see Erwin leaning on his side, studying him. He’s acting cool, but it doesn’t fool Levi. There is a sense of amazement in his eyes.

“I’m fine.” Levi reaches down to take off his pants, the stickiness making him itchy. Erwin’s sheets are cool and refreshing against his bare skin. “Do you want round two or what?”

“I do.” Erwin’s voice drips of dirt and sex, and Levi wonders what it would be like for that voice to call him dirty names. He makes a mental note for his spank bank. “But I wanna take a break first.”

Their lips meet again in a quick kiss, and Levi whines. He’s figured out by now that Erwin likes to take things slow. He likes the foreplay, and he likes to tease. Levi has always been much more rough, or at least, he likes his partners to be much more rough. 

He somehow trusts Erwin enough to let him have his way, at least for now. Even though the slow and sensual stuff is not Levi’s true desire, it’s not awful by any means. It’s nice.

Erwin’s lips start sucking at Levi’s neck like a horny teenager, while Levi’s fingers dig into Erwin’s hair, urging him down further. His neck is sensitive, and Erwin seems to have clued in on this, giving it a sizeable amount of attention . 

“Don’t be afraid to bite.”

Erwin hums. “Can I leave marks?”

Levi’s brain turns to mush at the thought - not just of hickeys - but of long red stripes that turn into beautiful purple and blue bruises, marking up his ass and thighs. Marks and bruises are Levi’s true weakness. 

“Yes,” Levi hisses, his grip on Erwin’s hair tightening. “Please.”

Levi throws his head back once more, and lets Erwin have his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this, consider leaving a comment or following me @spinsy on tumblr. Thank you so much!! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is partially inspired by Elastic Heart by Sia. I love the emotions in that song.

Levi doesn't quite know how they get like this, tumbling around under sheets whilst nipping and biting and sucking at skin. Although honestly, Erwin is doing most of the kissing, while Levi lamely attempts to kiss him back. Mostly, he just holds onto Erwin for dear life. 

But Levi tears moans and whimpers from Erwin in other ways. Firstly, a knee rubbing softly between his legs. Secondly, a hand slips down there too, rubbing him until he's hard again. And third, they start rocking together, Levi legs curling around Erwin's body. Like everything, it starts off tame, but gets frantic quickly as they become desperate for more friction. 

“Erwin,” Levi hisses, back arching and muscles trembling. He keeps backing himself into the mattress, digging himself further into the sheets. “Erwin, Erwin, Erwin, _Erwin._ ”

It’s a mantra that spills from his mouth, over and over again. He can’t will himself to stop, no matter how stupid it may sound. 

Erwin tries to nuzzle himself into Levi’s neck, but Levi turns it so that they’re kissing again. He desperately grabs at any part of Erwin he can, and in turn, Erwin does wonders with his mouth. Levi takes it in, everything that Erwin can give him.

“Do you have any lube?” Levi asks when they come up for air, panting through words. 

“Yeah,” Erwin mutters, reaching over to his bedside drawer. He pulls out the bottle and Levi inspects it. “Up to your standards?”

Levi scoffs. “Of course. Are you going to do this or shall I?”

“As nice as that last offer sounds, I want to feel you myself.”

“Shit,” Levi swears, the heat of those words making him dizzy. He revels in the idea of Erwin inside him, whether it’s his fingers or his cock. 

Levi watches as Erwin stares his body down, eyes trailing from his face all the way down to his ass. He’s like a predator hanging over his prey proudly, ready to take him apart bit by bit. 

Erwin uncaps the bottle and smears it over his fingers, sliding his body down to Levi’s lower half. Levi shudders as he feels his fingers softly sliding in. He hates this part, because the initial stretch and burn is uncomfortable, and not in a good way. At the same time, you have to stay as relaxed as possible otherwise it hurts more. And he hasn’t taken anyone or anything in a while, which makes the entire situation even more uncomfortable. 

As if sensing his pain, Erwin’s free hand snakes around his cock. 

“Yes,” Levi hisses, the pleasure relieving him. His hand moves softly and expertly, curling over the head of his cock before sliding to the bottom. It’s enough to keep him sated, but not enough to get him agitated.

Quickly, Levi feels a desperate need for more, his hands grabbing at Erwin’s hair, threading them into his blond locks. 

“More, Erwin. Speed it up.” Levi gasps, another finger entering him. He feels the familiar pull of thickness filling him up and stretching him, further and further. 

“You’re impatient, aren’t you?”

“I am.” Levi won’t deny it, and now all he can think about is Erwin filling him up more, stretching him to his absolute limit. He pulls at Erwin’s hair so that he will look him in the eye. “ _Please,_ Erwin.”

Erwin hooks his fingers in retaliation, finding that sweet spot within him, while looking at him through a calculated stare. They’re the same eyes he uses to look at titans, ravished with hunger and desire. But it’s not filled with hatred like usual. It’s simpler, and somewhat sweeter. Levi loses his breath, tossing his head back and letting out an embarrassing moan. 

“Are you going to beg?” Erwin’s voice is low. They’re dancing with the devil now, stepping over the line between inappropriate and downright sinful. 

For a second, Levi forgets that this is Erwin, his Squad Leader. 

“Yes, I will,” Levi says, all control lost. “ _I will_ , Erwin. Please, please. I want it, I can take it.”

He would do anything to have Erwin.

Erwin's fingers slide from their place, leaving Levi feeling incredibly empty. Erwin sits up as he fiddles with the bottle of lube, making absolutely sure that they're both ready. 

Erwin doesn't speak, so Levi doesn't speak. He doesn't feel like they need to, really. Everything that needs to be said is said through their bodies, through their touches, and through their eyes. If Levi fingers start clenching, Erwin knows to stop for a few seconds. If Levi gasps breathily, Erwin knows to keep going. Erwin is incredibly attentive to his body, and can probably read Levi better than himself.

And if they manage to catch eye contact, Levi can tell that Erwin is holding back for his sake. He can see the desperation and lust in his eyes. He wants it almost as bad as Levi does, and yet he holds back with soft touches and motions for Levi’s sake.

In the end, Levi forces himself down on Erwin, bottoming out quickly. 

"Shit, Levi.” Erwin grunts. “Are you okay?"

"It feels good," Levi says through clenched teeth. It's only partially a lie. Erwin's cock is big, and it's stretching him in ways he hasn't been in a long time. It burns, but it does feel good, like an itch that he couldn't quite scratch. 

There's something about a strong and warm body above him - filling him up and taking him - that makes Levi feel whole. It’s something that he just can't seem to manage on his own. It's even better when Erwin starts moving, a soft rocking motion that leaves Levi breathless, gasping for air. Somewhere, they start kissing again lazily, as they rock against each other. 

“Faster, Erwin,” Levi whispers, fingers digging further into the flesh of Erwin’s back.

Erwin stills, and takes Levi’s face into his hands. “Promise me you’ll tell me if it hurts too much, okay?” He asks with a slight shake of Levi’s head. He’s serious, as serious as when he's at work, or out on the battlefield. “ _Promise me._ ”

Levi’s voice catches, slightly caught off guard by Erwin’s intensity. It’s a simple request, after all. “Of course.”

Erwin’s hands reach up to grab the headboard of his bed, bending Levi’s body forward slightly. He’s lucky Levi’s body is naturally flexible, or he really would be in pain. 

But Levi’s body bends easily, and he can see everything at this angle; Erwin’s face, arms and chest. If he stretches his neck far enough, he could probably see Erwin’s cock slide in and out of him.

But Levi doesn’t stretch his neck, forcing himself to lay back and take what Erwin gives him so gratefully. He watches Erwin’s face, just lightly illuminated in the moonlight. He can see his lip is being abused by his teeth, desperately holding in the noises that Levi doesn’t - and can’t - hold in. He can see those eyes, always used for planning and strategy, clouded with lust and fervour, so different from his usual stoicism. 

Erwin's face has always been beautiful, but right now, it’s damn angelic.

The tugs of arousal Levi feels from watching Erwin fall apart bring him over the edge. He's grasping at whatever he can, and he's not too sure if it's Erwin, himself or the bed. Through his spasms, he can also feel Erwin still inside him, warmth filling him.

After his muscles finally start to relax, Levi starts to come back into his body, realising the logical things he couldn’t before. He tries to ignore the fact that they forgot to use a condom, but the stickiness inside of Levi begs to differ.

“We forgot to use a condom,” Levi says in between pants. 

“I’m clean, I promise.”

“I don’t care about that,” Levi dismisses. “Well, _I do_ care about that. But right now I’m more uncomfortable with the mess you’ve left inside me.”

“Oh,” Erwin mutters, just coming back to reality. “Of course. I’ll go get a towel.”

Levi feels a tug of sadness when Erwin leaves, the coldness of the night wrapping around him. But Erwin isn't gone for long, returning with a wet cloth. 

Levi watches as Erwin strokes carefully at his bottom and thighs, cleaning away the mess they made. He watches as Erwin plans his strokes methodically and carefully. He can feel how soft his motions are, and how careful he is to not hurt Levi with oversensitivity. 

Levi lays kind of stunned, unable to talk through such an intimate gesture. 

“I’ll be back, I promise,” Erwin whispers, leaving the bed again. He comes back with a clean wet cloth, and a new dry one.

He starts off by softly drying the places he had previously been, ridding Levi of any mess. He then continues to wipe Levi with the wet cloth, moving on to his chest. His cycle of softly washing and drying lulls Levi into calm. 

And somewhere within Levi, a lightbulb turns on. 

“Aftercare,” Levi says, stopping Erwin by grabbing his arm. “This is aftercare.”

Erwin’s eyes widen slowly, and he nods. “It is.”

Levi sits up, rising himself to Erwin's level. Everything doesn't quite add up now. "Why didn't you tell me before we had sex? That could have been a lot less vanilla."

Erwin frowns. “While I had a very strong feeling that you were a submissive, I didn’t want to push you. It’s not right to start a scene without talking about it first and establishing boundaries and rules. It didn’t look like you were wanting to stop anytime soon, and to be honest... I just really wanted to feel you, nothing more."

Levi's eyes narrow, uncertain of Erwin's answer. All of his previous dominants were never this soft. It was always about something kinky with them. But with Erwin... it was different. 

“You’re too noble for your own good.”

“ _No,_ I’m safe.” Erwin corrects Levi firmly. “I don’t skip by my partner’s safety lightly, Levi. It’s important to me that you’re safe, and that we communicate.”

“I don’t care about being safe.” Levi growls, pushing his body into Erwin’s, hands rubbing lightly at his thighs. He's provoking him now, giving it to him in the way he should want it, with Levi bending to his every wish. “I want to be hurt and used and played with until I can’t remember my own name. I _don’t_ want to be safe.”

“There’s a big difference between being hurt in a scene, and doing something uncomfortable and unsafe. It always has to be safe, sane and consensual.” Erwin's voice turns quickly to concern. He grabs at Levi’s hands to stop him from taking it further. “How safe were you with your previous partners, Levi?”

Something strikes a certain nerve within Levi. His previous dominants were never cruel or harsh, at least, not in the way Levi didn’t want it. They always gave him a safeword, and they always allowed him to use it. They even gave him aftercare when he needed it. But they were never like this, like Erwin is, soft and sensual and _caring_. 

Erwin doesn’t want Levi solely for his body or his submissive sexual nature. He wants him emotionally, and possibly romantically. That's something Levi has never experienced.

“I have to go,” Levi mutters, panic filling his lungs. He doesn't want to talk about this, not with Erwin. He doesn't want to be questioned about his sexual past. He doesn’t want to be questioned about his past at all. With Erwin, he only wants to fuck. 

“Levi, wait-” Erwin tries to say, but Levi is already gone, still scrambling to put on the last of his clothes in the hallway. 

Levi considers his past to be the past; long forgotten and not thought of. What Levi had done, sexually or otherwise, before he had met Erwin was none of his business. 

Levi doesn’t like it when people are itching to know his secrets, the very things that could be the end of him. He doesn’t like the idea of somebody wanting or having the ability to tear him apart. And right now, Erwin has him in an emotional vice grip, regardless of their professional relationship. That thought terrifies Levi to his core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr!! All feedback is appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

Today, Levi wakes with aching muscles instead of violent nightmares. Crawling out of bed, he notices a few of his roommates are still asleep in their bunks. _Lazy shits,_ Levi thinks. They’ll miss first call, and Levi will laugh as they get reprimanded. 

He decides to try a few stretches on his sore muscles, the stuff he usually does when 3DMG training has battered his body sore. It alleviates some of the pressure, but doesn’t help the burn in his ass. 

He silently curses Erwin and his dick, although Levi knows that the pain is mostly his own fault. He can remember everything vividly, including the way he pushed Erwin to be rougher, and the way he begged for it so shamelessly. The fault is mostly his.

But for what it was worth, Levi loved every second of it. 

Deciding to forgo breakfast for a shower, Levi grabs his toiletries and heads out. He desperately needs to feel hot water glide down his body - not just to clean himself - but to let his body relax and to clear his thoughts.

“Hey!” Hanji calls out, bouncing forward towards Levi, tearing him from his morning serenity. He doesn’t stop walking though, hell bent on squeezing in a shower before work. “I heard you’re in Erwin’s squad now.”

“I guess,” Levi mumbles, hoping Hanji would get the clue and leave him alone. Levi often finds himself ignoring the very eccentric soldier, who doesn’t ever seem to give up on talking to him. And for some reason, Hanji never seems to get insulted by his obvious attempts to shake them off. 

“I must say, I was surprised, considering all that went down between you two.” 

Levi’s heart drops. He can’t say for sure that Hanji doesn’t know about his date with Erwin last night, but then again, he never quite knows what goes on around here. Somebody could have seen them walking together last night, or seen Levi leave Erwin’s room half naked. The whole of the Survey Corps could have been informed overnight, already talking about it behind his back. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, it’s a bit of a folk story around here, isn’t it? Erwin capturing you and reforming you into a man of the Survey Corps. It’s the kind of stuff legends are made out of.”

Levi sighs internally, relieved that the ‘secret’ is still safe. Fraternising with a superior was far messier than he expected or wanted. If anybody found out, they could both get kicked out of the Corps. Levi especially, since he was the least experienced. 

On some level, Levi finally understood why Erwin was so hesitant to fuck him in the first place. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi says as he speeds up the pace of his walking, trying his hardest to shake off Hanji. 

Hanji cackles, patting him on the back like an old friend. Levi winces and shies away, uncomfortable with the touch. By the looks of Hanji’s hair, they might not have washed themselves in years. There could be so many germs on his shoulder right now.

“There’s no point in denying it. Erwin told me the whole story.”

In an instant, Levi stops passively ignoring Hanji and turns on them. “Shut. Up.” He snaps in warning. 

“Woah, no need to get angry,” Hanji says, holding their hands up in a surrender. Their features soften and they smile. “I have something to show you.”

“Not interested, Goggles.”

“No, trust me. You’ll be interested.” Hanji says, a twinkle in their voice. Levi can sense that Hanji isn't playing games anymore. “C’mon Levi. I know you’re more than grump and sarcasm. You’ll want to see this.”

 _You don’t know anything about me,_ Levi wants to say. But there’s something about Hanji's words that spurs Levi’s curiosity. There’s still so much that Levi doesn’t know about this place and how it operates. And Hanji, who has made their alliance with Erwin pretty clear, is obviously in on his big plans. Somehow, everything must be interconnected. 

So in an act of spontaneity - acts which are turning out to be more and more frequent for Levi, something which he'll credit to the Survey Corps - he abandons his hot shower to follow Hanji. 

They end up at a room, down near the castle’s dungeons. He’s known that the dungeons exist, but he’s never needed to go near them. It seems kind of pointless for the Survey Corps to have dungeons anyway, since they almost never deal with human criminals. Levi guesses that they’re for soldiers gone awry, and not criminal citizens like your stereotypical dungeon would be. 

As they enter, Levi thinks it looks just like a normal storage room. Old and broken equipment, everything from 3DMG to saddles, sit dumped in boxes. But as Levi walks further in, he sees abnormalities. 

A desk and a lamp, placed placed like a normal work desk, with millions of papers scattered around it. Everything from university textbooks to journals to handwritten scribbles. Further behind that is what looks like an elementary chemistry set, the kind that drug mules use to cook up their poison. On the walls are maps, most of them showing new terrain free from the confines of walls, land that Levi has never seen before. 

There’s one particular wall scroll that piques Levi’s interest; a large line drawn horizontally with various dates marked off on it. Levi goes to the start, year 0. Before it, there’s a question mark. As he walks along, he can see various years marked off with significant events, like the deaths of Kings, the establishment of the Survey Corps, and the appearance and discovery of various abnormal titans. 

It’s timeline of everything that has happened since the walls were built.

“What the fuck is this place?” 

“It’s my research lab.”

Levi frowns, thinking back to his conversation with Erwin the other day. “I thought the Survey Corps wasn’t allowed to conduct research?”

“Officially, yes. But unofficially, Erwin has allowed me to conduct some research on the side. Together, we built this.”

“Does Shadis know?”

“No. So I’m counting on you to keep this secret for me, you hear?”

“What makes you think I’ll keep your damn secret?” Levi huffs. Hanji has no reason to trust Levi at all. In fact, Hanji barely knows him, aside from the very few brief conversations that they’ve had.

“Because Erwin seems to trust you - and if Erwin trusts you - then I trust you.”

Erwin clearly seems to inspire confidence. And it’s not just Hanji; Mike follows whatever he says as law, too. Levi wonders if they were all friends who've developed similar life aspirations, or if these bonds were something that Erwin has built and forged over time. Regardless, it’s a smart move to surround himself with loyalty. Levi can appreciate that much, at least. 

“Whatever,” Levi mutters, shoving his hands into his pockets, tearing his gaze away from the timeline. “I don’t care anyway.”

“But you do care,” Hanji informs firmly. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.”

Levi wants to snap at Hanji again, to tell her she's wrong. But that would be unfair, because what Hanji says is completely correct. Levi can fake disinterest all he likes, but he cares about Erwin, and he cares about what Erwin wants to achieve.

Silently, without another word, Levi slips away from the research lab. He notices how little time he has until work starts, but he searches for a hot shower anyway. For most of the day, he is lost in his own thoughts, unable to stop thinking about that timeline, the date 0, and the question mark that resides beside it.

\---

When Levi turns up to training, Erwin’s eyes immediately fall onto him. There’s a doubt in Erwin’s face, which tells Levi that Erwin probably didn’t expect him to turn up today. But Levi’s not lazy, and he likes to catch Erwin off guard.

Erwin is the picture of a put together person, someone who has it all; well spoken, well presented and successful. When Levi can break that composition down, it’s a rush, to say the least.

Today they’re practicing on the cardboard titans, which requires the use of 3DMG. It’s not the best for Levi’s ass, but it’s better than what horse work would be. As he deploys the first of his hooks, and as he hears the whirring sounds of air rushing past him, he feels a sense of peace and calm. He knows this is where he belongs, flying through the air. When you're flying, nothing else seems to matter. Levi finds it's kind of like submitting to someone, but lonelier. 

Levi doesn’t end up getting his best score, but he still beats every single soldier in Erwin’s squad. Some of them congratulate him, while others continue with their judgemental stares, still bitter that they weren’t the ones promoted to his position.

When training breaks, Levi decides to confront Erwin, walking up to him as casually as he always would.

“Stop staring at me, or you’ll give us away.” Levi growls under his breath. Although he lets his anger seep through his voice, he makes sure to keep his expression in check so that their exchange looks strictly professional.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asks, ignoring Levi’s warning entirely. 

_God, this man can be frustrating,_ Levi thinks.

“Did you not hear me? Stop staring.”

“I did.” Erwin’s hands fall on Levi’s shoulders, close to his neck. Levi desperately suppresses a shiver, and immediately tries to ditch all fantasies of Erwin wrapping those same hands around his neck. “But I’m worried about you Levi.”

“Don’t touch me,” Levi hisses, shaking Erwin’s hands off his shoulder quickly. “We’re in public and there are people around.”

“It was a friendly gesture, I do it to everybody.” Erwin’s expression deepens. “Are you okay, Levi? Did I hurt you?”

“No, you didn’t hurt me. In fact, you barely even touched me.” 

“And yet, you’re wincing every time you land back on ground.”

Levi hopes that Erwin was the only one to notice. He tried his best to hide his discomfort. “That’s not your fault. I haven’t taken it up the ass in a while, so I’m not exactly used to it.”

Erwin sucks in air, shocked by Levi’s blunt admission. He looks back at the rest of his Squad, milling too far away to hear them talking, but just close enough to see everything they do. “You can be really crude sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah, well, you have a big dick. I just tell it like it is, I don't see any reason to sugar coat it.” Levi says, knowing his words are only adding fuel to the fire. By the look on Erwin's face, Levi can tell he's only slightly amused and mostly annoyed.

Erwin sighs, lowering his voice. “Will you at least tell me why you left last night?”

Levi considers, for a second, telling Erwin why. Everything he had felt in the moment he fled Erwin’s bed was still weighing on his mind. Erwin wasn't a monster, and he would surely empathise and give him advice on how to overcome his fears. Every day, Erwin proved himself more and more trustworthy.

But as Levi opens his mouth, ready to spill his feelings, he can feel the heavy weight taking over, closing his mouth shut for him. 

_Erwin can tear you apart with that knowledge, destroy you more than anybody else could._

“Don’t worry about it. Just - don’t worry about it.” He says instead. “I’ll see you later, Squad Leader Smith.”

“Levi, if you need anything - anything at all - come to me. I'll help you.” Erwin insists. It's more than an offer, less than an order. “And please don’t call me that, it sounds silly. Just call me Erwin.”

Levi steps away. “Goodbye, Erwin.”

But even as Levi says those words, he knows they're false. It's not really a goodbye. They’re too deeply entwined now, and they both know it. Maybe it’s an effect from getting involved with your direct superior officer, or maybe there’s a deeper pull linking them together, right from the very first day they met, that goes far beyond a common professional goal. 

Either way, Levi predicts he’ll be back in Erwin’s arms within a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr/twitter. Don't hesitate to contact me, and all feedback is appreciated !


	7. Chapter 7

Levi’s predictions are close, but a little off. It takes two weeks for Levi to end up back in Erwin’s arms, and not in the way he expected.

They’re in Erwin’s office late at night, going over preparations for the next expedition. Every time the Survey Corps goes out on a new expedition, they try to go farther than they did they previous time. But trying to predict what might be beyond, and what the terrain will be like, is difficult. Erwin, as one of the main strategists, comes up with the contingency plans. 

For a second, Levi wonders what the point is. He guesses that the idea is to find land that the titans don’t inhabit. But they are a small army - the smallest army in the military. There’s no way they could defeat all the titans, so in reality, it’s a lost cause.

“Do you think we’re actually doing any good with these expeditions?” Levi asks when they wrap up their planning.

Erwin leans back in his chair, thinking for a few seconds, before frowning. “No,” he concludes. “But we will be. Soon.”

“Hanji’s research.” Levi mutters. “That’s what you mean, right?”

“Yes,” Erwin confirms. “How do you know about that?”

“Hanji told me. Well, showed me. It seems pretty pathetic, but it’s cute.”

“I’ve been pushing Keith to start conducting research, and he agrees. But politically, none of the nobles or higher ups want us to go anywhere near it.”

“Any idea why?”

“It could be related to the overall censorship of knowledge, particularly about the outside world and origins of the titans. Or maybe they want the Survey Corps to die out. We’ve always been viewed as pointless and a waste money. But… research would make us invaluable. Powerful.”

Levi rubs at his temples. “This is so damn political, it gives me a headache.”

“You don’t need to worry about any of that Levi. Your job is to build your skills, and become the best leader you can be. That’s all I need from you.”

Mischief tugs at Levi, and he smirks. “So I’m kinda like the brawn to your brains? Your little guard dog to order around?”

“I- No, not like _that._ ”

“It’s cool. I’m not very smart anyway.” 

Levi doesn’t take offence to a hit at his intelligence, because really, it’s not his fault he was born into poverty and barely educated. He's dumb, so much dumber than Erwin, and that’s just the plain truth.

But Erwin has other thoughts. “You’re smart, Levi. Very smart. You have great intuition, too. You’re just not as manipulative as me. You don’t calculate ahead, like everything is a game.”

“I’m not smart,” Levi says again, but he’s trying to convince Erwin of something that he won’t budge on.

“You are.”

Levi rolls his eyes and tries to drop the subject. “And besides, you’re not manipulative either.”

“Oh, _Levi,_ ” Erwin taunts, a demanding slant to his voice that makes Levi weak at his knees. “You have _no_ idea what I am capable of.”

Levi’s mouth dries. Every nerve of his body is on fire, hanging onto every word Erwin says. He’s slipping, slipping so far down the rabbit hole that he can’t climb back out fast enough.

“And what exactly are you capable of?” Levi dares to ask.

And Erwin sits staring, watching as Levi squirms in his seat, and watching as Levi slips down into submission. Erwin knows what power he has, and he knows how to use it. Sometimes, doing nothing is just as powerful as doing something

But Erwin decides to shake his head, breaking the tension and the illusion. “ _Shit,_ Levi. We can’t do this again.”

“We can’t,” Levi agrees. They shouldn't do a lot of things, and yet they always seem to find themselves back in this situation. 

"What went wrong, Levi?” Erwin asks, taking advantage of Levi’s more fragile state. “Before, you were basically begging me to fuck you. And now, you're all closed up, unwilling to even let me touch you."

Levi shivers as his demons rise once again. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn't even know if he _can_ talk about this. 

But he looks up at Erwin, who is never going to give up on getting an answer, and decides to relent. He doesn’t need to say anything elaborate, or explain himself in detail. Three words should do it well enough.

"I got scared."

Erwin looks at him grimly, like he has been fired from his job, or has been told a relative was dying. He's trying to keep it together, but inside, he's dying. 

"Okay. How did I scare you?"

"Look, it doesn't matter now-"

"It does matter," Erwin insists firmly, his fingers wrapping into fists. "It matters so that I don't make the same mistake again. With you, or with anyone else."

"I just…” Levi’s throat constricts, but he pushes forward. “I’ve never liked forming emotional bonds with people. And then you started talking about _safety_ \- of all things to be talking about after sex - and I realised that you actually care for me and I... I guess I just shut down."

"Oh," Erwin mumbles, unable to hide the shock from his face. Levi immediately panics, his inner thoughts racing to keep up.

_I’m a complete idiot, oh God, how could I be so stupid, opening up to Erwin, letting Erwin in, giving myself over to Erwin, fuck fuck fuck, I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have done it, I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have done it..._

"I’m sorry," Levi croaks, the prickling beneath his eyes conjuring tears that he doesn’t want to fall. In this moment, he feels weaker than he’s ever been.

As his survival instincts kick in, he does the one thing he always known to do in a moment of despair; run. 

But as he tries to flee, strong arms grab his own to hold him back. He doesn’t even make it to the door.

“Wait Levi!” Erwin cries, bringing Levi back around to face him. Levi complies, but he can’t bare to look Erwin in the eye, to see what he knows is true. “I’m not judging you. It’s okay to feel that way. I just needed a few minutes to process it, because it’s not what I expected.”

“Wow, I guess you didn’t expect me to be so weak, huh?” Levi mutters bitterly. His eyes are still stinging, but it’s feat that no tears have fallen. He's waiting for the taunting and teasing and hate to get thrown his way, a sick sense of justice for all the wrong he's done, but it never comes.

“No, _no,_ Levi.” Erwin manages to grab Levi’s hand, and then his arm, and then his shoulder. Soon, Levi can’t help but look him in the eye. “Look, I get it. I’m the same. I keep people at a distance, and I rarely form emotional bonds. I understand if this scares you, after everything you’ve been through.”

Levi wonders if Erwin really does know what it’s like, to have every single good thing in your meaningless existence torn from you with blood. Levi wonders what he’s lost to make him like that, just like Levi. 

“You’re better at it than I am.”

“Perhaps,” Erwin says, bringing Levi closer. They’re pretty much hugging, but still, Erwin asks, “Can I hug you?”

“Yeah.”

A lot of the time, Levi feels hollow. He feels like there’s nothing grounding him, nothing to keep him in check. There’s always something missing or something torn or something stripped away from him, and he never feels complete. He just feels hollow.

But Erwin’s arms are anything but hollow. They are warm and strong and safe, somewhere that Levi doesn’t have to be anything but himself. He could scream or cry or laugh or smile, and it wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t have to pretend to be something he’s not.

Until Erwin eventually lets go, because of course, friendly hugs aren’t meant to go on for that long.

"A few of us are going out for drinks at the local bar, would you like to come with us?" Erwin asks.

Levi hesitates, because he isn’t used to, and doesn’t really like, socialising with other people. But then again, Erwin doesn’t socialise with many people either. It’s not hard to guess who he’s talking about. 

"Let me guess - you’re going with Hanji, Mike and Nanaba?"

Erwin smiles, not entirely surprised that Levi is able to guess. "How did you know?"

"You’re the one who said I was smart."

“That I did. Are you in?"

"Yes,” Levi says, his mouth moving before he even realises it. “I'm in."

\---

The bar is nice, the drinks are nice, and the company is, surprisingly, nice.

Hanji, of course, is their usual rambunctious self. They instantly zone in on Levi, as soon as he enters the bar, asking him all kinds of weird and invasive questions. Erwin, sensing Levi’s discomfort, swerves the conversation in other directions. Aside from that, Hanji's company makes for good comedic moments, and they do manage to make Levi laugh on some occasions, moments which they all celebrate.

Mike has never been one to talk much, but he definitely seems to be more relaxed and chatty with alcohol in his system. Despite the fact that he pushed Levi’s face into mud that one time, Levi doesn’t mind Mike. He’s rational, but not too cold. A fine soldier, and a person that Levi looks up to.

And at his side is Nanaba, a woman whom Levi hadn’t talked to at all before tonight. She's always been around, always been there, but they've never needed to interact before. Her demeanour is calm and almost motherly, making her company a pleasant surprise. But most of all, she is nice, and Levi appreciates that.

And Erwin is, quite simply, the same as he always is. A complete gentleman, even when slightly tipsy. The kind of man that walks Levi to his dorm room even though Levi is more than capable of walking around HQ by himself.

“Well, this is your dorm,” Erwin murmurs as they stop outside, facing each other. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

But Levi doesn’t move. At all. Instead, he stays standing and staring at Erwin, who of course, does the exact same thing. It’s awkward, but Levi doesn’t want to move away and break the moment either. 

“You actually have to open the door to go inside, you know…” Erwin murmurs.

“I know,” Levi replies. “But I don’t want to.”

It could be the liquid courage talking, but right now, Levi would like to think he’s actually done something brave. His newfound honesty with Erwin is inspiring him to be more open and more accepting of the things he can’t change. He can't change his feelings for Erwin, or the attraction he feels for him. Their bond grows stronger every day, and Levi has no hope of interfering with that. 

Erwin, he decides, is an inevitability. 

“What do you want to do then?” Erwin asks, taking a step forward. “You have to say it, Levi. I’m not a mindreader.” 

Levi gulps, feeling the heavy weight drag him under, down into that space where everything feels like bliss. The liquor floats around in his head, making his reaction ten times worse. 

Erwin takes another step forward.

“I-”

And another step forward. 

“I want you.”

Erwin steps forward one last time, pulling Levi into a kiss. His arm wraps around Levi’s waist, and his hand digs into Levi’s hair, twisting Levi’s head back for leverage. Levi exhales loudly, sighing into it. 

“We can’t do this here.” Erwin breathes, just barely audible.

“I don’t care,” Levi replies, leaning forward, searching for Erwin’s lips in the dim light, wanting more of that addictive high. He leans into Erwin’s arms, giving all of his strength away, knowing that Erwin will be seduced with that kind control. “Please.”

That’s all Erwin needs to surge forward, pinning Levi up against the wall like he had weeks before. Only this time their bodies meld together, like heated metal carved out to fit against each other perfectly. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss until Levi doesn’t have any air of his own left, only the air that Erwin has given him. 

They both disentangle as they tire, but Erwin doesn’t leave without a chaste kiss on Levi’s cheek, and a small confession.

“You’re beautiful, my Levi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr or twitter. All feedback is appreciated!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is _really_ NSFW. Rimming and light bondage.

Those words are the first thing on Levi’s mind when he wakes up the next morning.

_You’re beautiful, my Levi._

It carries on into breakfast, a repeated litany in his head, over and over again.

_You’re beautiful, my Levi._

His chest thumps as Erwin walks into the mess hall. In the end, he has to look away from the man, in fear of his face turning bright red. 

“Good morning, Levi,” Erwin says, carrying himself like he usually does. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“I did,” Levi replies. And for a second, he wonders if last night was a dream. Maybe it never actually happened, and Levi was just projecting his feelings onto Erwin.

But out of the corner of his eye, Levi watches as Erwin’s hand moves to his back, a light touch that runs from his coccyx to his shoulder blade, and then back down again. From anybody else’s point of view, the gesture would be seen as a simple pat on the back, but Levi knows the touch is anything but friendly.

Levi knows that it wasn’t a dream.

“I have meetings all day, so I won’t see you,” Erwin tells him after they've finished breakfast, the entire time passing in silence until now. His eyes dart around the room quickly, glancing to make sure nobody is listening in. “But will you come to my room tonight? After dinner?”

“Yes,” Levi says quickly. There is no doubt in his mind; this is what he wants, with or without consequence. 

Levi waits patiently all day, going through the motions of his duties, with Erwin constantly on his mind, never drifting too far from those four words. 

_You’re beautiful, my Levi._

And when Levi finally knocks on Erwin’s bedroom door that night, Erwin opens it almost immediately, causing Levi to stumble forward into his body. It’s almost embarrassing how eager they both are. Erwin, it seems, can’t help but nervously chuckle. And Levi, it seems, can’t help but move and talk too quickly.

“Sorry,” Levi mutters, stepping away from Erwin, and closing the door behind him. 

“It’s okay,” Erwin says, dragging out a old chair from the corner of his room. “Please, sit down on my bed.”

Levi takes a seat on the bed, while Erwin sits on the chair. They now face each other directly, eye to eye, as equals. 

With a lack of liquor coursing through their veins, or a deep arousal driving their behaviour, they’re both extremely awkward. Even Erwin can’t seem to find a place to start talking, nervously wringing his hands together in his lap. In Levi’s mind, that’s a good thing. It shows how much they both want it, and how much they both don’t want to screw it up. If Erwin was suave while Levi was a bumbling mess, he’d feel intimidated. 

Levi likes that Erwin can be such an angel, such a perfect being in many ways, while also being a flawed human, just like him.

“I’ll just get straight to the point then,” Erwin says, breaking the silence. “We obviously can’t get away from each other, and we obviously feel things for each other, and I don’t want to deny it anymore. I want you, as my submissive.”

In the end, Levi appreciates the blunt approach. It tells him exactly where they stand, and exactly what Erwin wants. There’s nothing ambiguous, and nothing left to chance. Now, he knows for certain.

“I want you too.”

“As a dominant?”

“Of course. What else am I going to use you for? A broom?” Levi jokes, rolling his eyes. It lightens the mood, making them both ease into their seats. It feels more like a friendly chat, and less like a business meeting.

“I’m just checking. An important aspect of this is communication, and we both need to know exactly what the other person wants out of it, otherwise it won’t work.”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Levi mutters. He admires Erwin’s need for safety, but it does get repetitive after a while. “So we’re really going to do this?”

“We are.” Erwin nods, with a smile. “First of all, before we start, is there anything you need from me? Anything at all?”

Levi thinks it through, but his thoughts come up blank. Obviously, there needs to be respect for limits, and a respect for consent. But Erwin has proven his commitment to safety so many times that Levi knows it’s nothing to worry about.

There’s something else though, something extremely important about their relationship, that should be addressed.

“This needs to be a secret. Nobody can find out.” Levi says. “I think the reasons for that are pretty obvious.”

“I agree. We’ll have to be keep it strictly professional outside of this room.” Erwin says. “If you think of something else you need, let me know.” 

Levi nods, and Erwin continues. “I need only one thing from you: complete honesty.”

It seems simple enough. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship, forbidden or not, kinky or not. But as Erwin starts to explain, that simple rule of honesty starts to make Levi very nervous.

“If I ask you a question, I want it answered truthfully, in or out of a scene. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsafe or triggered, I need you to tell me, truthfully. If you lie about this, I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t be with a partner who won’t tell me when I’ve gone too far, or when I’m hurting them for real.” 

Levi can see that this is personal for Erwin. There’s guilt on his face, and he isn’t trying to hide it. One of his previous partners must have been hurt, and in turn, that must have hurt him too.

Levi wants to say that he can obey this rule. He wants to say that he can be honest, completely and utterly. But the truth is, he has a hard time revealing his true feelings to anyone. He can’t promise Erwin that all his questions will get an answer.

“I- I don’t know about that… I don’t like people prying into me, or my personal life.”

“I understand that,” Erwin says gently, as if he knew this would be an issue with Levi’s personal demons. “And I would try to respect your boundaries as much as possible. I wouldn’t ever ask you a question if it wasn’t necessary for your safety, and my safety.” 

Erwin’s words are slightly reassuring to Levi. With honesty comes trust, and if Levi trusts Erwin enough to have his body, then he should trust him enough to have his mind.

And what’s the worst that could happen anyway? Levi lies, Erwin finds out, and they break it off. It would be over anyway if Levi didn’t agree right now. At least this way, he could get something out of it in the meantime. 

There’s nothing Levi could lose, really.

“Do we have a deal?”

“Yes, I promise to be truthful.”

“Good.” Levi watches as Erwin breathes a sigh of relief. “Now onto the real negotiation. Normally I would write this stuff down, but if anybody were to find it, it would be extremely incriminating. So we’ll just have to promise to remember everything that we say.”

“I promise.”

Erwin smiles slyly this time, noticing the way the words slip from Levi’s lips, so naturally. “Good.”

Levi doesn’t suppress a shiver. There’s no point in suppressing any of his arousal anymore, not when they’re this far gone. 

“Safewords. I like to use colours; Green for okay and keep going, Yellow for a pause and regroup, and Red for stopping the scene entirely. Are you okay with that?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Do you promise to be truthful, and use them when you need to?” 

“Yes.” 

Using safewords isn’t a problem for Levi. He’s done it before, and will do it again. The real problem, in Levi’s eyes, is the dominant respecting his safewords without judgement.

“Do _you_ promise to respect my safewords?” Levi asks in return. It’s a question that probably doesn’t even need to be asked, because it’s _Erwin_ , but Levi does so anyway. If Erwin wants Levi to be honest, having the strength to say what he needs is a good starting point.

Erwin makes sure to catch Levi’s eyes, his face turning stone cold and deadly serious. “I promise,” he says, with the finality and determination of a true leader, a person that would never let Levi down. 

“Okay.” Levi wants to say something more profound in return for such a promise, but he simply can’t. The atmosphere drifts slowly back into awkward territory, as Levi doesn’t dare say another word.

Erwin coughs, shifting slightly in his seat. “Moving on. Limits? Things you’ll never ever do?”

“Uh…” Levi mutters, finding his voice again. “Nothing with a knife or a gun or something that could kill me. Or you. Nothing that’s meant to go in the toilet. No humiliation or voyeurism. I think that’s about it...”

“I share the first two, and can respect the third,” Erwin explains. “I have trouble with most forms of roleplay, but I could make an exception for some things. Perhaps, if we worked up to it.”

Levi has never really felt much for roleplay, especially the kind that got violent quickly. “Fair enough. I can respect that.” 

“And now the fun part; what do you like?”

“Pain.” Levi says, almost instantly. It’s the one thing that would be deal breaker for him, if his partner was unwilling to go there. “Spanking, paddles, floggers, whips and everything impact related. Most types of power exchange. Breath play, but not breath control, I don’t want you to _actually_ choke me.”

“Noted.” Erwin nods, finally smiling once again. “I like the sound of everything. What do you think about wax?”

Levi has heard things about candles and wax, but has never actually experienced it. “Maybe. I’d try it.” 

“Sensory deprivation?” 

“Yes.”

“Bondage and ropes?”

“Yes.”

“Well it seems like we’re mostly in agreement.”

“I’m sorry, but this is way too awkward, and it’s killing me,” Levi blurts out, unable to take it any longer. He tries his best to explain himself, but he knows it comes out as a mess. “All day, I couldn’t stop thinking about last night, and our kissing… and… ”

“ _And?_ ” Erwin provokes, a knowing smile on his face. Levi internally curses Erwin for making him say it out loud.

“You called me _your_ Levi...” 

Levi knows he’s pushed one of Erwin’s buttons, and he watches as Erwin’s eyes grow predatory. Erwin quickly sheds his military jacket, revealing his white undershirt, a garment that highly compliments his broad chest. Levi loves the feeling of being pressed up against that chest.

“That’s because _you are_ my Levi,” Erwin growls, crossing the space between them, pushing Levi down onto the bed. Levi sucks in a breath, feeling the wind get knocked out of his body. Erwin leans over him, powerful, ready to control Levi in every way.

“I am going to enjoy undressing this body,” Erwin murmurs softly, sliding his index finger down Levi’s cheek. “You’re mine now.”

“Yes sir,” Levi whimpers.

Erwin hums in reply, fingers lifting at Levi’s chin. “So you’d like to call me sir?”

“Y-Yes…”

“I wonder what I should call you...” Erwin muses. “Any preferences?”

Levi has been called many things before. Whore, slut, pet, boy, slave… But he’s never had a preference for anything. Any of those words would sound beautiful, falling from Erwin’s lips.

“Whatever you want, sir.”

“ _Oh,_ good answer,” Erwin growls, leaving Levi to shudder under the weight of the idea that he’s done something _right._ “I’ll have fun thinking of the perfect name for you.” Erwin eases off Levi’s body, standing up. “But first, I want you on all fours. Right now.”

Levi scrambles, probably embarrassingly so. He wants so desperately to be good for Erwin, to do everything he says so perfectly, to make Erwin want to keep him around. 

“Both your hands behind your back,” Erwin orders, and Levi complies.

He can feel a smooth fabric glide over his wrists, hooking around and around in a binding motion, sealing them together behind his back 

“Colour?” Erwin asks as he ties it up. Levi moves his hands to get a feel for it, the binding tight enough that his hands won’t slip out, but not tight enough to cut off his circulation. It doesn’t feel as nice as a proper handcuff, but Levi knows that they will have to make do with a lot of things. 

“ _Green,_ ” Levi replies.

“Head to the bed.”

Levi moves, head placed down into the mattress, squashed to the side so he can still breathe. When he does so, he realises exactly why Erwin ordered him into this position; his ass is now up in the air, where Erwin can see anything, and take anything, he wants.

“One last order, Levi,” Erwin says, positioning himself behind Levi as he hears the knowing click of the lube bottle. “Don’t hold back - especially your noises. I want to hear you, and every single noise you need to make.”

Erwin’s fingers are now circling Levi’s rim, slick with lube, teasing him, waiting for an answer.

“Yes sir,” Levi gasps, a strangled noise, as he bucks up into Erwin’s touch.

Erwin leans over his form, whispering words like “gorgeous” and “pretty” and “lovely” into the skin of his back, things that Levi has never been called before. They turn into a soft melody, played over and over again, while Erwin’s fingers spread Levi open, stretching him so nicely.

And then Erwin leaves Levi’s body, for a second, before his mouth covers Levi’s asshole, sucking him in and pleasuring him with his mouth. Levi has rimmed before, much to his displeasure, but he has never been on the receiving end. Now, as Erwin’s tongue sinks in deeper, he realises why his previous partners wanted it so badly. 

Levi trembles, teeth biting down on his lips, desperate to hold his noises back. His whines and moans are high pitched and feminine, noises that Levi isn’t proud of. They are so far from his usual masculine, stoic persona, and most of all, they are embarrassing. He doesn’t want anybody to know what he sounds like when he really lets go.

But then he remembers Erwin’s last order, and he sobs a little, because he knows he’s going to have to open himself up to vulnerability once more. So with a deep breath, Levi opens his mouth and lets the noises fall.

“Good, Levi. _Good._ ” Erwin growls when he hears Levi whining, detaching his mouth from Levi’s flesh. “That’s the pretty noise I wanted to hear. Do you deserve a reward now?”

“Yes,” Levi hisses, twisted his neck to its limit. “I do. _Please._ ”

Levi can hear wet sounds of Erwin slicking himself, ready for Levi to take. He knows what is coming, and what his reward will be, so he arches his body in anticipation.

Erwin teases him, sliding the head of his cock across Levi’s ass, up and down, dipping just slightly into his hole. “Is this what you want?”

“Yes,” Levi mumbles into the sheets, trying his hardest to buck into Erwin’s touch.

“Speak up, Levi.”

“Yes!” Levi shouts, desperate to feel Erwin again, pounding into him, filling him up. 

As Erwin positions himself, sliding into Levi slowly but surely, his fingers grip roughly at Levi’s hips, a sure way to cause bruises later. Levi jolts, cock bouncing against his stomach, making him briefly aware of just how hard he is, and just how close he is to coming. Erwin rocks in slowly, easing into it, leaving Levi hanging in a state of having just enough, but not nearly enough at the same time.

Erwin enters into a rhythm, a small pattern of fast and slow, deep and shallow. Erwin knows how to play with Levi’s body, and how to control his pleasure, and Levi does nothing but give in. As Erwin’s hips start snapping as their fastest pace, Levi comes, a multitude of curses falling from his lips.

Getting fucked like this - hands bound, ass in the air, held down - is everything that Levi needed and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me @spinsy on tumblr/twitter. All feedback appreciated!!!


	9. Chapter 9

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asks after he manages to regain his breath. There’s sweat shining on both their bodies, but they’re too warm for it to settle and become sticky yet. They're still puffing and panting, recovering from the intensity. 

But Erwin’s main concern is not his apparent lack of stamina. It’s Levi, who lies on his bed, face down and unmoving.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asks again, terror leaping to his chest, wishing and hoping that he hasn't screwed everything up. Hurting Levi is his own worst nightmare. 

“Mmhhmm,” Levi mumbles through sheets.

It seems like a yes, but Erwin needs more clarification. “Is that a yes or no?” 

“Yes, Erwin,” Levi mumbles, still unmoving. “Now come and snuggle with me.”

Erwin sighs in relief, so very happy that Levi is okay, although exhausted and tired. They still have a long way to go when it comes to their relationship, and it will take Erwin time to understand and learn Levi’s body language, to know when something is right or wrong.

“I can do that,” Erwin mutters, lying down next to Levi. He scoops the other man’s smaller body into his own, spooning him from behind. “Is this okay?”

“You ask a lot of questions, you know.”

Erwin presses a series of tender kisses to Levi’s neck, which Levi settles into, a sign that he's comfortable with the attention. Erwin knows he must be gentle now, and attend to Levi's needs. “I’m just making sure.” 

“Let me guess… for safety?”

“Yes, for your safety,” Erwin murmurs into Levi's neck. “But also my safety. I need to know that I haven’t gone too far… That I haven’t hurt you…” 

Erwin’s voice catches in his throat, and he hates himself for it. He doesn't want to be weak, because it's not his place to be weak. As Levi's partner, as Levi's Dom, and as Levi Squad Leader, he has to be strong, all the time.

“Hey.” Levi has turned around now, moving for the first time since they collapsed together, cupping Erwin's face in his hands. It’s an odd situation, for Levi to hold him in a gesture of comfort, something that Erwin is much more likely to do. “You didn’t go too far. I loved it.” 

Levi leans in, kissing Erwin’s nose lightly. For the first time, Erwin notices Levi's eyelashes, thick veils that form a long web over his dark grey eyes. If he didn't know better, he would have thought it was make up. But Levi's eyelashes are natural, just like the smile currently on his face. 

“Did you just kiss me on the nose?” Erwin asks, chuckling to himself, trying his best to squash the bad vibes down. Levi scowls and turns around, pretending like it never happened.

Every now and then, Levi shows another side to himself, another facet for Erwin to marvel over and pine for. Erwin can't help but be captured by Levi, with all his sides, and all his flaws. 

“Just cuddle me, you fool.”

Erwin sighs as Levi settles back into his chest, slotting against him comfortably. In such a small amount of time, Levi has managed to make his way into Erwin's bed, and into Erwin's heart. It’s an amazing feat, for two people who distance themselves from everyone, never letting anybody in, even for comfort.

And Erwin can’t help but dread the moment that they both go back to the battlefield, the moment where Erwin must put Levi’s life on the line. In a way, Erwin has put Levi’s life on the line from the second he recruited him. But now, Levi is in his squad, and is his direct responsibility. His squad has the best record for survival, but still, there’s always the possibility that Erwin might have to choose between Levi, and his dream.

It would be easier if they ended it right now. It would lessen the hurt later, when one of them will inevitably die and leave the other alone in this wretched world. Erwin can almost feel what it would be like for Levi to die, a pain far worse than dying himself. 

Despite all reason and logic screaming at Erwin to end things with Levi, it’s impossible to stop now. Perhaps it’s selfish, wanting to have the sexual pleasure and emotional fulfilment that comes with Levi’s company. Or perhaps they’ve simply taken it too far, unable to back out and stay distant from each other.

Either way, Erwin is falling for Levi, and he’s falling fast.

\---

Erwin and Mike sit alone at breakfast, both men shovelling porridge into their mouths, ready for a long and difficult day at work. Every day that passes brings them closer to the next expedition, making their job all the more harder. If their strategy isn’t immaculate, or their squads aren’t trained properly, it’s on them. They will be the ones to cause those deaths.

And as a newly appointed Squad Leader, Erwin can tell that Mike is feeling that weight. 

Mike finishes his breakfast, much faster than what Erwin does. Mike has always eaten more, but Erwin is also extremely sluggish this morning, his late night weighing him down. It leaves Mike free to ask a question, one that has obviously been on his mind for a while. 

“Where is he?” Mike asks. 

Erwin knows that Mike can smell Levi on him, but plays ignorant, testing out how Mike feels about their relationship.

“Where is who?” 

"Levi."

“I don’t know where Levi is…” 

But Erwin knows exactly Levi is. He’s in the shower, cleaning himself of last night’s sex.

“Don’t play dumb,” Mike says in a firm warning, seeing straight through Erwin's lies. “You know I can smell him on you. There's no reason to deny it, I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Mike is a true and loyal friend, and Erwin never doubted that for a second. However, he knows where Mike’s morals lie, and he knows that Mike would never fully approve this. 

“Thank you, Mike. I appreciate it, and so does Levi.”

“Just… be careful,” Mike says, finally getting down to the main point of their conversation, the point that Erwin was waiting for. “You get distracted when you’re in a relationship.” 

The words take Erwin by surprise. He expected judgement on the fact the Levi is his subordinate, or a judgement of Levi’s character. Erwin did not expect a judgement of his own character, and the way he handles his relationships.

“What’s that supposed to mean, exactly?”

“For a while there, I thought you were going to marry Marie and run off with her to the Military Police.”

Erwin frowns. “But I didn’t.”

“You can’t sit here and tell me that you didn’t think about it though.”

It’s true. He did think about it. Long nights were spent locked away, drinking himself into oblivion, wondering how he could make things work between him and Marie. He came up with a million ways that he could have both the Survey Corps and her, but all of them were never attempted. 

Erwin was only fuelling his own self pity, his own twisted fantasy, and his own selfish illusions. Marie wanted to get married and have kids and live a life. Erwin will never have kids, he will never marry another, and he will never live a proper life. It was unfair to ask Marie to abandon her dream for his.

None of it mattered anyway. Even if Erwin wanted to abandon his own dream, their relationship had perished long before his recruitment into the Survey Corps.

“Just because I thought about it, doesn’t mean I would have done it. Our goal means everything to me, you know that. Marie is happy with Nile now anyway.” 

“But it distracted you for a while there.” Mike gives Erwin a look of pity, knowing how much of a sore spot this is for him. “Look, I’m not saying you can't have sex with Levi. You deserve to have fun and let loose a little... Just be careful, and remember what we’re working towards. Don’t let yourself get blinded by love.”

Mike excuses himself soon after, leaving Erwin to lament about his past and his future. 

_Love._

It’s such a simple word, and yet it does so much damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Find me @spinsy on tumblr.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoroughly NSFW. Spanking is involved.

Levi hates rain.

In his first trip outside of the Underground, encountering rain was a refreshing experience. It was nice to feel something other than dirt falling from the sky. Although it messed up his clothes, wet his hair and cooled his skin, it left him refreshed. And it had such a distinctive smell, something so different from anything in the Underground.

It smelt like freedom.

But in his nightmares, the same rain haunts him, all the damn time. The sky is bright one second, and then darkens the next, blurring his vision and turning everything cold. Freezing. The rain hits the ground beneath him causing mud to form, slushy and thick and inescapable. It soaks his clothes and leaves him dirty, a mess he itches to clean.

And then there’s the blood - _so_ much blood - mixed in with water and mud and titan flesh, along with the occasional decapitated half-eaten body part, scattered amongst the mess. Everything that Levi hates, all in one place, making him so sick he wants to gag.

It paralyses him, unable to move. Unable to do anything but watch the rain fall, heavy or slow, clean or dirty, destructive or peaceful. Levi can’t control it. It’s an act of nature, a freak accident, something that comes even when he doesn’t want it to.

And today, it is raining.

\---

Levi skips morning training, and doesn’t tell Erwin. He knows he’s going to get into trouble, that people are going to give him shit for it, but he doesn’t care. The second he woke up and saw rain outside the window of his dorm, he couldn’t move his limbs. He was paralysed.

He’s at a standstill while everything and everyone floats past him, never stopping to pick him up and carry him away with the flow. Levi is not in the same channel as everyone else today. He is a separate entity, breathing like everyone else, but barely living like them.

And this is how Erwin finds him, wrapped in his sheets and staring at the rain as it falls, rolling down the window and dripping off the window pane. 

Levi doesn’t expect Erwin to understand, or to even care. 

“Are you feeling sick?” Erwin asks.

“No,” Levi replies, head feeling heavy as he speaks. He looks towards Erwin and sees a worried expression. Erwin has never had to deal with him like this, not since the day that tainted rain for him in the first place. 

“Why did you skip morning training?”

“I don’t like the rain.”

Erwin sits silently on the edge of Levi’s bed, hand carefully rubbing down his back. Levi knows that Erwin wants to say or do something to comfort him and help him. But even Levi doesn’t know what he needs at this point, so Erwin no chance of figuring it out.

Everything feels so surreal, without Isabel and Farlan. It’s like he’s been living in a fog, pretending that they were just having a vacation, and they would come back to him someday. But the rain has cleared the fog, and now Levi remembers. Isabel and Farlan are gone for good, never to come back. 

What Levi really needs, is his friends back.

“I’ll give you the day off and tell everyone you have a cold,” Erwin mutters, pressing a light kiss to Levi’s forehead. Levi feels selfish, taking kindness from Erwin when he can’t give anything back. “But I think you should come to my room later.”

Levi doesn’t know if he has the strength to leave his bed, so he asks, “Is that an order?” It’s the only way he could justify doing it.

Erwin pauses, thinking about the question. Levi knows what answer he wants. He wants the answer that will give him structure, give him guidance, give him a _purpose_. He wants Erwin to take control, and to give him something that will feel so, _so_ good.

And take control he does.

“Yes, it’s an order,” Erwin says, fingers curling into Levi’s hair, bending back his head to force him into eye contact. “I’m going to give you whatever you need, Levi. I’ll bend you over my knee, and I’ll spank you hard. I’ll make you feel the pain, nice and good, until your tight ass can’t take it anymore. You’ll be begging for release, Levi, and I’ll give it to you. I’ll give it all to you, everything you need.”

“Yes,” Levi gasps, the only thing he can say to a picture so beautiful. “Yes, yes, _yes._ ”

Erwin stands. “Come to my room when everybody is at dinner. I’ll bring a tray up for you.”

“Yes sir.”

“Good boy.”

Levi shivers, a sense of feeling finally returning to his limbs, making him feel alive for the first time that day.

\---

“You’re going to eat first,” Erwin orders, placing a tray of food in Levi’s lap, where he sits on Erwin’s bed.

Levi tentatively picks up the bread first, the only thing on the tray that looks like something he could stomach. He takes a small bite to try it out, and Erwin smiles back in encouragement.

“Good,” Erwin tells him, stroking his back, knowing how hard this must be for him. 

After that first bite, things start to get better, and he’s quickly devouring everything on the tray, hunger taking over his body. The rain had distracted him from the pains in his stomach that had plagued him all day. Levi hates rain, but he also hates feeling hungry, and he doesn't like not having access to food.

“Good boy,” Erwin coos when Levi finishes the last of his meal. “I’m proud of you.”

Those four words make Levi lean into Erwin’s body, silently begging for everything that Erwin promised him. He feels a warmth in the pit of his stomach, so happy that he’s made Erwin proud. It’s a quick hug, as Erwin’s demeanour grows darker.

“Strip, darling,” Erwin orders. “I want to see that beautiful ass of yours, bent over my knee.”

Levi rids himself of his clothes as quickly as he can, ditching them to the floor, not even thinking about the mess he’s making. Erwin pats at his knee, and Levi lays down, purposely arching his back so his ass is high in the air for Erwin to take.

“What’s the safeword, Levi?”

“Red… and yellow.”

“Good,” Erwin murmurs, kneading the flesh of Levi’s ass between his fingers. “I want you to use them if you feel bad, okay? Promise me, please. No lying.”

“Yes, I promise, sir.”

Erwin is kissing his back now, with a few bites mixed in, from his neck to his tailbone. He doesn’t stop his ministrations on Levi’s ass, still warming up the skin beneath him. Levi wiggles, his erection rubbing against the fabric of Erwin’s pants, desperate for more attention.

“Shh,” Erwin hushes, a nip to his neck. “You’re too impatient, my darling.”

“I need it,” Levi gasps, his speech muddled and clouded by a haze of lust. “I need it so bad, please Erwin- Sir, I need you to spank me, _please._ ”

“Well when you say it like that…” Erwin drawls, his hand moving back to deliver his first blow, spanking Levi square in the middle of his left ass cheek. The sound bounces off the walls of the room, shocking Levi more than the mild pain does. He jerks and squirms, the only thing he can do under Erwin’s hold.

Five more come at the same strength, switching between each of Levi’s ass cheeks, one by one, warming them up and painting them light pink. 

But it’s still not enough for Levi, who wants to feel the kind of pain that will make him break. “More, sir.”

Erwin’s hand starts to speed up, still at fairly mild strength, but quicker than before. Clearly he’s still warming Levi up, making him even more desperate as he continues to beg.

“ _Please,_ sir.”

“You can use that dirty mouth of yours all you want, Levi, but I’m the one in control here,” Erwin says, bending down to bite Levi’s ear. “What I say goes.”

Levi’s cheeks darken, ashamed that he’s spoken out of turn. “I’m sorry, sir.” He hates that he's disappointed Erwin 

“Shhhh, my darling,” Erwin coos, calming Levi's anxieties almost instantly. “I’m not saying you can’t beg. I love your noises. I'll take care of you.”

Levi nods in response and Erwin starts spanking again, finally increasing his strength.

“I trust you,” Levi gasps, throwing his head back. The confession earns him a few particularly hard spanks, which make him buck forward into Erwin’s knee. “Oh shit, feels good.”

“You’re going to count to twenty for me now, okay?” Erwin growls. “Count them as we go.”

Levi grits his teeth and nods. It's going to be difficult for him to keep track and count. It always is. But he'll do anything to please Erwin, and to get the spanking he deserves. 

The first spank flies from Erwin's hand, his hardest one yet. It makes Levi whine while he starts to count them out. “One... Two… Three… F-Four." His voice increasingly wavers as the blows get harder and harder, and as he sinks down into the foggy state of submission. “Five… S-Six… Sev… _Seven._ ”

He gets stuck on the number eight, unable to let it fall from his lips, his mind racing to keep up with all that his body feels, being owned and possessed by Erwin. 

“Eight, Levi. Say it out loud for me.” Erwin prompts with another spank.

“Eight!” Levi shouts back, continuing to count, trying his hardest to stay on track, to stay in the moment. “Twenty,” he finally calls out, and Erwin stops spanking to knead the flesh of his ass between his hands again. There’s a slight sting starting to form on the surface of skin, and Levi clings to it like a safety rope. 

“I didn’t like how you counted that time,” Erwin says, a dark edge to his voice that Levi savours and worships. His Erwin sounds so beautiful when he's in control. “I think you need thirty this time.”

“Yes,” Levi hisses, now rocking against Erwin’s knee in earnest. He’s really desperate for it, small words of begging falling from his lips. He's so close to release, just hanging off the edge of letting go. 

Erwin continues his spanks, and Levi does his best to keep up with counting, but he naturally falters, unable to stop himself from succumbing to the pleasure. He loves the pain, the way it stings his skin, the way it aches afterwards, the way it sounds so brutal, and the way it distracts him from everything troubling him.

The rain is no longer an issue here, in the little bubble Erwin has created for him. And it’s that thought that causes Levi’s first sob. A small cry, but a big release, letting all the emotion he holds inside flow into Erwin's care.

With Erwin, the rain can't harm him anymore. 

“That’s it Levi,” Erwin says with one last spank. “Let those tears fall.”

And Levi does, sobbing in earnest now, unable to censor himself from the cries that rip from his chest. Somewhere, somehow, Erwin scoops him upright, cradling him against his chest, hands running through his hair and down his back, giving him all the attention and care he needs. 

“Good boy,” Erwin praises. “This is what you need. Let it out.”

Tears continue to stain Erwin’s shirt, wet and messy, just like the rain that Levi hates so much. But it doesn't matter, with Erwin, who takes his tears as something special, something that Levi shouldn't be ashamed of.

Levi eventually calms, coming back into the body of his more ration, less depressed self. He feels lighter now, and much more alive, after the emotional release that he so desperately needed. 

“Thank you,” Levi whispers into Erwin’s neck. “You gave me exactly what I needed.”

“No problem,” Erwin says, laying Levi down, pressing him into the bed. “I think there’s one more thing that you need though. A reward for being so good for me.” 

Erwin grabs Levi’s now half hard erection in his hand, stroking it softly. He bends down, taking the length in his mouth, sucking on it softly at first, taking his time to get Levi back into the moment. When Levi starts to moan and whimper again, Erwin starts to bob his head up and down quickly, looking at Levi through his strong, piercing eyes. 

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi mutters, the tears that stained his face long forgotten for this new sense of pleasure, igniting his body and setting him on fire. He arches into Erwin, trying to chase whatever warmth he can. “Feels good, feels so good.”

Levi comes quickly, a litany of curses filling the room. When Erwin pulls back, there’s a drip of saliva and come trailing down his chin. Levi takes control for a tiny second, licking Erwin’s chin and pulling him into a kiss, deep and strong. Erwin seems to respond, taking back his control by pulling at Levi's hair and biting on his bottom lip. Levi moans and relents, happy to let Erwin win. 

“I’m sorry I can’t look after you like this all the time,” Erwin says when they part. There’s a sadness and defeat in his voice, and Levi wants to fight it all away. “I’m sorry this world is so cruel to you."

“That’s not your fault dumbass,” Levi says, affectionately cupping Erwin’s cheek, stroking his skin with his thumb. Levi isn't, and will never be, the most articulate lover. He will never be able to express gratitude the same way Erwin does. But he tries, hoping that his small gestures of affection don't go unnoticed. "I feel a lot better now. Thank you."

"Anything for you," Erwin replies, a brief smile lingering on his lips. “I have some lotion for your ass, if you want it.”

“An ass massage? Yes fucking please.”

He lays down and takes Erwin’s aftercare gratefully, kissing him whenever he can. Levi never really knows what goes on in Erwin’s mind, so closed off and calculated, like he’s in his own little world, far separate from the everybody else. Levi can never quite tell _why_ he does certain things. He wants to defeat the titans, of course, but everything else about Erwin still seems to be a mystery, waiting for Levi to unravel it.

And he wonders-

“What do you get out of this?”

Erwin stops his ministrations. “What do you mean?”

“Well…” Levi starts, trying to gather his thoughts. “I guess I’m asking what you get out of spanking me, since I never actually touched you.”

“I get you, and your beautiful body, for one,” Erwin explains, starting his massage again. “I guess I thrive on the feeling of power, of holding everything in my hands. It makes me feel a rush. A high."

Levi hums, letting the information sink in. “I never considered any of that.” 

Erwin wipes his hands and lays down next to Levi. “A Dominant is only as good as their submissive, after all. And you, Levi, are a beautiful submissive.”

It’s so sincere, so sweet, Levi wonders how the man that was spanking him just a moment ago could be the same person that is giving him so much care right now. It’s perfect, really, that Erwin can have such a duality to his personality, one that makes him so utterly irresistible, from Levi’s point of view.

“You’re still fully clothed, by the way.” Levi points out, trying to divert attention away from himself and back onto Erwin. It's a real shame his partner still hasn't come yet, and he wants to rectify that immediately.

“And what might you be implying?”

“I think you know exactly what I’m implying,” Levi says, reaching for the zipper of Erwin’s pants. 

Levi still hates the rain, but Erwin seems to make it bearable, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid to leave a comment, and find me @spinsy on tumblr.


	11. Chapter 11

Hanji is an odd force in Levi's life, swooping in like a hurricane, messing with Levi's self-enforced loneliness. 

Hanji has been pushing for Levi's friendship for a while now, even before his thing with Erwin started. Hanji was always trying sit with him during meals, always trying to force a conversation between them… Like Hanji knew that Levi wanted - _needed_ \- human contact, but was simply too afraid of what might happen if he committed to a friendship. And Hanji was very good at wearing Levi down, annoying him until he broke and gave in. 

But Hanji’s most off putting element happens to be one of their biggest strengths. Hanji has the same energetic charm and optimism that Isabel had, and lightheartedness like that has a big positive impact on Levi's life. He smiles around Hanji, just like he used to smile around Isabel. Levi finds her name catching on his lips several times, before he steadies himself and remembers that Hanji is not Isabel, and never will be.

He can’t allow himself to think like that, to stay away from _everyone_ out of fear they they'll die. If Erwin can have friends and still stay detached, then Levi can too. 

So he lets Hanji in; slowly, and not all at once. They hang out in the lab, mostly, talking about mundane things. Sometimes, they latch onto more sensitive issues.

"I miss my ex-boyfriend," Hanji says one day, as they’re rearranging their books onto a bookshelf. 

"I feel like this is a conversation I don't want to have," Levi mutters. Hanji has a tendency for oversharing, but he really doesn't want to hear about how lovesick they are. 

"Awww, what? You don't like romance?" Hanji teases with a pout. "Surely you must have had a lover at some point in time, Mr Grumpy."

"A lover, sure. But not a boyfriend." Levi says, trying to keep his expression as neutral as possible. Thoughts of Erwin slip into his mind, and he fights desperately to keep them away. 

"I get that. Relationships are stupid."

"You _just_ said you missed your ex-boyfriend."

"Of course I miss him, but that doesn't mean I don't think the whole thing was stupid." Hanji explains with a huff. "I mean, he broke up with me because I joined the Corps. What a stupid fucking excuse."

"That does sound stupid."

"Feel lucky that you're not interested in romance, Levi."

"Yeah, I know," Levi replies, only half a lie. Romance is very messy, especially in the Corps, but his thing with Erwin is far too complicated to be just sex. "We'll all just end up as titan food anyway."

"True," Hanji says, nodding along. Suddenly, out of the blue, they spring to life, clearly stuck by a new idea. " _What if_ I let a titan swallow me whole, and then got somebody else to cut me out of its stomach?! I could see the titan's digestive system from the inside! I could compare it to a human's... I could figure out how they throw the bodies back up!!"

Levi rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"Will you cut me out of a titan stomach? Please Levi, pretty, pretty please?" 

"Hello no."

\---

Levi slips into Erwin’s office, back against the door, locking it behind him. Erwin is at his desk, pen scratching away at paperwork. He looks stressed, and slightly agitated.

“Hi,” Levi says, softly making his way over to Erwin. “What are you doing?”

“Paperwork,” Erwin grunts, eyes never leaving the pages in front of him. “Amongst other things.”

Levi hums, leaning over Erwin’s desk, surveying the papers in front of him. It's mostly mundane paperwork, but amongst it are strategies and supply orders for the next expedition. Levi has tried his hardest to block the thought of the expedition from his mind, but there's no use denying what is bound to happen. 

And Erwin, it seems, can't possibly forget about the expedition, especially when he's trying his hardest to make it run as smoothly as possible. Levi admires his dedication, even if he is an overworking asshole. 

“You don’t have any time to humour me, do you?” Levi asks, an edge to his voice that will clue Erwin in to his intentions.

Erwin looks at Levi for the first time since he walked in. “I’m sorry,” he says apologetically. “I have too much work I have to get done by tomorrow.”

“It’s cool,” Levi says, and Erwin goes back to his work.

Levi should probably turn around, go back to what he was doing before - which was effectively staring at the bunk above him, doing nothing - and leave Erwin alone. He has to focus before the expedition. They both have to start focusing on what’s important.

But Levi is lost, confused, and slightly bored. All he really wants is companionship.

“Do you mind if I stay here for a while?” Levi asks. “I don’t really have anything else to do…”

Erwin stops working this time, hands clasped under his chin, reading Levi’s expression. Levi always feels uncomfortable when Erwin tries to analyse him, because he prides himself on being a closed book. Expressionless and stoic, even when his emotions are driving him crazy. But with Erwin, he is anything but closed off. 

“I mean if it’s going to distract you, that’s fine-”

“Come here,” Erwin demands, hand patting his knees.

“What?” Levi asks, dumbfounded. He doesn't quite understand what Erwin is trying to suggest-

“I _said,_ ” Erwin’s voice is low, and predatory. “Come here, Levi.”

Levi scrambles at that, walking around Erwin’s desk to join him behind it. Erwin pats at his knee again, but Levi hesitates, unsure. He still doesn't understand. Does Erwin want a blowjob or something?

“Sit,” Erwin orders, patting at his lap again. 

Levi frowns, but moves to sit sideways on Erwin’s lap, awkwardly wedged in between Erwin and his desk. _This is so fucking weird,_ Levi thinks. _Why am I doing this?_

“Straddle me,” Erwin murmurs into Levi’s ear, the faint brush of a thumb down his neck. Levi moves his leg around to Erwin’s other side, sliding up against him. Levi squishes into Erwin’s chest, arms instinctively wrapping around his chest.

And _oh,_ Levi suddenly understands why Erwin asked him to do this. He feels warm and fuzzy, safe and secure. He knows that Erwin has him in his arms, unburdened by carrying the weight of his existence on his own, so he can just _be_. Nothing more. Levi sinks down into submission easily, allowing Erwin to have him completely. 

“Did you lock the door?”

Levi nods against Erwin’s neck, and Erwin cards a hand through his hair in praise.

“Try to relax. Focus on me and how I feel. Don’t let your mind wander too much.”

Levi takes Erwin’s orders to heart, trying his best to stay in the moment with Erwin; cramped against his chest, breathing into his neck, arms linked behind his back, comfortable and warm. Every now and then, Erwin’s hand pats his back or runs through his hair, making him shiver just slightly, yearning for more of that contact. It's embarrassing how worked up he can get over something so simple, but it’s not surprising, considering how easily Erwin can tease him. 

Underneath, Levi he can feel Erwin’s erection, thick through his pants. He tries not to think about how much he must be burdening Erwin, with all the work he has to complete. Erwin has no time to play games like this, and it’s selfish of Levi to ask him to.

But he tries not to think about it. 

“How do you feel?” Erwin asks, pulling Levi back to reality. It only feels like he’s been sitting on Erwin’s lap for a small moment in time, but Levi looks to the clock in Erwin’s office and finds that two hours have passed.

“I feel calm,” Levi murmurs, moving from Erwin’s neck to look him in eye. He can see Erwin’s eyes lidded over, clearly wanting the same thing he does. “But I don't want to burden you."

“Shhh,” Erwin’s voice soothes his worries. “You're not a burden. Never a burden."

They start kissing as Levi’s hands start roaming, pulling out Erwin’s shirt from his pants and sliding his hands underneath it, feeling the muscle that he was leant up against, feeling the power underneath his hands. Pretty soon, Erwin starts to get aggressive, nipping and biting and sucking at Levi’s mouth, while his hands touch and squeeze and grab at Levi through his military uniform. His clothes feel so tight now, and he strains in order to feel some sort of friction.

“How would you like to fuck my boot?” Erwin whispers into Levi’s mouth, licking at his lips.

Levi’s jaw drops as he tries to process the thought. He’s never heard of something so unsanitary - so _dirty_ \- in his life. But he’s there, _so there_ , already obsessed with the idea of rutting against Erwin, who stands powerful and strong above him.

"Yes," Levi murmurs, " _Please,_ yes."

"Kneel," Erwin orders. Levi sinks to the floor as Erwin braces himself against a wall, controlling Levi with calculated stares and lust filled words. Levi breaks, curling into Erwin's body, and bending to his will.

That night, Levi dreams of shiny leather pressed up against his skin. He writhes as he sleeps, desperately searching for more of that rough friction, rubbing and burning at his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr. Feedback is highly appreciated.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for this chapter, it is likely a mess. I've been editing and rewriting for three days straight now, and I'm still unhappy with it. But, the show must go on.

“Are you afraid?” Erwin asks Levi the day before the expedition. They’re watching as the cadets run drills in the yard - nothing too hard - just simple stuff to keep up their fitness and get in some last minute skills practice. It doesn't stop Levi from wishing that he was out there with them, instead of here with Erwin, cornered into answering such a loaded question. 

There are many things that Levi’s afraid of; nightmares, starvation, sleeping in dark alleyways, knives against his neck, messes that he can’t clean off his hands, and, of course, death. But not his own death, because _that_ would be a release.

“No,” Levi eventually says. “The titans don’t scare me.”

“They scare me,” Erwin admits, looking down at Levi, weakness hidden amongst the steel blue of his eyes. “Ever since I saw my first titan twelve years ago, I’ve been afraid.”

“You’ve been in the Survey Corps for that long?” Levi finds it hard to believe that anybody could survive here for that long. 

Then again, Erwin's combat skills are beyond average. His sheer muscle and strength is rivaled only by Mike, and sometimes Levi himself. It isn't a natural ability; it's been learned, and practiced, through sheer determination and will. Erwin could easily become stronger than Levi and Mike if he put all his effort into training, but that isn't Erwin's best asset as a soldier. His intelligence is what has gotten him this far. 

“Yes. I know it might be hard to believe now, when we’re going out for five expeditions a year, but we only ever used to do one or two a year. Far less people died during those times.”

Levi frowns, having heard nothing about this different way of operating. “What changed?”

“Shadis,” Erwin says, with clear admiration. “He pushed for more expeditions, under my guidance. Most of the nobles don’t really care what we do, as long as we find our own funding and we don’t damage the walls.”

Levi digs the toe of his boot into the dirt, kicking up a tuft of grass, imagining that the fat faces of nobles are amongst the grime. He isn't surprised that the nobles would be so damn egotistical and selfish. 

“So where did you get all the extra funding from?" Levi asks. 

“I’m very good at persuading people,” Erwin says, with a smirk that would rival the cunning of the most devious of villains. “Why did you think I was able to get into the Underground when I captured you?”

All Levi knew at the time was that somebody from the Survey Corps would attempt to capture him. He never questioned how or why they would be allowed to do so, even though such a practice wasn't common. He didn't think of anything beyond his own self-preservation and pride.

“I don’t know. A favour to the Military Police?”

“Sort of. A few of us go down to the Underground and clean up messes when the nobles need us to. We go unofficially, of course, get the job done quick, and then leave like nothing happened.” 

Erwin's explanation makes Levi's heart plummet to the floor. He knows what a mess means; money, drugs, prostitution or death. There were many bounty hunters in the Underground who would affiliate with no one, and could be hired for anything. They were the worst of the worst - the darkest souls in the darkest pit of hell - and Levi went to great lengths to never associate with them. 

Levi hates that Erwin - _his_ Erwin - could be that evil. But he's not surprised; not in the slightest. After all, Levi is no pure soul either. 

As if Erwin senses Levi's discomfort, he backtracks with a diplomatic smile. 

“That’s just one of the odd jobs we do around here to get money. Next month, during crop season, we’ll go out into the fields and help the nobles harvest.”

Levi lets the idea of dirt under his fingernails relieve him of the burdens of the Underground. He really doesn’t want to go gardening. Of all things, it's the worst aspect of living above ground. Nature is beautiful, but also really fucking dirty. 

“That’s going to be fun,” Levi sighs. “I might just let a titan eat me tomorrow. It will save me the hardship.”

Erwin smiles thinly, unmoving, the joke clearly hitting a nerve with him. Levi knew it was a dark - _stupid_ \- joke to make, and yet he made it anyway. To save Erwin from further heartache due to his insensitive jokes, he decides to keep his mouth shut for a while, humming along to Erwin's periodic observations about the cadets. 

As training winds down, Levi makes a move to leave, but Erwin stops him with a hand to his shoulder. 

“Be careful tomorrow, Levi.”

Levi shivers when Erwin says his name, as he always does. There’s always some sort of hidden meaning in the delivery of Erwin’s words, waiting for the receiver to decode. When Erwin says his name, there’s more to it than just a name; there’s an emotion, deep down, hidden far enough so other people can’t hear it, but always there for Levi to grasp onto.

“Look, Erwin,” Levi says, nervously kicking more dirt underneath his boots. “Don’t worry about me. You do your thing - I’ll do my thing - and we’ll come back fine. Pretend I’m just another soldier.” _Or another pawn on your chess board for you to sacrifice._

“You have no idea how hard that will be.”

When they first started fucking, Levi never thought he'd be considered as anything other than an ordinary soldier. And yet here Erwin stands, telling him otherwise. This thing between them has escalated so quickly - so deeply - that it's finally interfered with their jobs.

And in the Survey Corps, crossing the boundaries between personal and professional can only end in blood. 

Levi’s lip quivers, ready to turn into a sob, but he holds his own, unable and unallowed to show such emotion here. He can't be a distraction. He can't be the one thing that keeps Erwin from his goals and dreams. He can't let his selfish desires get in the way of humanity's freedom. 

So why has he let himself become exactly that? 

\---

For the first time, Levi spends the entire night in Erwin’s bed. He'd expected another solemn midnight walk back to his bedroom, but apparently Erwin has other plans.

The sex isn’t rough, mostly to avoid discomfort or injury for tomorrow - even though Levi would love to have Erwin pinning him down, pounding into him, pain and pleasure sparking his nerves at the same time - he knows it would be hell to ride a horse like that.

In some ways, their jobs still come first.

Instead, they have sex by grinding down on each other, rutting frantically as they kiss softly, desperately, trying to feel as much of each other as they can. At one point - Levi’s favourite moment - he’s propped up by Erwin, back leaning flush against his chest. Erwin’s cock is pressed into the cheeks of his ass, grinding against them, while Levi’s cock is held by Erwin in a tight fist. 

Erwin is only rocking slowly, touching slowly, and every time Levi feels close to the edge, Erwin brings him back down, unable to find release. It drives Levi mad, the begging falling from his lips naturally.

“Please, I can’t take it sir, I can’t - _please,_ ” Levi stutters, throwing his head back, curling it over Erwin’s shoulder, as far as he can stretch. Erwin takes the moment to lean over and nip Levi’s neck in harsh bites. Levi shudders and shakes in Erwin’s grip, honestly overwhelmed. 

“Shh,” Erwin hushes, soft on Levi’s lips. “You have such a dirty, loud mouth. I think I need to gag it so nobody hears.”

Levi’s mouth waters as Erwin takes the tie he’s draped around his neck and straightens it out for Levi to see. 

“Open your mouth.”

Levi does so, obediently, and Erwin praises him as he wraps the cloth around his head, fabric cutting into his mouth. “Good - you’re so good, Levi. Relax, you can take it. Take it for me."

Levi doesn’t think he can take it much longer, but he trusts Erwin enough to let him control his pleasure anyway. Trust is hard earned when it comes to Levi, but with Erwin, giving it is easy. Levi knows that Erwin has his best interests at heart, and even if he doesn't, he'll always have humanity's best interests at heart instead. In the end, freeing themselves from this hellish cage is what truly matters. 

After Levi spends what feels like forever in a haze of _Erwin, Erwin, Erwin,_ he comes in waves of delight into Erwin’s hand. As Levi shudders through his release, he can feel Erwin's hard cock underneath him, hard and hot and wanting. 

“How do you want me?” Levi asks when catches his breath. He looks utterly debauched in Erwin’s lap, his skin a mixture red hot warmth, come and sweat. His hair sticks to his forehead, damp and limp, and Levi knows it will probably look ridiculous tomorrow, but he doesn’t care. Nobody will be looking at his hair anyway.

Erwin’s thumb traces Levi’s lips, pressing down at his bottom one. Levi’s jaw drops instinctively, sucking the thumb into his mouth. Levi knows exactly what Erwin wants, but he wants to hear to from Erwin’s mouth, sultry and dark. He sucks on Erwin's thumb like he would his cock, lewd noises and all, putting on a show. 

“I want your mouth, Levi,” Erwin growls, free hand yanking at Levi’s hair. “I don't need to ask you though; you're clearly begging for it."

Levi instinctively sinks down into the bed, head leaning against Erwin's thigh, soft kisses warming where he had sat and writhed through his orgasm. Erwin's thighs are strong and thick and delicious, and if Levi had time, he would suck and lick at the muscle and power underneath him. These thighs would be glorious wrapped around his head, choking him just slightly. 

Erwin eventually guides his head, the slightest edge of roughness in his grip. Levi takes him into his mouth, and Erwin gasps loudly into the air. Levi has learnt how to please Erwin in the best ways; glancing up at him through wet eyelashes, sucking softly at the head of his cock, letting his tongue feel the underside of his length as it slides in and out of his mouth. 

But this time, Levi sucks with all he’s got, taking Erwin in until he feels his throat tighten, fast and quick with no finesse. It's not pretty, but that's not what either of them need now. What they need is to feel something real, and something raw. 

Levi turns Erwin into a mess underneath him. He’s no longer pretending to be strong, or anything more than what he feels. Erwin lets his mouth run wild, a litany of dirty talk falling from his lips as he grasps at Levi’s hair harshly.

“ _Good_ Levi,” Erwin growls, softly, but unashamed. “Don’t stop… Ahh, you’re so good, so good for me.”

Erwin doesn't stand a chance of holding on, falling with a cry as his hips buck wildly into Levi’s willing and hungry mouth. When the last spasms of his orgasm pass, Erwin drops to Levi’s level and takes his jaw in his hands, bringing him into a possessive kiss. Erwin loves to taste himself in Levi’s mouth, knowing that he’s staked his claim. 

But Levi can _feel_ Erwin breaking under the pressure. His touches, his words, his actions; everything about Erwin right now is desperate. It’s unspoken, but it’s clear that Erwin wants to feel some sort of comfort. And Levi would let him believe - if only for a small moment in time - that they could only live in the peaceful world of this bedroom. If he could could give Erwin that reality, he would. In a heartbeat. 

“You were amazing,” Erwin murmurs to Levi, calming down, stroking the skin of his cheek. Levi watches as Erwin struggles with his words, a rare sight. He always knows what to say, but right now, it looks like he’s utterly speechless.

“It’s okay,” Levi says, arms wrapping around Erwin’s neck, pulling him into a hug. “I know.”

But Levi doesn't know. Not really. 

“We could die tomorrow,” Erwin mutters, a departure from script.

Levi studies the lines of Erwin's face; depressed, down turned and tired. Erwin isn't usually one to feed into fear or worst case scenarios, always keeping a sliver of optimism in sight. But now, he's reluctant and vulnerable in a way that Levi has never seen before. 

It's scary when a man so strong in every single way starts to break under the pressure. 

“Don’t talk like that,” Levi scowls, fingers gripping at the skin of Erwin’s broad back. Levi wants to give Erwin love and affection like he’s never given anyone before, but there’s no time for any of that.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin murmurs. He’s trying to detach himself from his emotions now, to put on the mask that he has on around everyone else. “That was insensitive of me to say.”

They lay together for a while, skin to skin, breathing in sync, not willing to do anything but _be._ When Levi eventually decides to part from Erwin - without any words, without goodbyes, and without anything that would make tomorrow real - Erwin stops him. 

“No,” Erwin mutters, capturing Levi’s hand. “Stay with me.”

“What’s going to happen in the morning, when people see me leave your room?” Levi asks, a tired tilt to his voice. It’s late, and the further the night goes on, the more likely Levi will give in to Erwin’s ideas. 

“I’ll say we were having an early morning meeting,” Erwin says, rubbing the skin of Levi’s hand against his own, coaxing him in, little by little

“Okay, fine,” Levi relents, letting Erwin guide him back to his arms.

They don’t fall asleep for a while, but they don’t talk either. They both know they’re thinking the same awful things anyway.

“You’ll never be a nameless face to me,” Erwin whispers, soft and raw, unlike Levi has ever heard. Erwin must think he’s asleep, so Levi plays the part, silently pretending that this isn't happening; that they aren't falling in love, selfishly giving their lives to each other instead of giving their lives to humanity. 

They're so fucking foolish for playing this game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back

“For the glory of humanity!” Shadis shouts, his booming voice commanding a sea of retaliating shouts and cheers from soldiers and civilians alike. 

“For the glory of my fucking short lived life,” Levi mutters under his breath, before looking over to Erwin, who stands up in his stirrups, fist raised proudly into the air. The man is so over the top, but Levi admires him all the same. Sometimes, to live the life of a Survey Corps soldier, you have to act over the top in order to smother your wounds.

With a whining groan, the gate to Shiganshina opens, raising chunks of dirt stuck the bottom its giant spikes. The soldiers charge forward, and Levi follows Erwin’s lead, riding behind him like the rest of his squad.

As they ride past Wall Maria, Levi looks up at the interior of brick, always amazed to see how hollow it is. If he squints, he can even see glowing embers embedded in the brick, a weird occurrence for a wall that’s supposed to be impenetrable. He wonders if Hanji has ever noticed this, and makes a mental note to tell them later. 

Once outside the wall, Levi can basically smell freedom, fresh and open air hitting his face with sense of purpose and clarity. 

This is beauty. This is what they're fighting for. Blue skies with puffy white clouds, endless plains of bright green grass, distant rocky mountains, all waiting to be explored, just a short ride outside the walls. 

But as the first titan of the day comes into Levi’s view, he remembers that nothing in this life is simple

\---

They stop when they reach the first checkpoint, a small clearing that the Survey Corps has created to store emergency supplies, high top cover, food and water. There haven’t been many titan spottings, and none that they’ve had to engage with so far. Levi would say it’s a blessing, but they all know what it really means. Something else - whatever that might be - is distracting the titans. Before they know it, titans will be charging in hordes, hungry to tear them apart.

“Did you get a drink?” Erwin asks, head nodding towards the watering well. 

“Not yet,” Levi replies. He can’t stomach anything at the moment.

“Relax,” Erwin says. “We’re halfway there.”

“One quarter of the way there,” Levi corrects. “We still have the return journey, remember?”

Erwin laughs thinly. “You’re completely right. Maybe we should move you to the strategy team.”

Levi snorts. Erwin flatters him way too much, and it's way too obvious. “I don’t think basic maths equates to strategy, but thanks.”

They saddle back up shortly after that. Levi leaves the base feeling more at ease, although the churning in his stomach never stops. It never will, out here.

\---

Erwin can only watch as titans race over the horizon, just to their left, long before the red markers are launched into the air in warning.

“Fuck,” Erwin mutters, loading his own cannon and shooting back. Looking back at his squad briefly, he signals to the right, praying that there aren’t many titans there. 

“Sir!” Levi shouts, his dark brown horse racing fast to keep up with Erwin's. “The bottom left flank…”

Erwin looks over his shoulder, fingers clasping at his reins tightly, clutching at them to stay upright. He sees black ink course into the air, a sign of pure horror.

Abnormals are taking out the left flank.

“Keep pushing forward,” Erwin growls, increasing the pace of his horse to a maximum. He will have to treat his horse with extra sugar cubes after this is over. 

“But sir! Shouldn’t we help them?” Levi asks, voice frantic. Erwin looks back to find an even more frantic expression, unlike Erwin has ever seen from Levi. “Send me… I can go. I can get it done in a minute.”

“No.” Erwin answers, firm and simple. Levi is too important to the Corps to fling himself into danger, and he's too important to his squad to leave right now. 

“But Sir-”

Erwin's mouth twitches at his insubordination.

“I said _no,_ Corporal Levi. Do I have to put you on suspension?”

“No, sir.” 

Despite relenting to Erwin, there’s still a fire in Levi’s eyes, burning brighter than ever, wanting so badly to do the right thing by his comrades, and to do the right thing by humanity. 

Levi is too willing to let his heart get to his head. While Erwin has slowly learnt to distance himself from his heart, Levi is still learning. Even now, Erwin doubts that Levi will ever fully be able to separate his heart and his mind. Deep down, he is too pure and loyal, despite his thug-like persona.

And Erwin doesn’t want Levi to change. Not ever. His passion and dedication to the cause, despite only being recruited just under a year ago, rivals even Erwin’s. The fire in his eyes is special, and not to be toyed with. 

Meanwhile, Erwin is too busy thinking about Levi to realise what they’ve run into.

\---

Levi howls into the air, causing the birds who are sitting peacefully in nearby trees to dissipate from the action. He thinks he’s called Erwin’s name, possibly, but the words that fall from his mouth don’t catch up with the scene that's unfolding in front of him.

There's an abnormal, large and menacing, it’s arms pressed into ground like a deformed frog, rearing its head towards Erwin, ready to take off his head. Levi watches as Erwin pulls on the reins of his horse, stopping just before he lands right into the titan's mouth, steering away with precision. The rest of the squad reacts, swerving to miss the lightning fast beast. 

But Levi doesn’t breathe easy yet, jumping up on top of his horse before anyone else, hands pressed firmly to the hilt of his swords. All the titan needs to is take a few steps to its left, and Erwin is as good as gone. 

“Retreat, everyone!” Erwin calls out, voice steady and sure even when fighting for his life. The man still hasn’t deployed his 3DMG, because there isn’t anywhere he could sink his hooks into other than the titan’s face. With no trees or high top cover, there’s no point bothering to engage with an abnormal. Erwin's stuck, unable to get around to the titan's back fast enough.

He knows this, and yet he chooses to stay; distracting the titan away from his squad, enough so that they can get away. A self-sacrificial bastard.

From then on, everything seems to pass in slow motion, even though the moment only lasts for about a minute. As the rest of Erwin’s squad flees, Levi rides to the back of the titan, hooks digging into upper back of his flesh. As he soars through the air, he can see the titan’s mouth descend down onto Erwin, ready to tear him to bits.

Levi doesn’t quite know how he gets to the titan’s nape so fast, but he does, and with an anguished cry he starts slicing. Again and again and again, cutting as much flesh as he can. Somewhere, vaguely, he can register the noise of a human. But none of that matters; because killing the titan is his main focus.

Killing the titan that killed Erwin is all that will ever matter to him.

\---

With a firm kick, Levi falls to the ground, landing on the grass with a thud. When his vision comes back into view, it feels like he’s opened his eyes for the first time, with the blinding light of the day causing him to wince and cower.

But Levi knows where he is and what he’s done - and worst of all - he can see the outline of Erwin’s form hovering above him.

“I told you to stop, Levi,” Erwin growls, deep and firm, like a true Commander. He leans down and swipes Levi’s blades from him. “You disobeyed a direct order.”

Levi coughs a few times, rubs his eyes, and then opens them again. This is real; the burning in his lungs hurts him with tangible pain unlike in his nightmares. And Erwin is full of colour, full of depth, and full of life. Everything is real, and Erwin is alive. 

Levi sits up, coughing a few more times. “Are you angry at me?” 

It’s one emotion that Levi has rarely seen from Erwin. Even when they first met, Erwin was only ever stern and cold. He was never angry like fire, and he was never angry at Levi. 

“Of course I’m angry at you,” Erwin says, almost sneering the words. “I told you to stop, and you didn’t. You were out of control, and now we’re ten minutes behind the main group.”

Every inch of Levi’s body burns with regret. He might have saved Erwin's life, but it's come at the cost of Erwin's trust and respect. They told each other that this wasn’t going to happen; that they weren’t going to let their personal life get in the way of their work, but it seems like it already has. This entire situation is a break from military command, military structure, military formality… They’ve both fucked up. 

Levi stands, tall and proud, making sure to let Erwin know that he’s not a plaything to toss around. Part of this may be his fault for breaking command, but Erwin was the one who fell into the titan's path. He deserves half the blame too. 

"That titan got you by surprise.”

"It did," Erwin admits, before whistling to signal their horses. "I was distracted." 

“Most people say thank you when somebody saves their life.”

“I had the situation.”

“Whatever you want to think, _sir,_ ” Levi spits the last word for emphasis. He hoists himself up onto his horse, and pats her with gratitude. 

“We’ll talk about this later, Corporal,” Erwin dismisses, giddying his horse into action. 

Levi does the same, but not before delivering the argument’s last words. “I’m sure we will,” he mutters under his breath. “Everything dies, in the end.”

Levi watches as the last of the titan blood evaporates from his skin and clothes. It's his favourite thing about killing titans; in the end, no effort is required to wash away their blood. Nothing of their death stays with you.

\---

Somehow, through dodging titans and ignoring the bitterness between them, they manage to find the main group, who have stopped for another break. They’re met with whoops and cheers, and several soldiers dry their tired eyes and start smiling.

“Erwin! Levi!!” Hanji yells as they run up, throwing their arms around Levi. “You’re alive!!”

“Yeah, yeah, get off me,” Levi mutters, gently prying Hanji’s limbs away from his body. That doesn’t seem to deter Hanji, who immediately goes to Erwin and throws their arms around him.

Erwin doesn’t shy from the hug, but he’s stiff and uncomfortable. “What happened to the left flank?”

Hanji immediately hardens, stepping away with a cold face. “Almost half of Mike’s Squad are dead… a few from Tress’... I’m lucky to be alive.” Hanji lifts the sleeve of their shirt to show a bite mark. “One of them almost got my arm. But that’s okay. I’ve got an imprint of titan denture right on my arm. Pretty damn cool.”

Levi smiles briefly. Trust Hanji to find the silver lining out of a shit filled cloud.

“Thank you,” Erwin mutters, stepping away. “I have to go talk to Shadis now.”

“He’s not very happy right now, is he?” Hanji murmurs under their breath once Erwin starts to walk away.

Levi can’t bear to watch Erwin as he leaves, his shoulders hunched uncharacteristically. This isn’t easy for the other man, clearly, and Levi hates himself for exacerbating the situation. 

“That would be my fault,” Levi replies bitterly. “I fucked up, and I fucked up badly.”

Hanji takes Levi into his arms, and this time Levi doesn’t try to fight it.

“We all make mistakes, Levi.”

But it hurts so much more when that mistake involves Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting back on track. Find me @spinsy on tumblr


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of the expeditions.

Levi knows that the decision to retreat isn’t an easy one to make, but he also thinks that their huge losses should be a reason to push _forward,_ not backwards. They haven’t made it out to their farthest point yet, and they should make the most of sacrificed lives and push forward. But the Survey Corps can only go so far, and a retreat back to Shiganshina is the only way to avoid more devastation. 

Sometimes Levi wonders if the Corps would fare better without Shadis at the helm, but Levi doesn't ever say that out loud. He can’t predict if Erwin would do a better job, and his bias towards Erwin most likely blinds him from any objectivity. It’s better to just keep quiet, and let fate take its course. 

Their retreat isn't easy, and involves riding through an area of unchartered territory in order to avoid running into the mob of titans that took out the left flank. At one point, they ride over a rough rockbed that they’ve never been seen before. Levi has to contain his amazement at the weird texture of each rock. They’re so round and smooth, but also robust and sharp, as seen by his horse’s discomfort. 

“It’s okay, you’ll be okay,” he whispers, leaning down to pat his horse when nobody is paying attention.

Levi remembers the phantom feeling of similar words being said into his own skin, deep into the night, under shallow lighting and sweat slicked skin. 

“Hey Levi!” Hanji barks, riding up next to him.

“You should be with your own squad,” Levi mutters, looking to see if Erwin is around. He doesn’t want to be reprimanded anymore today, especially for a mistake that isn’t his own.

Instead, Hanji launches straight into a rant. “I forgot to tell you earlier; we encountered an extremely strange abnormal titan during the attack on the left flank. It had a hard grey and brown shell around it, with demon yellow eyes… and it moved like it had intelligence, Levi! It went straight towards the supply carts first, stepping on them to take them out. It killed soldiers by flinging them from their wires, like a yoyo. And then, it _ran_ away. No titan has ever run away from humans before!”

Levi feels acid bubble in his stomach, unable to hear about a demon-eyed titan, unable to process the information being told to him. It’s too similar to _that_ day; the day when Levi lost almost everyone.

“You should go tell Erwin and Shadis, it sounds like important information.” Levi says, suddenly feeling extremely hollow and cold. This is the kind of trigger that could make him black out and lose control. 

“Right! I’ll see you later Levi!!”

Levi lets Hanji go, even though he desperately needs them to stay. He doesn’t want to lose control; not again.

\---

They manage to make it back to Wall Maria, but they don’t end up at Shiganshina. Instead, they end up somewhere between Shiganshina and Quinta, and it’s hard to tell which district they’re closer to. Erwin tries his best to roughly estimate their position, but it’s still a gamble either way.

“Chances are, we’re closer to Shiganshina,” Erwin says, pointing to his estimation of their location. “But we did see some irregular terrain when passing through. It’s possible that the margin for error could put us closer to Quinta.”

“We could send a few soldiers in both directions and have them shoot a canon when they reach either city,” Shadis says.

Erwin’s brows furrow. “That’s quite unsafe. If they run into titans-”

“They can deploy 3DMG and scale the wall.”

Erwin bites his lip. It’s drastic, but effective. The only problem was their gas supply, most of which had been taken out during the attack on the left flank. 

“Do we have enough gas for that?” Erwin asks.

“I’m unsure,” Shadis replies, grimacing. It’s clear he doesn’t want this to happen, just as much as Erwin doesn't, but they’re not left with many choices. “Do you have a better idea?”

Erwin muses, considering his options, although there isn’t much to consider. They have to go somewhere in the end; Shiganshina or Quinta. There’s no point in delaying anything.

“We could choose a city and go for it,” Erwin explains. “Ride as fast as we can and engage with as little titans as possible. If anything goes wrong, we abandon the horses and scale the walls right there. We can go back for them later.”

Shadis hums, considering the possibility. “The nobles won’t like us engaging with the walls on a big scale. The Wall Cult is gaining power every day.”

“I know,” Erwin replies with a nod. The Wall Cult are amongst the Survey Corps’ most formidable enemies. “But in a choice between losing more lives and groveling to the nobles for a while, which would you choose?”

“The lives, of course,” Shadis sighs. Erwin makes a mental note to offer to go with him to Mitras when this is over. Battling with the nobles and the Wall Cult won’t be an easy task, but he owes it to Shadis to help him in whatever way he can. The man is both a father figure and a mentor to Erwin; one of the only people he knows that he can trust in this wretched world. 

“Now we just have to choose an outlier.”

“We’re most likely closer to Shiganshina, but going back in that direction could mean running into the same mob of titans that took out the left flank,” Erwin explains, pointing down the map. “Or we could go to Quinta, which we are mostly unfamiliar with.”

“Quinta aren’t prepared for us.” Shadis shakes his head. “We’d have a lot to answer for. Too much.”

Erwin understands. They can’t look like they’re out of control or struggling. Although this hasn’t been their deadliest mission, their death count is still quite large. They have to keep progressing, to look like they’re doing vital good, in order to survive and keep running. Going to Quinta could set them back several missions. 

“Shiganshina it is,” Erwin declares, rolling up the map.

\---

“The first, third, fourth and fifth squads will be riding near the wall along with the remaining supply carts,” Erwin explains. “We’ll be riding further out, to alert of the main battalion of any incoming titans.”

“So we’re acting as decoys,” one disgruntled soldier says under their breath. 

“Essentially,” Erwin concludes, keeping a passive smile on his face. “But we have direct orders to avoid engaging with the titans. If a single titan comes into view, we can use our discretion. If there’s a horde of titans, we must retreat immediately. We have limited gas left, all of which must used to scale the wall in case of an emergency.”

After almost a year in the Survey Corps, Levi has never heard of a plan like this. They’re always playing offense; attacking the titans as best they can, and finding as much ground outside the walls as they could. But now, it seems like they’re playing defense; running away from the titans like scared children.

Erwin dismisses his soldiers, wishing them luck and a safe journey. As Levi looks around, most of them are grimacing, upset with their position in the plan.

While everyone scrambles to get ready for what will essentially be a race to Shiganshina, Levi remembers Hanji’s words from earlier.

“Erwin.” Levi approaches him with caution, saluting when he turns around. There’s a spark of confusion in Erwin’s eyes, but Levi decides to ignore it. “Have you talked to Hanji?”

Erwin frowns, and it’s obvious he hasn’t. “Is this about the abnormal titan that they saw?”

“Yes,” Levi replies. “We can’t run into it again. We should go to Quinta instead.”

Erwin pauses, thinking it through. In Levi’s eyes, it seems much safer to try and go to Quinta than Shiganshina. Running into the demonic titan could be catastrophic. 

But instead, Erwin shakes his head and growls. “We don’t have time to deal with this, Levi. We have to leave now. The quicker, the better.”

“But Erwin-” Levi starts, but Erwin’s hand cuts him off impolitely.

“No, Levi. The decision has been made.”

Erwin turns and walks away, seeking out his horse. Levi can’t help but think that if this was any other situation, in any other time, Erwin would listen to his concerns and hear him out. But his earlier hiccup and outburst has cost him both Erwin’s respect and trust, leading Erwin to dismiss his concerns outright.

If this goes wrong, it’s all Erwin’s fault; and he knows it. 

_We’re almost there. Just keep pushing forward._

Levi will be the first to admit that he’s terrified of running into the demonic titan. There’s a high likelihood that he’s not going to make it out of this alive, and that’s more than enough to scare even the strongest of people. Levi is weak; effected by so much worthless emotion. This is no different. 

Even as they near the mushrooming village outlier of Shiganshina, he can feel the titan’s presence. It’s a feeling that isn’t attached to his body, but still in his immediate awareness. There's something waiting just behind him, ready to pounce on its prey.

And Levi doesn’t turn around fast enough to react. 

It has skin hardened like diamonds, a cover like a shell, with distinct human facial features. It has a speed quicker than any titan Levi has ever seen before, much faster than Levi himself. It charges at them straight from behind, knocking Levi off his horse, sending him plummeting to the ground. 

He can feel cracks in his ribs and wrist, with several more ribs popping as his horse tramples him above.

Pain. Blinding pain.

And then, Levi can’t seem breathe or move anymore. His muscles are surrendered to uselessness while the world ends around him. All he can do is watch on in horror as the blood of dead soldiers sinks into the ground, and the demonic titan charges far away without ever eating a single human person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr!! Thanks to @sugoilevi for being the beta.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a "Hold Me Down Playlist" in my itunes for a while now... and I finally decided to share it with you guys!! These are the songs I listen to on repeat while writing the fic, and I take heavy inspiration from all these artists. It's on youtube because 8tracks won't let you post a playlist with more than two songs from one artist: <https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC>.
> 
> The specific song for this chapter is [Touch by Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDaZJ-iTfcI&list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC&index=8&spfreload=1)

“Do you feel this?” 

Levi winces as the doctor pinches at his toes, checking to make sure he isn’t paralysed. When he was brought in from the battlefield, the hospital staff thought there could be a problem with his spine. But even managing to get up and walk around hadn’t been enough to reassure them that he was fine. 

So now, Levi is stuck in an uncomfortable neck brace, waiting for the nearest doctor to come and give him the all clear. 

“Yes, I fucking feel it,” he mutters angrily, having no patience for such trivial interaction. He’s only been with this doctor for a few minutes, and he’s already fed up with the treatment he’s receiving.

Levi wishes the Survey Corps’ doctor hadn’t perished during the expedition. Not just because he would be getting better treatment than this, but Norma was a kind lady who didn't make Levi want to tear his hair out. Levi can tell that the doctor in front of him is used to treating flus and colds, not major battlefield injuries. He certainly doesn’t look like a paramedic or a military doctor either, with his weird long hair and awful circle glasses. He looks akin to farmer, if anything. 

The doctor hums as he shuffles some papers, writing notes here and there. He turns back to the first page and pauses, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Your paperwork says you have no last name.”

“Yeah,” Levi mutters. “Don’t have one. So what?”

“Just checking,” the doctor says, flashing a forced smile. This man is too creepy to be real. “We can’t have incomplete records.”

Levi’s last name hadn’t ever been questioned before, aside from when he first joined the Corps. Erwin had asked him, very politely, what his full name was, and Levi simply replied with just ‘Levi’. Erwin hadn’t questioned it any further than that, and neither had anyone else. Although the Survey Corps has always been cautious and untrusting of Levi, for fair reasons, nobody has ever asked for his full name like this

“I don’t know your last name, so I don’t know why I should trust you with anything about mine.”

The doctor sighs. “It’s Jaeger. Grisha Jaeger. Like I said when I entered the room.”

Levi huffs, uncaring for the information.

“Anyway, your spine appears to be fine, so we can take your neck brace off now,” Grisha says, reaching over to undo the plastic trapping Levi’s neck into place. Levi revels in his new found freedom, moving his head from side to side. His neck is sore, probably bruised, but it feels good to be able to _move._ “I’m extremely surprised that you don’t have any nerve damage whatsoever. The way the nurses here described your state, I expected you to be half dead.” 

Apparently, in a story that Levi doesn’t believe, he was brought back to Shiganshina on the brink of death. His body was battered in all directions, and nobody thought he would ever walk again. He was placed in an induced coma for several days, and had only been taken off major sedatives today. Nobody thought he would be sitting up, talking and moving. 

And it’s not as if Levi hasn’t felt any pain over the past week, because he has; every breath is a struggle, and every muscle burns when he moves. But he doesn’t feel like he’s been on the brink of death. He doesn’t feel like he did when he was starving, and legitimately dying. 

Broken bones and painful bruises don’t hurt Levi. Not one tiny bit.

“I still have this wrist and my ribs,” Levi says, lifting his wrapped and bandaged left arm. “So it’s not as if I’m undamaged.”

“Yes,” Grisha hums. “You have four broken ribs, all of which are clean breaks. They should heal within six weeks.”

With that amount of time on the sidelines, there’s a high likelihood he could miss the next expedition. Levi curses, internally seething at the titan that put him in this position. 

“Your broken wrist, however, could take up to twenty four weeks to heal.” Grisha informs. “It’s fractured in a very troublesome area, so it will take longer to heal.”

Levi groans. He can deal with six weeks, but twenty four weeks would put him out for two expeditions. He would become useless. 

“Look, doc, I heal really fast. I never get sick. Is there any way you could talk to my commanding officer, tell him that I’ll be all good in six weeks?”

Grisha shakes his head immediately. “I’m sorry, I can’t lie or forge medical records. If you don’t take the full time allocated to heal, your bones could be prone to re-injury. Not to mention the fact that your bones wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure of the manoeuvre gear.”

Levi groans again. 

“I have some calcium vitamins that should encourage bone growth and reparation, if you would like them.” Grisha says, digging around in his bag. As he digs, various items fall onto Levi’s bed. A stethoscope, a flask, and picture portrait of a family of four.

“Cute kids,” Levi mutters, staring at a young boy with bright green eyes, and a young girl with hair as black as the night. They stand in front of Grisha and a young woman, probably his wife.

“The joy of my life,” Grisha says, suddenly abandoning his search for calcium. “My son, his name is Eren. He’s been bugging me for details ever since I started treating Survey Corps soldiers a week ago.”

“A fan?”

“A big one. I overhear him talking about the valour of the Survey Corps all the time.”

“He shouldn’t,” Levi scoffs. “All this life brings is destruction and despair.”

Grisha ignores the morbid statement, continuing on. “And the girl is adopted. Her name is Mikasa Ackerman.”

Levi can feel the blood rush from his face as his stomach churns and turns to ice. He hasn’t heard that name in such a long time, it's foreign to his ears. Kenny abandoned him so long ago, all he can remember is blood and pain, watching on as his only parental figure walked away from him forever. 

Levi searched for him all throughout the Underground, but Kenny Ackerman wasn’t the kind of man who was easily found. In the end, Levi gave up, because it was starting to cost him too much money. Once he found his feet, he actually found life easier without Kenny, although the loneliness and hurt didn’t ease for a while. 

“Do you know of the Ackermans?” Grisha asks, as if testing the waters, waiting for a more substantial reaction. Levi doesn't know who this man is, or what relation he has to Kenny, but Levi knows he doesn't want anything to do with Kenny or the Ackermans. 

“No,” Levi replies. “I’m really tired. Can I be left alone now?”

Grisha reluctantly removes himself from the room, but not without leaving a bottle of calcium tablets and the photo of his family. Levi considers calling out to him to remove the photo, but it’s not a coincidence that it's been left behind. 

Instead, Levi shreds the photo to pieces, discarding it in the bin beside his bed. He cannot bare to look at the young boy who likely considers him a hero, and he cannot bare to look at another Ackerman.

\---

Levi squirms in his bed, unable to escape as the tension in his hospital room grows extremely uncomfortable. As if simply being in a hospital, practically chained to a bed, isn’t bad enough, there’s an impromptu debrief going on right in front him. Shadis, Erwin and Hanji are all positioned around his bed, glaring daggers at each other.

They offer him their sympathies, but Levi simply grunts. He’s lucky to be injured; six people from Erwin’s squad died in the second ambush. His injuries mean that he’s alive, and not burning on a funeral pyre in the Survey Corps’ courtyard. 

The second they start getting down to business, mentioning the real reason for the gathering, everyone's mood changes dramatically. Hanji becomes angry, Erwin becomes emotionless, and Shadis becomes useless, unable to add much to the conversation. 

Hanji and Erwin are in middle of a spat, arguing about how Erwin should have listened to the concerns Hanji raised during the expedition. It’s surprising that they’ve decided to talk this out in front of Shadis, instead of behind closed doors. But Levi figures that Shadis wants to know, and should know, the full story.

And Levi… doesn’t exactly know who to side with.

“With all due respect, sir, you should have listened to me,” Hanji growls, their gaze focused intensely on Erwin. “If we had gone to Quinta, we could have avoided the attack on your squad.”

“That is a possibility, but not a confirmed conclusion,” Erwin says. “We never saw the Demon Titan ourselves, and we had no idea that it would come back to get us.”

“But that’s exactly what I said!” Hanji exclaims, frustrated. “Or did you really think I would lie about it? I don’t have a hidden agenda here, _Erwin._ ”

“That’s not what I said-”

“Well it damn well sounded like it…”

“I understand you also raised concerns about going to Shiganshina, Corporal Levi?” Shadis interrupts. Suddenly, all eyes are on Levi, waiting for his response.

“Yeah,” Levi mutters, clearing his throat, scratchy from disuse. “Same as Hanji. But Erwin thought my worries were unnecessary, so I obeyed his orders.” Levi doesn’t want to be mistaken as disobedient; it’s the last thing he needs right now.

“Is this true Erwin?” Shadis asks, turning the attention back to Erwin.

“Yes, sir,” Erwin replies. “We know the path to Shiganshina better. We know little about Quinta, and they weren’t expecting us. It would be politically damaging-”

“So this is all about politics?” Hanji snarls. “Not about the lives of your squad?”

“Hanji, I accept that every life lost from my squad is my own fault. I accept that.” Erwin says, voice dark and guarded. It’s clear by the rough edges in the skin around his eyes that the man is hurting. “But there’s no way we could have predicted what was going to happen. We can learn from this, and make sure to include our findings in our future expedition plans. I apologise if I offended you, Corporal Hanji and Corporal Levi, but there’s no guarantee that the outcome would have been any different if we had've gone to Quinta.”

Shadis nods. “I agree, and I will take some of the responsibility myself. Erwin and I made the decision together." He turns to Hanji. "We should have considered your testimony with more weight, especially considering your eye for detail and your knowledge in titan physiology. I apologise.” 

“Apology accepted,” Hanji mumbles, conceding the argument. Even Hanji knows when to pick and choose their battles, although there's still some fire left inside them. “But I think this altercation has shown exactly how important and valuable I am to the Corps. My abilities are being wasted as a second in command. I want to be the next Squad Leader - _and_ \- I want to start official research as soon as possible.”

Hanji’s words receive a small gasp from Shadis, while Levi's jaw drops in surprise. It's a daring move for anyone to make, so boldly and unashamed. Erwin says nothing, staying mostly emotionless, although Levi doesn't miss the small smirk on his lips. 

Erwin wouldn’t smirk unless the situation was going his way.

_They’ve put on a fight in order to gain leverage… They’ve manipulated Shadis right in front of his eyes, and he has no idea._

Levi knew from the very start that Erwin was manipulative, but he never thought that Hanji could be and do the same. Then again, there's a reason that Erwin has aligned himself with such company, and it's not because they get along well together. 

“There isn’t a Squad Leader position open at the moment, but when there is, you will be the first person I approach,” Shadis says, still slightly taken aback. “You were always next in line.”

“Good,” Hanji huffs, a beaming smile on their face. "I won't let you down, sir!"

“We’ll talk more about research when you get promoted.” Shadis says. “I think we’ve said all we can. Meeting adjourned.”

As Shadis turns to leave the room, Hanji grabs Levi’s hand.

“I’ll talk to you later, after dinner, okay? I have so much to discuss about the Demon Titan, I really need your input for my notes!” 

“Sure,” Levi replies, a small bubble of excitement brewing within him. He hasn’t been able to have visitors yet, and Hanji will provide for good entertainment and a distraction.

As Hanji leaves the room, Erwin makes his move, leaving his seat to lock the door. Levi feels intimidated, being in a room with Erwin alone. It's the first time since the expedition that they will speak frankly and freely, and so much has changed in their dynamic since then. 

Levi has thought long and hard about this very moment, anticipating every single outcome. He knows what he has to do. It’s the right thing for them, and for humanity. But that doesn’t make the conversation any easier. 

“I’m sorry,” Erwin starts, still standing at the door, a guilty expression now clear on his face.

Levi doesn’t gain any satisfaction from Erwin’s guilt. Although he still believes that Erwin made the wrong decision, he doesn’t blame him for his injuries, and he certainly doesn’t blame him for treating him the way he did. Erwin is his commanding officer, and he has the authority and the right. None of Erwin actions were unreasonable.

“For the way I treated you,” Erwin continues. “It was unprofessional and unacceptable.”

“No.” Levi says firmly. “You treated me like you would treat anyone else in my position. I lost control, refused to take orders, and undermined your authority. I didn’t deserve your respect at that time.”

“But you’re not just anyone else, Levi, you’re-”

Every word that Erwin says is like a dagger plunging through his chest, twisting at his insides. Levi doesn’t want to hear about how special he is, because Erwin shouldn’t be saying it. If Erwin is going to be Commander, he can’t have that kind of bias or favouritism towards Levi. He needs to be ready to cast Levi aside at a seconds notice, or everything they’ve been through will mean nothing.

Levi is just one person. One life. A tiny blip in the grand scheme of things. He doesn’t equate to the many lives lost to the cause. 

“Stop, Erwin, please.” 

Erwin moves to his bed, retaking the seat beside Levi. 

“Levi?”

“This whole thing between us was a mistake,” Levi says, finally, admitting out loud what they’ve always known. “And the fact that you don’t see how your treatment of me was okay proves my point.”

“Just because you’re my soldier, doesn’t mean you’re my dog. You have the right to be treated with respect, just like I treat everyone with respect, regardless of our personal relationship.” Erwin says carefully, although Levi doesn’t care much for the civility. This whole conversation, this whole ordeal, would be so much easier to deal with if Erwin wasn’t so kind and generous and beautiful.

Breaking up with Erwin would be so much easier to deal with if Erwin didn’t care.

“Levi, is everything okay? Is there something I need to know?”

"We shouldn't fuck anymore," Levi says quickly and harshly, ripping off the bandage. "I’ll still be your Corporal, and I’ll always be loyal to you... I just- I can’t be involved with you… It’s harming our performance on the battlefield. "

_I’m falling for you, and it’s too dangerous for me to ignore._

"Okay," Erwin replies after a small pause. His brows furrow, confused, and then they straighten out again as he processes the information. “I- Okay.”

Levi looks towards Erwin to find a hurt expression etched on his face, and subsequently etched into Levi’s mind. When he replays this moment over and over again in his head, this is the moment that will haunt him the most. He never wanted to hurt Erwin, but he’s succeeded anyway. 

"I just- I can't have myself compromised. This whole thing about saving humanity, it means too much to both of us." Levi babbles in a pathetic attempt to explain.

"It's all right, Levi, you don't have to explain," Erwin says, finally gaining his voice again as he crawls back into the costume he uses for diplomacy. Erwin is distancing himself from the situation, and his emotions, and Levi doesn’t blame him. "We shouldn’t have started this anyway."

Levi swallows, a hard lump forming in his throat. He agrees, of course, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.

In another life, in another time, in another world, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. They wouldn’t need to, because there wouldn’t be any titans and they wouldn’t be soldiers. They’d date, become each other’s partners, grow closer until they got engaged, and subsequently married. They’d adopt kids the next year, making a small and lively family. They’d start a business or rise the ranks of their mundane jobs, with no urgency at all. They’d live comfortably, and enjoy life like it’s meant to be enjoyed, through simple moments pieced together slowly over time.

But there’s nothing simple or slow when it comes to fighting titans, and they’ll never live in the irrational fantasy land construed in Levi’s head. They were star crossed from the start, never meant to be, no matter what their heart tells them.

Erwin walks to the door, hand turning the lock, ready to leave. But he doesn’t, and Levi watches as Erwin’s head hangs low, the door seeming to hold his weight. 

“I hope you get better soon, Levi.”

Erwin walks away, as he should.

\---

They still maintain their professional relationship, of course. Neither of them would let something as petty as sex or romance ruin their fight for humanity.

But they don't talk like they used to. 

They had become friends - not just lovers - and they hadn't even realised it.

\---

Levi misses Erwin's touch more than he’d like to admit.

Erwin's calloused fingers used to trail over his body, seize his skin, scratching and scraping and digging into him with all he’s got. Erwin’s touch would guide him, with a hand on his back or cheek or neck. Levi always loved those small, intimate moments. 

Erwin doesn’t touch him anymore, and Levi is ultimately thankful for it. Keeping their distance is the only way to keep themselves from falling into the same pattern again. But that doesn’t stop Levi from yearning for it. 

Sometimes he searches for Erwin's touch at night, while he tosses and turns in his sleep. But all he finds are cold sheets, unsaid words and empty promises.

\---

Days without Erwin’s touch bleed into weeks and months. It starts off as a small wound, a minor scrape to the surface of his skin, barely bothering him at all. But that scrape soon turns into a major wound, one that Levi can’t seem to stitch up no matter how hard he tries.

He does, somehow, manage to stop the bleeding. Hanji seems to smother his wounds and bandage them tight. But in the end, he'll always have the scars. He’ll always wear that wound and know what it was for.

\---

Levi learns that he can live without Erwin. Living is easy; a series of simple breaths, and simple heartbeats, most of which are against his will anyway. The body's automatic response is to live, so Levi's body does just that, without fault.

Levi can live without Erwin; he just doesn't want to.

\---

In September 845, Wall Maria falls. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, you can post your death threats down below or send them to @spinsy on tumblr. As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)


	16. Chapter 16

The morning of an expedition is always a sombre time of hushed talking, frowning faces and quiet prayers. Today, Levi wakes to a different dread; one that isn’t a fear for his own safety, but for the safety of others.

In the hours immediately after Isabel and Farlan died, in the wake of crushing sadness and devastation and grief, Levi had vowed to never grow close to another human again. Humans are weak; they die so easily. Staying away from everyone would benefit Levi in the long run, despite the loneliness.

But then Erwin spiraled into his life, dragging Hanji with him. Levi cares for them, and can't do anything to protect them. 

Everyone gathers in the Survey Corps courtyard as they saddle up their horses and go through orders. The sun shines brightly and boldly over their heads, an immense benefit to the Corps. Levi stays near Hanji for the time being, unable and unwilling to see Erwin off.

"Good luck.” Levi says, glaring up at Hanji. “And don’t die.”

It’s probably not the best thing to say to someone who is about to go outside the walls, but Hanji smiles and nods anyway, appreciating the gesture. 

Levi hopes his baseless prayers will be enough to keep Hanji and Erwin alive today.

\---

The battalion trudges back to HQ slowly and forcefully, as they always do. While Erwin rides forward, he spots Levi training in the yard on his horse. He looks fit and healthy, almost the same as he was before the accident.

“That was quick,” Levi remarks as he rides up to Erwin, immediately spotting him out of the crowd. “Did something go wrong?”

“We went into the forest,” Erwin says, gritting his teeth. “There were more titans there than what we expected… and then it started raining.”

“The long range scouting formation failed…” Levi mutters, eyes glassing over, clearly remembering the last time it rained during an expedition. 

“I’m guessing there wasn’t any rain here?” Erwin asks, almost with hope, even though he already knows that there wasn't any rain. Levi would be much more unsettled if it had. 

“No. Nothing.”

“That’s a shame. The crops could have used it.”

As Erwin walks his horse to the stable, he continues to engage in idle chatter with Levi about his injuries. It not only distracts him from the tragedy of the expedition, but it feels like their friendship is finally mending. It might take some more time to get over the majority of the awkwardness, but conversation flows easily between them now. 

“How many casualties?” Levi finally asks.

“Two from my squad, ten from Mike’s, about twenty from Tress’, and Moses-” Erwin tries his best to swallow back the anger and sadness. “And the majority of Moses’ squad… including himself.”

“Shit,” Levi swore, looking to the ground. “If only I was there, I could have-”

“You would’ve been with me.”

Erwin holds his tongue, refusing to reveal that Levi’s presence was sorely missed. Levi is physically strong beyond belief, but his intuition is his most valuable asset. Somehow, he always knows when something is about to go wrong or right. He always knows how to act in order to get out of a sticky situation. He thinks very quickly, in the moment, unlike Erwin, who thinks toward the future. 

“Hey Erwin,” Levi mutters, looking to the walls. “What do those bells mean?”

Erwin looks to see where Levi’s gaze is fixated, listening as a series of consecutive bells ring out, getting louder and louder and louder.

_No._

People are screaming and buildings are crumbling and there’s the telltale thud of titan feet meeting the ground, building into a crescendo of noise. 

Finally, shaking himself from stupor, Erwin runs out of the stables and into the courtyard, as the entire Survey Corps run around in panic. Some are bent over, heaving on the ground. Others are struggling to pack their belongings, anything they can find. A select few are buckling up their 3DMG, and preparing the supply carts with gas, ready for another fight. 

They are the bravest of men, Erwin thinks. Far braver than himself.

In the distance, Erwin can see Shadis standing stunned and motionless. The Survey Corps is used to going outside the walls to fight titans, knowing that they’ll always come back to somewhere safe where they cannot be touched. But now, it seems like that illusion has been broken. There isn't a safe place in this world anymore

“Erwin!” Levi screams beside him. “What the fuck is going on?!”

Sometimes, Erwin forgets that Levi skipped basic training, so protocol often flies over his head. Nobody bothered to tell him about the bells because they’ve never been used before.

“The bells are for invasion,” Erwin mutters, forcing the words from his mouth. This isn’t easy for anyone to say. “It means the titans have made their way into the walls.”

“What?” Levi chokes. “But you closed the gate, right?”

“Of course we did,” Erwin replies. “Something else must have happened. Perhaps the Demon Titan… I don’t know, Levi! I just don’t know.”

Levi’s face reflects what Erwin would call pure horror, and Erwin wants so desperately to tell him that everything will be okay. Levi is strong and valuable to the Corps, but he hasn’t been here long. If he could protect Levi from this, he would. 

But there’s a very real chance they could both die today. 

_Focus, Erwin. Don't think about Levi. The Survey Corps is the best line of defence against the titans. The Garrison don’t know shit. You have to snap Shadis out of it, gather the troops, and start the evacuation. We have to protect Wall Maria at all costs. Shiganshina can fall, but Wall Maria cannot._

Erwin stalks up to Shadis, Levi trailing at his feet. It seems like his Corporal has managed to pull himself together, following Erwin’s lead in stoic silence.

“Keith, snap the fuck out of it!” Erwin growls, meeting Shadis’ cold gaze. He's greeted with eye contact, and a faint flash of recognition. 

“What are we supposed to do, Erwin? We can’t even protect ourselves… We’re useless, you have to admit it.” Shadis babbles, reverting back to his previous state of grief and anger. His earlier post-expedition breakdown is clearly doing him no favours. 

This whole scenario would be so much easier to handle if there hadn’t been an expedition earlier in the day. The Survey Corps would be fresh, determined, and ready. But now they are tired and weak and severely under resourced. Even their leader is broken under the pressure, and Erwin would be lying if he didn’t feel a sliver of hopelessness himself.

It’s the perfect time for an attack, like the titans had this planned. 

“Keith,” Erwin starts, thinking of a way to say this without being treasonous. “Let me take command for a while. I can do it. _We_ can do it.”

“Go ahead,” Shadis mutters with a nod, already resigning to defeat. They both know that this moment has been coming, just a little sooner than expected. “You’ll make a fine Commander.”

Erwin doesn’t take any more time away from planning, quickly turning to the nearest soldiers he can find. He recites orders like reading from a list, blocking out everything else that happens behind him. In a matter of minutes, the Corps is organised and ready, more determined than ever.

Erwin turns to Levi. “You’re going to help with the evacuation of HQ.”

“No,” Levi says sternly, shaking his head. “I can fight. You know I can.”

“Levi, you’re still injured-”

“Erwin, please,” Levi says, almost outright begging. “Trust me.”

Erwin studies Levi carefully, like he used to when Levi slept peacefully in his arms. He looks ready to fight, despite his body being battered almost to death just recently. Erwin had seen it himself; blood caking Levi's skin, bruises covering most of his body, his limbs bent in all directions, his body floppy and lifeless... It had scared Erwin like nothing else, throwing him into sleepless nights of binge drinking and self loathing. But against all odds, Levi woke up and walked again. He's been cleared for horse work and has never once shown any indication of pain. He could send Levi into battle right now without any repercussions. 

But Erwin doesn’t want to. Is it selfish to try and keep Levi safe and sheltered? If Erwin was making this decision about another soldier, he would have approved it instantly. But Levi’s life is much more precious, much more important...

And that’s exactly why Erwin has to let Levi go.

This isn’t about Levi. Thousands upon thousands of people will die today, and that’s only the start of the destruction that could occur. In a worst case scenario, humanity would perish entirely. This isn’t the time to be protecting one person, despite how important he is. 

“Okay, Corporal. I approve of your request.”

Levi heaves a big sigh, instantly tearing on his 3DMG straps, buckling up for battle. “Thank you, sir.”

Levi will always be Erwin’s fatal flaw. He could discard anyone in the Corps without a second's thought; but he will always hesitate when it comes to Levi. It's awful to place one person above the rest because of love, but Erwin clings to that feeling regardless. 

For without Levi, Erwin is barely a human at all.

\---

All of Levi’s nightmares involve moments in his past; fragments of time that have manifested into an evil that keeps him awake at night. Levi never fears for anything that hasn’t happened; there’s never enough time or energy to be scared of a hypothetical.

But this moment - this huge and incomprehensible event that nobody predicted - should have been in his nightmares. And it will be in his nightmares, for years to come. 

As they ride up to the wall, Levi can see the first boat of refugees sailing towards Wall Rose, sent off by a cacophony of screams. Perhaps they are the screams of people being eaten by titans, or maybe they are the screams of people who didn’t make it onto the boat. 

“We’re almost there!” Erwin calls out. Instinctively, Levi rides closer to hear what he says. “Mike and I will clear out as many titans as we can from the area and-”

A large boom enters the air, cutting Erwin from his words. The view in front of them clouds with dust as debris tumbles to the ground. The Survey Corps halts their motions, stopping to watching the scene. A few soldiers scream, afraid of the unknown.

The dust settles to reveal a titan they’ve all seen before. Fifteen metres tall, plated brown and gold, with almost human-like facial features and intelligence. Levi saw the eerie similarities during the last expedition, and he can see it again now. 

The titan looks less like a titan, and more like a large, armoured human.

“The Armoured Titan,” Levi mutters, hands gripping at his blades, a twinge of pain shooting through his wrist. The name rolls off his tongue now, finding an affinity with the monster in front of him. 

This is no Demon Titan. This is a soldier - a _warrior_ \- covered in armour and ready to destroy everything in its sight. 

“Everybody charge!” Erwin screams, aiming his blade towards the savage creature. 

But before they can get close, it disappears amongst another cloud of smoke, vanishing into thin air. Levi rides as fast as he can to get to the area where it was, but there's nothing. No titan has ever disappeared like that before, without any sort of clue or carcass of remains. 

There were only footprints left in the grass, along with the debris of Wall Maria. As the smoke continues to clear, Levi looks ahead to see an arch now broken through the brick of Wall Maria, exposing the larger population to the wrath of the titans. 

“It’s over,” Erwin says, appearing beside him. “The best we can do now is save as many civilians as we can.”

Levi’s brows furrow at the notion of defeat. _No. This can’t be over._

“Can’t the Garrison fix it?” 

“Not with enough time.”

Erwin ignores Levi's further questions, turning to his soldiers as they gather in front of him. He stands, sombre and solemn. 

From then on, Levi can hardly process what Erwin says. It doesn’t feel real, despite seeing the evidence in front of him. This situation is supposed to be impossible; the walls are supposed to be unbreakable.

_“Wall Maria has fallen...”_

_“Focus your effort on evacuation....”_

_“Protect as many civilians as you can...”_

_“Fight for the glory of humanity!”_

All this time they’ve been sitting by, trapped inside a cage with no escape, waiting for their deaths like trained cattle. This is the last of humanity, and they’ve lost their fight so miserably.

The titans have won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to sugoilevi for beta-ing again!! Find me @spinsy on tumblr.


	17. Chapter 17

Tiny tents pop up over an empty field within Wall Rose, little red blimps amongst a square of faded green grass. It’s all they can do for now, as the Survey Corps has no base in Wall Rose. It’s unknown to even Erwin where they will go from here. Perhaps, they will have to live in these tents forever. 

Erwin watches as Shadis sits on the edge of the camp, all by himself. He’s debated approaching him several times, but decided against it out of respect. The man is mourning friends and comrades, and Erwin knows from experience that being alone is sometimes more soothing than anything anyone could do.

That leaves Erwin alone too, at the mercy of silence. Without anything or anyone to distract him, his mind runs the whole day through on replay, analysing every second. There are so many questions running through his head, he can’t even begin to answer them all. 

What will become of the Survey Corps? How will the population feed itself after losing the majority of its agriculture sector? Where did the so-called Armoured and Colossal Titans come from? Who _is_ the enemy?

“Erwin,” Hanji calls out as they runs up to him, out of the darkness. “You gotta come with me. It’s Levi.”

Erwin’s heart lurches just at the mere mention of Levi.

“What about him?” Erwin asks, trying to contain his worry. Now was not the time to be found out by anyone, even Hanji. He needs to be a soldier; detached, and emotionless. 

“He’s freaking out,” Hanji explains, leading Erwin past the camp and to the nearby well. There’s a small figure hunched over a bucket, muttering unclear words over and over again. “He keeps saying he’s dirty and can’t clean himself or something. But he looks pretty clean to me…”

Looking at Levi’s expression of anguish and panic, Erwin feels a stab of regret in his gut. After the stress and chaos of the day subsided, the adrenaline must have too, causing Levi to suffer in a state of panic. Erwin knew how painful Levi’s panic could be, and how hard he would have to work to undo it. 

“Do you think you could give us a moment, Hanji?” 

Hanji nods and walks away, leaving Erwin to kneel down in front of Levi.

“What can I do for you Levi?” Erwin asks, straight to the point. There’s no point in delaying motives with Levi. For him, it’s all or nothing. “What do you need?”

“I need a shower. I need to be clean. I’m too- I’m fucking _filthy,_ I can’t get this blood off my hands.” Levi mutters in a frantic tone, rubbing at his skin furiously, over and over. 

“I can’t get you to a shower, but I can help clean you with some water,” Erwin replies, trying to stay as calm as possible. He’s never seen Levi this frantic before; often, Levi is much more catatonic. “Can I see your hands?”

Levi reluctantly holds out his hands, tremors now shaking through his fingers and up his arm. Erwin softly takes them, holding them steady in his own. He looks down to see red raw skin, completely clean of any dirt or blood. Levi has rubbed and rubbed, even to the point of immense pain, just to try and feel clean again.

Erwin, for what it’s worth, doesn’t blame him. Not at all.

Instead of telling Levi what he doesn’t want to hear, Erwin nods. “I can help you clean if you want. But we have to use something a bit softer on your skin.” 

Erwin lets go of Levi’s hands to take off his cape, ripping a square off the corner. He dunks it in water, washing the material. Afterwards, he dumps the water in the grass and grabs a new bucket.

“Some fresher water might do you some good,” Erwin mutters, trying to distract Levi, who shakes like a leaf in the wind. Levi pulls his knees into his chest, trying everything he can to keep himself together, to save himself from falling apart. 

“Have you had anything to eat yet?”

Levi shakes his head.

“We’ll get something after this, okay?”

“Why are you doing this?” Levi croaks suddenly. “I don’t deserve it…”

Erwin squats back down, dumping the small square of fabric back in the water and lifting it for Levi to inspect. Levi’s impulsive cleaning obsession is based on methodical steps, carefully planned out to help himself calm down. Erwin is simply acting as a proxy, doing what Levi is struggling to do. 

“I still care about you,” Erwin says. _I will always care about you. Most likely to a fault._ “Hold out your hands.”

Levi obeys, and Erwin starts to gently wipe down Levi’s skin, making sure to go over every area at least twice. He dunks the cloth back in the water regularly, making sure that Levi knows it’s the cleanest water it can be.

Slowly, after Erwin repeats his motions a couple of times, Levi calms, his shaking lowering to small shudders every now and then. Erwin stops, and hands Levi the cloth. 

“You should wash your face, it will make you feel better,” Erwin says. “Tomorrow we’ll find a river to bathe in.”

Levi nods. “Thank you.”

“It’s okay.”

“I feel so stupid. Nobody else fucking freaks out like this. Just me.”

Levi lifts the cloth to his face, rubbing softly, but shudders and lowers it again. He heaves another breath, still struggling to calm down. Erwin immediately moves, sitting next to Levi, taking the cloth from him. 

“You’d be surprised,” Erwin says, dipping the cloth back into the water. “Mike picked a flower from the ground earlier and hasn’t put it down. He’s sniffing it obsessively. I saw Kean sobbing in a fetal position earlier, too. Not even Tress could calm her down. And Shadis? Hasn’t spoken to anyone. Keeps staring at the same spot of dirt on the ground.” 

Erwin lifts the cloth again, softly pressing it to Levi’s cheek, cooling the sweat slicked and tear stained skin underneath. He catches the gaze of Levi’s eyes, who stares at him shocked, unexpecting of the intimate gesture. But Levi doesn’t pull away, so Erwin repeats his action, softly cooling and cleaning Levi’s face. 

“Everyone breaks down, just in different ways.”

The words linger in the air, as Erwin carefully handles Levi’s face. 

“What about you?” Levi asks, his voice stronger now. “You seem fine to me.”

“I bear my burdens on the inside mostly,” Erwin replies, grimacing. It may seem weak or childish to break down, but it’s a better alternative than keeping it brewing on the inside, where you'll have to suffer alone and without relief. Erwin can’t seem to release these emotions anymore; he’s far beyond it. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Erwin shakes his head. He doesn’t want Levi to say sorry anymore. Not today. 

“C’mon,” Erwin says, standing up. “You should come sit by the fire. It’ll warm you up, and you can stare at something other than darkness for a change.”

Erwin pulls Levi to his feet, and they trudge back to camp together. Erwin’s arm holds steady on Levi’s back, guiding him where to walk. It’s slightly more intimate than what Erwin should probably allow, but nobody is watching them, aside from one person in particular. Out of the darkness, Hanji approaches, slowly and carefully. On Erwin’s gesture, they come closer.

“Hey, are you feeling better?” Hanji asks, talking to Levi cautiously. Levi nods, and sighs.

“Yeah, sorry for the trouble.”

“It’s okay. As long as you’re feeling better.” Erwin doesn’t miss how Hanji’s eyes swipe back and forth between them suggestively, but Erwin leaves that subject for tomorrow. 

There might be a few uneasy and difficult questions, but Hanji is a friend. They would never tell a soul. 

They sit down next to the fire, staring into the flames. Every now and then, Hanji will point out a weird and pointless observation. Erwin will reply with his opinions, and Levi will hum in return. 

Only once does Levi speak.

“It feels like the world ended today,” Levi mutters, pushing a leaf into the fire with a stick, watching as it quickly crumbles under the pressure. 

“No,” Erwin replies, the fire reflecting brightly in his eyes. He may not have any answers to his questions yet, but he knows that this isn’t the end. There’s too much at stake, and he’s too determined to let it come to that. “This is where everything starts.”

They don’t sleep at all that night.

_\---_

The chilling cold of the river water still lingers on Levi’s skin, as he huddles in Hanji’s tent. Night has turned into day, and as the day has worn on, nothing much has changed. The Survey Corps is still squatting in a field for the unforeseeable future, and the entirety of the population has plunged into chaos. The only saving grace has been Levi’s impromptu bath in the river, finally helping him feel clean again.

Shadis, and all of his Squad Leaders, left for Mitras early in the morning, supposedly to debrief and plan their next steps. Levi isn’t at all jealous; he can imagine how uncomfortable that meeting will be, something he is glad to miss out on. The Garrison will blame the Survey Corps for being ill-equipped, and the Survey Corps will blame the Garrison for being essentially useless. Levi still can't believe how incompetent they truly were; the majority of Garrison soldiers had forgotten how to use their 3DMG entirely.

Levi then thinks of Erwin, poised and ready, easily deflecting any criticism and placing the blame solely where it should be. Erwin is in his element at the moment, his graceful yet powerful charisma naturally lending itself to diplomacy. That same demeanour is what saved Levi last night, helping him through one of his worst breakdowns ever.

In the meantime, while the Survey Corps stays stagnant, Levi tries his best to sleep, even if he doesn’t really want to.

“So Levi,” Hanji says, flinging open the flap to their tent and diving in.

Levi opens one eye, refusing the greet them. “What is it?” 

“How long have you and Erwin been fucking for?”

Levi intakes a sharp breath, shocked at how brutally honest Hanji is with their assumptions. They were so careful not to give away any suspicion, and there was no way that Erwin would have said anything… So clearly, Hanji had seen them together yesterday and put two and two together.

In a split second decision, Levi decides to deny the accusation. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Levi replies, closing his eyes again, pretending to sleep. 

“You can tell me anything, Levi,” Hanji says sincerely, sitting down next to him. “I won’t tell anyone. You know I’m your friend, and Erwin’s too.”

“That doesn’t mean you need to know about my private life.” Levi snaps, almost wanting to bite Hanji’s head off. This was none of their business, and they had no right to know anything.

“So you’re admitting to having a private life…” Hanji says slyly, “with Erwin.”

Levi sits up, glaring at Hanji with contempt. “There’s nothing going on.”

“You wouldn’t be so defensive if that was true..”

“Fucking _fine,_ ” Levi growls in anger. He’s had enough of Hanji’s shit, and of this stupid conversation. “I fucked Erwin, is that what you want to hear? I fucked him many times, actually. In his bedroom, in his office, in the fucking bathrooms. We probably even fucked on your bed.”

Hanji grimaces, finally realising that they’ve hit a sore point. “Levi, I didn’t mean to offend you-”

“Well you succeeded anyway.”

“Levi…”

Levi sighs. There’s no point in attacking Hanji, the only other person willing to put up with his shit. He needs Hanji, and Hanji probably needs him too, even if this situation is painful and difficult to explain. 

“Look - Erwin and I had a thing, and now it’s over. So it doesn’t matter what you think anyway.”

“With all due respect, are you sure about that? You were both very affectionate last night.” Hanji points out. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do or anything, but… you two are good for each other, and you deserve to be happy.”

Levi shakes his head. Hanji is focusing on a purely selfish point of view, one that looks at his personal enjoyment over the severity of their cause. The events of the previous couple of days are evidence that Levi’s decision to break up with Erwin was the right one. There’s too much at stake now. The Survey Corps isn’t just fighting for freedom anymore; they’re fighting for the survival of the entire human race.

“He was helping me, that’s all. We’re still friends.”

But that's a plain lie; they haven't been friends. Aside from the few minutes of conversation they shared before Maria fell, last night was the most they'd spoken privately since Levi ended things. They've been pretending to keep it together, to be just as close as before, but really, they've been distant with each other.

Hanji hums, leaning into Levi slightly, head resting on his shoulder. Levi allows it, but stiffens uncontrollably. 

“I know, just as much anyone, why we have to give up our whole lives to this cause,” Hanji mutters. “If I could go to my boyfriend and take him back, I would. But the Survey Corps always comes first.”

Hanji’s ex-boyfriend is most likely dead by now, killed by the downfall of Wall Maria. Levi frowns, saddened by his friend's pain.

“Just because you have to give your beating heart to the cause, doesn’t mean you can’t save some of that for Erwin. There are worse people to give your love to.” 

Levi agrees, to some extent. Erwin is the best kind of person to give your love to, a selfless partner who cares for your pleasure and holds nothing back. But Erwin, and everything that comes with him, is far more complicated than that. 

Far more complicated than simply love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanji might ship them. A lot.
> 
> You can find me @spinsy on tumblr. If you liked this, please consider leaving a comment or kudos, it's much appreciated!! As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)

Erwin returns from Mitras with little good news. 

It was decided that the Survey Corps would temporarily move into a noble’s castle near Trost, a rich man who had died in the fall of Wall Maria. Aside from that, the Survey Corps was left with nothing. No funding, no resources, and no help. They barely have enough money for food, let alone supplies for an expedition. 

Erwin gathered the Corporals, relaying to them how the events had played out. 

“We tried everything to secure more funding and involvement in the council, but…”

“But?” Hanji prompts. 

“They’re putting the blame on the Survey Corps,” Erwin says with a defeated sigh. 

“What?!” Hanji screeches, hands raised in the air. Nanaba grimaces next to them, before placing a calming hand on their shoulder. “They _can’t._ ”

“They’re saying we should have been more equipped and ready to deal with the Armoured and Colossal Titans.”

“That’s bullshit,” Levi sneers. Venom rises in his mouth as he thinks of the webs of lies weaved by the poisonous and cowardly spiders in Mitras. “Even if we predicted that the Armoured Titan could break through the wall, we wouldn’t have been able to fight them both. The Garrison are the ones who guard the fucking walls!”

Nobody says anything, leaving Levi’s biting words unprotested. Nobody looks at him like he’s not meant to be there, amongst the Corps’ upper ranks. In fact, there a few short nods of acknowledgement in his direction. _Progress._

“So where’s Shadis?” Nanaba asks.

“The meeting was adjourned, and Shadis stayed behind. When he came back to the hotel, he told me to leave and go back to camp.”

Levi’s hands twist together in his lap. Shadis takes Erwin around with him everywhere, for both training and counsel. It’s very rare that they’re ever apart on official capacity. 

“What do you think he’s doing?” Levi asks.

Erwin shrugs. “I can only speculate. All talks were suspended, so he’s not doing anything strategically or politically. I think he just needs time to be alone.”

Levi doesn’t believe Erwin’s explanation. Not one bit. He doesn’t think Erwin is necessarily lying, but he may be too blinded, or too biased, to see past his mentor. Shadis has never come across as an honest person, or even a trustworthy person. His intentions might be noble, but he has a closet of skeletons behind him too. Levi has never been able to get a read on him. 

That being said, Shadis is the least of the Corps’ current problems. Poor leadership means nothing if there’s no Survey Corps to lead, and Erwin’s version of events leaves no hope at all. 

Later, when Erwin and Levi are the last two people awake, Levi decides to voice his concerns. 

“Can I play a hypothetical situation by you?”

“Sure.”

“The gates at outlier districts like Shiganshina are proven weak spots in the walls, areas that certain titans can break. The only way to prevent it would be to seal the gates closed with cement and brick, and never open them again.” Levi says, his voice laced with slight panic. “What would happen to the Survey Corps if we never ventured outside the walls again?”

The idea of being trapped here, in an impossibly small enclosure, crushes Levi with claustrophobia. There are too many people living here already, and too little food and resources to spread. And that’s not even considering the Underground, with its dirt and filth and grime. When you left Wall Maria, you were breathing pure and untouched air, like a bird spreading its wings to fly for the first time. It was both beautiful and deadly, but free.

And now, they might never see the outside of Wall Rose, let alone the untouched world beyond it. It’s only been a couple of days, and Levi is already restless about it. 

“We would still operate as the arm of the Garrison, perhaps as a vanguard for further titan attacks.” Erwin muses. He doesn’t seem to be worried about Levi’s claims, although he’s not dismissive of them either. “But it’s not going to come to that Levi. I’m not going to let it.”

“How?” Levi demands, slamming his fist into his thigh, bruising the skin beneath his pants. He grits his teeth to stop himself from venting his frustrations with a scream. “I need to know how. Waiting around isn’t good enough.” 

Erwin leans forward, diving slightly into Levi’s personal space. His hands twitch, like they want to move into Levi’s own, but they stay put by his side instead. Erwin’s posture and demeanor is calm, as it always is when comforting Levi.

Levi hates having to depend on Erwin to calm his anxiety and settle his mind. He hates seeking it out, and feeling relief from it. He wishes he could train his mind to shut off, to become cold and emotionless like most soldiers are. But Levi can’t seem to shake the last remnants of his humanity, no matter how hard he tries. 

Levi’s emotions are sewn onto his heart and worn on his sleeves for anyone to break. No matter how many times he frowns, no matter how sarcastic or vicious his mouth is, he’ll never be able to separate his emotions from himself. They’ll always be present, ready to break him at any time. 

“I won’t let anyone destroy us, Levi.” 

Levi nods, respectfully, but doesn’t allow himself to believe Erwin’s words. Belief is a powerful drug, and not even Erwin can guarantee their future.

\---

Shadis comes back two days later, looking even wearier than before. The wrinkles on his face drag even further, and the dark circles under his eyes rival even Levi’s. Erwin hasn’t even seen the man so torn up before.

Erwin approaches him, slowly and surely, not wanting to stir him up even further. But plans need to be made, and time cannot be wasted.

“Keith,” Erwin says, “if there’s anything I can do-”

“Yes,” Shadis cuts him off with a raised a fist, extended out to where Erwin stands. “Come here.”

Erwin steps forward cautiously, confused as to what Shadis is talking about. Behind him, he can see a bag, packed full with belongings. There isn’t anything else inside Shadis’ tent, stripped bare to its bones. 

Shadis takes Erwin’s hands, releasing his fisted hand against them. And then he withdraws, leaving Erwin to stare at the lightweight pendant in his hands, a glowing green ornament attached to string.

A Commander’s tie.

“It’s time,” Shadis says, standing up to meet Erwin eye to eye, as equals. “I’ve been offered a senior position amongst the Trainee Corps. There’s going to be a massive recruitment drive, with propaganda convincing young people to join the military. Famine will most likely drive many recruits to sign up too.”

Erwin is honestly lost for words, unable to comprehend that Shadis is backing down. 

“I don’t know what to say, Keith.” 

Shadis was never the type to run away from a fight, or to take the easy route. He is known for his ability to fight until the bitter end. And yet, here he stood, no longer a soldier of the Survey Corps. Erwin hadn’t been sure he would ever live to see the day. 

“I’m old, and I’m not doing a good job here. Not like you.” Shadis’ words drip with self-hate. “Accept it. Become Commander. Save us all from this fucking nightmare.”

In just a few tiny seconds, the weight of thousands of lives pile onto Erwin’s shoulders. He commands an entire military legion now, holding the fate of the human race in his hands. This is now humanity’s last ditch attempt at freedom. 

The bolo tie might not weigh much, but it feels impossibly heavy in Erwin’s hands. 

Erwin stiffens, dragging his limbs into a salute. “It has been an honour to serve under you, sir.”

“And it has been an honour to teach you, son,” Shadis replies, clapping Erwin on the back. The man is still weary, but he looks better than he has in years. “Good luck.”

\---

Ultimately, Erwin spends the rest of the day in a haze of dread and confusion. Yesterday he was a Squad Leader, and today he is a Commander. It doesn’t make sense to him how quickly something so drastic could change in his life.

He keeps the Commander’s bolo tie tucked in his pocket, hidden from sight, unable to look at it. He’s trained and prepared and dreamed for this day, and now that it’s finally here, he wishes it hadn’t. Being a Commander is an honour and a privilege, but also a terrible, all-consuming task. Erwin wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Shadis calls a meeting, set for after dinner. He will start by debriefing the Corps after the events of the past couple of days, and announce his resignation afterwards. Erwin will then take over, giving his first speech as Commander.

Erwin has always enjoyed the thrill of public speaking. But right now, he’s frightened as all hell. He’s planned out everything he’s going to say, line by line, practicing alone in the forest. He’s ready for this, but he doesn’t want to be. 

“Do you know what this meeting is about? I don’t like not knowing what’s going on around here.” Levi says at dinner, sitting down next to him with a full tray. Erwin smiles at the sight, happy to see Levi eating again.

Erwin doesn’t take any time to think about his words. Lying to Levi isn’t an option.

“Shadis is resigning.”

Levi stops chewing, halfway through digesting his small roll of bread. He’s just as shocked as Erwin was, if not more so. He swallows impromptly, his jaw dropping.

“No way.”

“Yes way.” 

Erwin stomach flip flops pathetically, unable to gain the courage to tell Levi about his promotion. It still doesn’t feel right to refer to himself as a Commander. Instead, he reaches into his breast pocket, retrieving the bolo tie. Levi has a small look at it, before Erwin pockets it again.

“ _No fucking way,_ ” Levi gasps with a small smirk. “So you’re the boss now?”

“I am,” Erwin answers. 

“You don’t seem happy,” Levi notes, shuffling his food. “In fact, you seem terrified.”

Erwin frowns. “Wouldn’t you be, in my position?”

“A promotion is a promotion,” Levi muses. “Although I remember acting similarly to my own promotion, so I guess I understand.”

“I believe more curse words were used that day,” Erwin chuckles.

“You can’t blame me for that, I thought I was going to get punished for hitting you the night before,” Levi points out. 

That scene feels like it played out so long ago, in a different time and era. They were more naive and sheltered, so unknowing to the drastic events that were going to unfold. Pressing Levi up against that wall had haunted Erwin for many nights after it had happened. It sparked something inside of him, something that he didn’t know possible. It wasn’t just arousal, or lust. It was more than that. 

Now, they sit as friends, that initial spark of lust simmering to a small glow. Erwin misses their time together, but he understands and respects why Levi ended it. They're dangerous when together; for good reasons, and bad. 

Silence continues as they eat, content to watch various conversations play out in front of them. At some point, Levi turns to Erwin and asks, “Can I give you some advice?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t act terrified around the soldiers. Be strong.” Levi says. “Morale around here is already too low. We need a Commander who will step up and give us hope. Be optimistic. Lie through your teeth if you have to.”

Levi is wiser than what Erwin gives him credit for. He’s a man of the people, someone who understands what the soldiers and civilians are thinking and feeling. He empathises with people, while Erwin will only analyse them from a distance.

“Don’t ever stop giving me advice, Levi,” Erwin tells him. “I’ll need all the help I can get.”

“Even when I think you’re wrong?”

Erwin will never forget the last time Levi opposed him. They should have gone to Quinta, as Levi and Hanji had advised. In the end, it was Levi who suffered for it. Erwin won’t let that happen again. 

“Especially when you think I’m wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this story was about the growth of their attraction and feelings for each other. The second half is about their growth as soldiers and partners. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! You can find me at spinsy.tumblr.com nowadays. Be sure to tell me what you think!! As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have to go back and reread the first scene of chapter 12 to understand the discussion regarding Survey Corps' fundraising.

Bit by bit, Erwin breaks, falling apart under the pressure of his new job. Being the Commander was never going to be easy, but reclaiming Wall Maria is the biggest task the Survey Corps has ever faced, and figuring out how to do it is almost impossible with so little money. The Survey Corps has nothing but an abandoned castle, their horses, and their 3DMG gear. In the space of a month, Erwin has already been to Mitras twice. Both times, he’s come back empty handed. 

Levi watches on, observing Erwin from afar.

“Are you okay? Do you need any help?” Levi will ask. 

“It’s fine. I’m handling it.” Erwin will always reply.

But Levi knows; he’s not handling it.

\---

After some debate as to where he should go, Levi joins Mike’s Squad. In the end, they overhaul the entire squad system, sending soldiers to the squads that best suit their abilities, rather than trying to balance out the squads with both strong and weak soldiers.

Mike’s Squad will defend the formation, and attack forward when necessary. Tress’ Squad will also defend the formation, forming the other side of the vanguard. And Hanji’s Squad will protect and organise the supply carts, while also lending their minds to research and invention. 

Levi doesn’t mind Mike. He’s okay, for a person who has pushed his face into dirt and mud several times. But he's not Erwin, and Levi can't help but start to feel lonely without him as his commanding officer. 

Erwin stays distant and isolated nowadays, keeping everyone away, burying himself in the burdens of work by himself. He’s always hauled up in his office, door locked, and unresponsive. Levi knows that Erwin must be a lot busier - running an entire military legion isn't easy and all - but still, he’s slightly hurt that Erwin doesn’t find time to talk to him anymore.

Not that Erwin actually owes him anything.

Still, Erwin's isolation is unhealthy, and Levi starts to worry enough to talk to Mike about it.

“He’s killing himself,” Levi says simply. He doesn’t need to say Erwin’s name, because Mike knows there’s only one person he could be talking about.

“He was like this when he was made a Squad Leader too. He thinks he can’t waste any time or else the world will end.” Mike mutters, leaning back in his chair, face scrunching in worry. “After a while, he learned how to manage his time better.”

“Really? What helped him?” Levi asks. If there’s something, _anything,_ he could do for Erwin, he would do it in a heartbeat. 

“You.”

A faint blush burns onto Levi’s cheeks, as he scowls and turns from Mike’s sight. He tries to play it cool - Mike may know nothing of their relationship - but he looks pretty damn guilty anyway.

“I did nothing.”

“The Lobov scandal wasn’t his first success as a Squad Leader, but it was his biggest. You played a part in that.” Mike explains. “And when he’s around you… he’s calmer.”

Levi can feel his heart banging against his rib cage, heating the blood pulsing through his veins. The words slip from Levi’s mouth, “He does?” 

Mike nods, a small smile forming. “I was surprised when you two broke up. I thought for sure he’d never let you go.”

Levi gulps, looking terribly guilty. There’s no denying the truth now. “So you know...”

“I could smell it.” Mike says simply, with a shrug. Knowing who Mike is, and knowing his unqie ability, it’s not exactly a statement out of the ordinary. But the idea of Mike being able to smell Levi leaves a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Levi wonders if Mike can smell emotions, like fear or sadness. If it’s true, every emotion that Levi tries so hard to hide is most likely transparent to Mike. He must know so much about so many people, even knowledge that he doesn’t care for. 

“That’s so fucking creepy,” Levi mutters, before adding, “with all due respect, sir.”

Mike chuckles. “It’s fine. I’ve heard a lot worse.”

Levi can imagine a young Mike, sitting in class all on his own, ostracised because other children are afraid he'll sniff. Here, in the military, Mike’s abilities are prized and helpful. But out in the rest of the world, he would only be ridiculed, or hated. 

Finding solace in the Survey Corps is something they both share. 

“Anyway, I think it would be best if you talked to him. Told him to take a break every now and then. Forced food into his mouth.” Mike says. “You’ll calm him down, whereas I’ll most likely just annoy him.”

Levi still doesn’t understand how he could calm Erwin, although there’s no way he’s going to ask Mike to elaborate further. If anything, Levi believed he would be another burden on Erwin shoulders.

But Levi nods and agrees anyway.

\---

Morale reaches its lowest when the food shortage within the walls finally becomes a famine. The poorest of the population are starting to die as food become increasingly difficult to obtain. Even within the military, there's been a noticeable shortage of food.

Every day, Levi notices people crying in corridors or corners. He notices people writing lengthy letters home, pledging their small wage to them in order to help buy food. He notices that the quality of training starts to drop, as people start to realise that there’s no point. They might never leave the walls again.

No matter how hard Erwin works, he can’t seem to raise the money to have an expedition. Levi keeps a close watch on Erwin, especially at night, when he wakes from a nightmare and starts wandering aimlessly around headquarters. Night by night, the light in Erwin’s office burns longer and longer, eventually burning into the morning. 

Levi wants so badly to barge into his office, and wrestle Erwin to his bed, but locked door often stops him from entering. Erwin clearly doesn't want his, or anyone's, help. That isn't going to stop Levi from trying, of course.

The second Levi finds Erwin's door ajar, just a few hours after dinner, he swiftly takes advantage of it.

“You need to stop,” Levi says, standing in the doorway of Erwin’s office, leaning against its wooden frame. 

It’s much bigger than the office he used to have, but also dirtier, having most likely been used as storage room beforehand. Levi’s body itches to empty the room and clean it from top to bottom, but he knows that this is Erwin’s space to do what he wants. Respecting that is hard, but necessary. 

"No. I’ve almost finished these paid leave requests. I just need another hour.” Erwin mutters, never looking up from his work. There are several files of paperwork, crowding his desk, along with stationery, books and other assorted papers.

“You can finish them after a break.” Levi pushes off the door frame and shuts the door behind him, locking it soundlessly. It’s a miracle the door wasn’t locked in the first place. He walks into the room and leans on the front of Erwin’s desk, forcing himself into Erwin’s space. 

“Just stop for a second.”

“No. I have to keep going.”

“It wasn’t too long ago that you told me my opinion was valuable, and that I should oppose you when I think it’s right.” Levi drawls. “Did you really believe that, or were you lying to me?”

If Erwin were just a tiny bit less sleep deprived, perhaps Levi’s words would be enough to convince him to rest. But it has no effect on Erwin, as he continues on with his paperwork. Levi was expecting this. When Erwin is focused on a goal, there’s almost no stopping him.

Unless you shock him into listening. 

_Stupid, ignorant fool._ Levi walks around Erwin’s desk. _I didn’t want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice._

Levi drops to his knees in complete submission, hands clasped behind his back and head bowed towards the floor. 

“You can use me however you want, sir,” Levi murmurs, soft and pliant. Levi can’t act seductive, no matter how hard he tries, but he knows what men like Erwin get off on. 

Obedience.

Kneeling on the floor, Levi has Erwin’s attention now. He can hear a pen drop to the desk, and his chair move in a turn. Levi can’t see his face, but he can imagine Erwin must be drooling.

“Levi, I-”

“Don’t say anything,” Levi says, keeping his position. “Just use me, please.”

There’s a long silence, and Levi can almost hear Erwin thinking out loud. Levi has never seen the merit of weighing up the pros and cons of sex. It’s a primal function, something that isn’t meant to be thought out. And yet Erwin always wants to analyse it, time and time again. 

“I can’t, Levi,” Erwin finally answers, although he leaves no explanation.

In every other way, Levi feels useless. It’s the only way he knows how to help.

“I just want to serve you. To make you happy.” 

The words hang in the air, while Erwin stares, unmoving. Levi mirrors him, refusing to move or give in or back down. Erwin _needs_ this, and he’ll do anything to serve his Commander.

“Stand,” Erwin barks, a clear order. Levi wants to protest, but he can’t disobey. He stands, reluctantly, lifting his head to line up with Erwin’s. 

He can see the tired lines of Erwin’s face up close, with large bags and circles that are much like his own. Seeing Erwin’s agony in a physical manifestation is so confronting, Levi has to look away. This isn’t the Erwin he's slept with.

He should have done something about this earlier. He had sworn to follow and serve and protect Erwin, and yet he had failed in his duty so terribly. 

_I won’t ignore it next time._

“Come sit,” Erwin says, gesturing Levi to his lap.

Levi inches closer, not thinking twice. He hasn’t been this close to the man in ages, only observing him from afar. But Erwin’s body seems inviting, so Levi sits across Erwin’s knees, just like he has before.

But it feels weird, and not at all like he remembered. He can’t help but stiffen, unable to relax. 

“Do you need to use a safeword, Levi?” Erwin asks, all too polite. “Is this making you uncomfortable?”

“No,” Levi spits, almost insulted by the idea, “this is fine.”

“Then relax,” Erwin replies, a hand making its way into Levi’s hair, guiding him onto his shoulder. That’s when Levi finally melts, guided by the warmth of Erwin’s body and faint smell of his cologne. 

_This_ is the Erwin he remembers. 

“I don’t- I can’t sleep with you,” Erwin says. “Not when you don’t really want it.”

Erwin has never doubted Levi's intentions like this before. If Levi kneeled, he never questioned it. It was even a part of their negotiation that Levi couldn't lie, so it doesn't make sense for Erwin to stop trusting in that. 

“You’re still angry at me for breaking up with you," Levi mutters, coming to the only conclusion he can. 

“ _No,_ ” Erwin says, his voice overwhelmingly sincere. “Please, Levi, don’t say that. I could never be angry at you for that. You can say stop at any time.”

Erwin’s constant talk of consent both infuriates and soothes Levi. While one side of Levi - the dark, twisted and fucked up side - wishes Erwin would just take advantage of him and fuck him regardless, the other side of Levi finds comfort and safety from Erwin’s valour. He knows, without doubt, Erwin would never hurt him. 

“I’m saying no because… I don’t think we’re in the right mindset.”

“You’re so…” Levi’s hands make a fist in Erwin’s shirt, fingers locked in frustration. “You’re so fucking perfect, and I hate it, because you shouldn’t be.”

“Because I’m the man who forced you here?” 

Levi grits his teeth, withholding as much anger as possible. “Because we’re soldiers. Because this is a war. Because there’s no time or space for whatever the fuck we have.”

In this position, Levi is unable to avoid looking at Erwin’s crestfallen expression. He’s supposed to be helping Erwin, not hurting. But really, that’s all Levi ever seems to do. Hurt people.

“Enough of that,” Levi says, a quick change to the subject. He longs for a tiny moment of quiet, and Levi decides that Erwin might benefit from it too. “Just hold me for a while.”

Erwin replies with a sigh, deep and heavy, and Levi aches just from hearing it. He can feel the effect of Erwin’s stress, not just in his body language, but under his skin too. Erwin has lost a lot of weight and muscle, most likely from simply hauling himself up in his office all day.

 _No more,_ Levi vows. He’ll make sure to bring Erwin three meals a day, with snacks, from now on. He’ll make sure he trains properly too. They have to keep their bodies fit for fighting, even if they’re stuck behind the walls. 

Levi instinctively curls deeper into Erwin as he gets more comfortable, head resting in the junction of his neck and chest. Erwin’s body responds naturally, arm wrapping around Levi’s back, hand resting on his hip. Erwin’s thumb draws small circles, pressure so soft it’s almost phantom. 

Levi shivers, but Erwin ignores it.

They settle down into silence, but it doesn’t last long. Levi is too afraid to stay. They’re crossing a very thin line, and once Erwin gets under Levi’s skin again, he’s going to be very difficult to extract. They need to stay professional, for everyone’s sake.

Without a word, without any adverse movement, Levi climbs off Erwin lap smoothly, making sure not to brush on any inappropriate areas. 

This is only business. Nothing more.

“Now, tell me about what’s bothering you,” Levi says, perching himself on top of Erwin’s desk. “Talk me through it.”

Erwin immediately leans back in his chair, brows furrowed and the hard lines of his face returning. It’s amazing how quickly Erwin’s demeanour can change, just based on subject of conversation. He was much more passive when Levi was in his arms. 

_Maybe I really do calm him._

“We have no money,” Erwin explains. “We need to do something, and act now. If what Hanji believes is true - that some of the titan’s have intelligence, like humans - they’re watching us right now. We need to put up a fight, or they’ll just attack and take everything from us.”

“We need to start expeditions again.”

Erwin nods. It’s the obvious conclusion, to regain what they’ve lost. 

“So how are we going to raise money?” Levi asks. It's a simple question, with no simple answer. They can’t do any menial labour, since there are currently no crops in Wall Rose. On top of that, the famine means that many people, even rich nobles, would shy away from giving donations.

But Erwin’s lack of response tells Levi everything he needs to know. There’s only one other method of raising funds, and it's the one method that Levi has direct experience with. The one method that Erwin would hesitate to talk about.

“It’s a bad idea, Erwin,” Levi warns. 

“But it’s the only idea, believe it or not. Every other revenue source is unavailable. People living in the Underground are dropping like flies-”

Levi winces and bites his tongue. _Let him talk._

“-and all the gangs are weakened. It’s an easy target, and we’ve done this kind of work before.”

Levi swallows, throat dry. He hesitates, trying to reign in his emotions, but everything falls from his mouth so quickly that he can’t do anything to stop it. 

“What work have you done down there before? Drugs? Human trafficking? Assassinations?” The last word leaves a particularly bitter taste in Levi’s mouth. “I’ve been a part of it all, and I’m telling you, it’s _a bad idea._ ”

“Levi-” Erwin starts, as if he wants to apologise. But Erwin has nothing to apologise for. “I- No. We’ve never been involved in human trafficking or assassinations.”

Levi doesn’t know whether to be relieved, or distressed. Either way, there’s no denying what Erwin has been involved in. 

“So you’ve trafficked drugs.” 

“And other contraband. Guns were a common item.”

Guns are illegal to posses outside of the Military Police. Above ground, that law is barely enforced. A lot of citizens have a gun, for protection more than anything else. In the Underground, however, possession of a gun is a quick way to get thrown in jail for a month. 

Whoever possess a gun in the Underground can often climb the ranks of a gang much easier than with a simple knife. The more guns a gang has, the more power they can wield. Levi often found himself keeping one under his floorboards, just in case he needed some extra protection.

“Guns… drugs… you know they all kill people in the end, right?”

“I know,” Erwin says softly. “But I’ve exhausted every other option… I don’t know what else we can do.”

Levi bites his lip so hard he can taste blood on his tongue. He never thought joining the Survey Corps would lead him back to the Underground. It was supposed to clean his hands of blood, so he could never look back. 

But if there’s nothing more that can be done, Levi isn’t going to stop Erwin from pushing forward. The Survey Corps _needs_ this. 

“Fine. I think you should do it.”

“Would you hate me... if I asked you to take part?”

Levi was expecting this. In fact, he would be offended if Erwin never asked. He’s perfect for the job, knowing more about the Underground than any other soldier. It wouldn't make sense for Erwin to keep Levi from it.

Sometimes, to help people, you have to hurt people. Levi knows that better than anyone else.

“I could never hate you. I'll be fine.” But Levi shudders anyway, his body betraying him and succumbing to the fear. The Underground can easily swallow you whole, stripping you of freedom or leaving you for dead. The more you go there, the harder it is to get out again. 

“It’s a simple swap, money for contraband. We get a cut of the earning. I’ve done it before.”

Levi wants to tell Erwin that he’s in over his head, and that he has no idea how the Underground really works. He wants to tell him again, and again and again, that this is a bad idea. Nothing is ever that simple. Something is bound to go wrong. 

But Erwin plans for everything. He plans for victory, and he plans for defeat. Levi has to trust in that.

“Do you feel better now?” Levi asks. 

“Yes,” Erwin admits. “You’ve cleared my head. I know what to do now. Thank you.”

Levi coughs to avoid blushing. “No problem.”

“And I meant what I said, about valuing your opinion and concerns. I was being an asshole, and I'm sorry.”

This time, Levi can’t avoid blushing, an unmistakable warmth rising to his cheeks. “Just doing my job.”

But this was never part of Levi’s job description. He was never meant to kneel for Erwin.

As Levi steps out of Erwin’s office, a cold breeze hits his body, causing tiny bumps to rise over the skin on his neck. Even after crawling into bed and huddling under the covers, he still shudders from the cold. He can't help but wish Erwin was here with him, holding him, and sharing his warmth. While he's in Erwin's arms, nothing can get to him. Not even the cold. 

That night, in Levi’s nightmares, Erwin bleeds out on the floor of the Underground, his sky blue eyes wide open and lifeless, with a large bullet wound in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr!! Drop a comment if you liked it. As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is [Honeythief by Halou](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXA7DAVnRew&list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC&index=18)
> 
> As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)

Levi threads his arms through his brown hooded jacket, the faint smell of rotting flesh tickling his nose. This jacket, much unlike his bright green Survey Corps cape, is dirty, stained and smelly. It feels like the Underground, and everything Levi hates about it. 

“Why are you wearing that?” Erwin asks, as he pulls on a normal civilian jacket. Both Mike and Erwin are dressed in civilian clothes, while Levi took it one step further and dressed in old clothes from the Underground. 

“Just in case anyone recognises me.” Levi pulls the hood over his head, tugging it until it covers half his face. “I still have debts to settle down there. I might have a lot of friends, but I also have a lot of enemies. It would be... troublesome if I were noticed.”

Erwin nods. “Fair enough. Let’s get going then.”

Erwin walks towards the door, with Mike in tow, but something doesn’t look right to Levi. 

“Wait!” Levi says, raising a hand. “You’re not seriously going into the Underground looking like that?” Levi points to Erwin’s head.

“What? This is the outfit I always use.” Erwin says, looking down at his clothes. 

“It’s not your clothes, asshole,” Levi growls, stalking up to him. “Bend down.” Erwin complies, as Mike watches on in fascination. Levi digs his fingers into Erwin’s hair and scruffs, making it messy and frizzy. 

Levi ends up sighing in shame. Erwin’s hair is so pretty when styled and slicked, but he’d stand out like a sore thumb in the Underground.

“There.” Levi steps back to look at his handiwork. Erwin looks more like a street rat, although a healthy street rat. Nobody will believe he’s from the Underground, but at least he’ll draw less suspicion this way.

“What about Mike?” Erwin asks, looking towards Mike as if it was unfair he hadn’t received the same treatment.

“Have you seen Mike? He always looks scruffy,” Levi says, before adding, “no offense, sir.”

“None taken,” Mike answers.

Erwin grumbles something under his breath, too low for Levi to hear. He doesn’t look too happy to be stepping outside looking less than immaculate, but Levi's sure he’ll get over it quickly. There are bigger things to worry about.

“Any more objections?” Erwin asks. Levi and Mike both shake their heads. “Let’s go then.”

They step out of the hotel room and into the hallway. As they walk down the stairs, Levi feels his stomach churn in sickeningly. His hands rest there, as if it could somehow calm his nerves, but nothing can save him from the Underground now. 

“The quicker we get this done, the quicker I can take a dump,” Levi mutters under his breath.

Erwin chuckles lightly at Levi’s joke, while Mike makes a fake barfing sound into his hands.

\---

They meet in an alleyway a couple of blocks from the entrance to the Underground, deep within the heart of Stohess. Three backpacks and two suitcases worth of contraband are presented to them by a messenger, with the crest of the Toures family. The messenger offers to open up the cases so they can look at the merchandise, but Levi shakes his head.

“No. It’s fine.”

It’s better if he stays ignorant.

“I suggest you stagger yourselves to avoid suspicion,” the messenger says, handing them all small coin pockets. “Here are your bribes for the door.”

“I’ll go last,” Erwin says, almost immediately.

“No,” Levi mutters. The last person will have no back up, making it the most dangerous position. “I should go last. I’ll be able to hide down there if things turn south.” He grimaces, before adding, “I told you, I have friends down there.”

“Levi has a point,” Mike says, forcing Erwin to resign and agree. It's at this moment that Levi decides he enjoys Mike's company. Having another person to save Erwin from being a self-sacrificing shit is helpful every once in a while. 

They’re not supposed to go into the Underground with weapons - other than the weapons they’re selling - but Levi has a knife in his boot just in case. He knows how this kind of work can turn out. There’s a high chance that the buyer will try to kill them, take the money, and run. The famine means that very few people will have enough disposable income to spend on guns and drugs. This gang will likely try anything to get the merchandise for free.

It’s most likely the reason why soldiers are doing this instead of a drug mule. This noble needs them to come back with the money, or else he’ll be in economic strife. 

Mike walks off first. Erwin leaves after him, with a small wave in goodbye. Levi waits for his turn, wringing his hands together nervously, the feeling of blood already sinking into his skin. Chances are that he’ll come out of this with even more debts to pay.

As Levi leaves, a sense of dread forms with every step he makes. 

_Time to go back to hell._

\---

Getting into the Underground is easy. A small bribe paid, and Levi slips through without ceremony. The streets are dark, but he can find his way around easily. His hooded figure assimilates with ease.

Despite the look and smell of the Underground, it isn’t as bad as Levi expected. Night time in the Underground was often extremely dangerous, lending itself to all kinds of crime and disgusting behaviour. But the streets Levi walks now are mostly empty. There are a few stragglers and homeless crawling the ground, but no suspicious persons.

About ten minutes in, Levi comes across a corpse, lying strewn on the ground. On a quick glance, it looks like there was no blood or foul play. Just a gaunt face and skinny bones.

The famine has hit the Underground hard. 

Levi forces himself to step over the body, and keep walking. He focuses on predicting what will happen next when he reaches the rendezvous point. He focuses on calming his nerves, and putting his game face on. He can't have any distractions.

As he reaches the small tin shed, he notices a group of men crowding outside, with on the perimeter Erwin, sitting down on a crate. His first thought is to take Erwin away from them, far away, where they can’t touch him or dirty him. But his second thought is practical; Erwin should have left with his share of the money by now. The fact that he hasn’t left means that the plan as gone awry, and something is holding him up. 

Levi approaches as calmly as he can.

“We have a slight disagreement here,” one man sneers. He seems to be the leader, as all the other men fall behind him. “Your friend doesn’t have the right amount of guns. We were hoping that you’d have the rest.”

Erwin shoots Levi a calm look, as he slowly narrows his eyes. Levi doesn’t understand the entirety of his message, but it means that Erwin has a plan. Levi just needs to keep his cool.

“Don’t worry,” Levi grunts. Dumping his backpack and suitcase at the man’s feet. “I have the rest.” Although Levi honestly has no idea what’s inside, he’s guessing that there’ll be more ammunition in his share of the goods. 

The henchmen scramble forward to take the backpack and suitcase, ripping both open. They start taking everything out, picking through drugs and needles to the promised ammunition. Levi can’t help but watch as he brings destruction into the place he used to call home. 

_But the Survey Corps needs this._

“Say… what’s your name?” The leader asks, strutting up to Levi. His face is smeared with grime and dirt, but Levi can see the gaunt outline of his cheekbones and the large bags underneath his eyes. 

He’s not a big player here, Levi reasons. If he was, he would have enough money to feed himself. It won’t be too hard to take him out, if need be. 

“My name is Farlan.” Levi answers. “I’m just an errand boy for Lord Toures.”

“An errand boy, eh?” The man comes closer, close enough to see Levi’s face under his hood. Levi suppresses a shudder of disgust, and stays still. “Why the hood then?”

“I like to go unnoticed.”

“Hmmm,” the man hums. “You look kind of like a man I used to fuck. Small, black hair, stumpy nose. Acts like a whore, bottoms like a _bitch._ ”

Levi can’t help but physically recoil. The words sting him more than the memories do. He can only vaguely remember this man, just one of the many men he used to sleep with when he was younger, and weaker.

“I think you’ve got the wrong person,” Erwin interrupts. He looks like he’s a second away from punching the guy, anger etched clear on his face. But Levi stares him down.

In a moment of great timing, one of the henchmen interrupts. “It’s all here boss!”

“Good,” the leader says, unceremoniously stepping away from Levi, “I guess you can go, boys.”

Erwin stands and swiftly meets with Levi, hand firmly placed on his back. “Nice doing business with you,” Erwin says without meaning, picking up the cases of money. Without thought, Erwin turns his back to leave, while Levi internally screams at him to stop. He's breaking a rule Levi had told him to follow above everything else. 

“Never turn your back on someone,” Levi had explained. “Walk along walls and lean on them if you’re stationary. Make sure you’re always ready to duck and run and hide.”

Levi itches to reach out and pull Erwin back, but it’s too late now. Levi has to stay and front the men, or they might both end up death. He bends down, gripping his shoe laces, acting as if they’re undone. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches the leader ruffles through his pockets, hands gripping onto something solid and gun-like. 

Levi abandons his shoe lace to find his knife, clutching it in his hand. It feels heavier than what he remembers, but maybe he’s been softened by the lightweight 3DMG swords of the military. This knife is the only thing he can rely on. He gets ready to lunge, before realising that Erwin is still in firing line.

Doing the only thing he can, Levi yells. “Erwin, duck!” 

Levi hopes and prays that Erwin follows his orders, or at least has the common sense to run away. He can’t look as the gunshot goes off, because he’s simultaneously running up to the man, slashing at his arm. 

The gun clatters to the floor, letting off another loud bang. 

The two henchmen have no idea what they’re doing, trying their best to load up another gun in the background. In their struggle, Levi slashes at their arms and legs. Only shallow cuts, and nothing that will do any major damage. But it will give them enough time to run away.

The leader looks up at him as he lays in a murky puddle of water on the ground. Levi winces, thinking of the life threatening bacteria his wound is being subjected to. The man’s eyes scream hatred, but his mouth turns upwards in a smirk.

“ _Levi,_ ” he rasps.

In the background, Erwin calls to him, and of course, Levi follows. He doesn’t take any time to register that Erwin is alive, and unshot, because he’s already running away, as fast as he can with several heavy bags of cash in tow. Levi leads the way, darting through familiar streets and alleys, zig zagging a path through the Underground to make sure they aren’t being followed. Every time Erwin slows, Levi grabs him by the wrist and pulls him forward.

They run and run and run, but Levi knows that it won’t ease any of the pain. This isn’t something he’ll be able to forget. 

When the entrance to the surface comes into view, Levi finally allows himself to breathe. He stops running, leaning over to heave in air.

They’ve made it.

\---

They’ve regrouped in the same alleyway they started in, meeting back up with a relieved and regretful Mike.

“I knew something was off with them… They kept talking about how they expected more, and I kept trying to assure them that more was coming, but they didn’t seem to care. I tried to find you on the way back, but I lost my way.”

Levi nods. “That’s understandable. We made it, anyway, and that’s all that matters.” _Aside from the lives we indirectly killed in the process._

“There might be small problem,” Erwin says, with a slight hitch to the end of his sentence. It’s then that Levi notices he’s holding onto his upper thigh. “I might have been shot.”

Levi’s blood turns cold, anger seeping through every part of his body. 

“What do you mean _‘might have’_?!” Levi screeches. He starts to lunge at Erwin, but Mike manages grabs hold of Levi’s shoulders before it can happen. “What the fuck, Erwin?!”

“Shh, be quiet,” Mike murmurs. “We can’t draw attention to ourselves. The last thing we need are the MPs on our trail.”

Levi knows Mike has a point, but that doesn’t stop him from being angry at Erwin. He takes a deep breath and shimmies out of Mike’s hold, finally closing the distance between him and Erwin. He pushes Erwin to the floor, causing a loud thud.

“Fuck,” Erwin mutters, wincing in pain. “Careful, Levi.”

But Levi ignores him. He doesn’t have time to be gentle. The bullet could have hit a major artery, or an important nerve. The wound could be dirty, and cause an infection. Erwin could be bleeding out right now, slowly losing all the life in his body, as he kept quiet to remain the hero.

_What a fucking asshole._

Levi rips Erwin’s pants open, revealing the wound in his upper thigh. The wound itself is actually quite large, but there’s very minimal bleeding. It looks like a simple through and through, entering the left side of his thigh and leaving the right side. No major arteries hit, and no major nerve or muscle damage either.

“You are so fucking lucky,” Levi mutters, sitting back and allowing himself to breathe once more. Adrenaline floods into his body, leaving his hands in a shaking mess.

“Why? What happened?” Mike asks, leaning in to take a look.

“It’s a through and through wound. No major bleeding.” Levi explains, running his hand through his hair to mask the shaking. “If the bullet had lodged, he would be at risk for a major infection. I wouldn’t be able to patch it up myself.”

“So you can fix this?” Erwin asks, looking at Levi in awe.

“Don’t look so surprised. In the Underground, doctors are expensive. Sometimes you have to make do.” Levi tears off his cravat, hidden far under his clothing. It’s the cleanest piece of cloth they have right now. He wraps it around Erwin’s thigh and ties it off. “Do we have a first aid kit back at the hotel?”

“Yes,” Erwin answers. Levi notices that the blood on Erwin’s hands is starting to dry, and cover his pale white skin. It looks grotesque, and Levi can’t wait to scrub Erwin’s hands clean of any and all filth that covers them. 

“I’ll have to clean the wound with alcohol first. That’s gonna sting like a bitch.” Levi mutters. “But I can stitch you up fine with a needle and thread.”

Erwin looks at Levi in pure relief, his eyes saying a silent thank you. Levi scowls in return, although he understands why he’s so thankful. Going to a doctor would raise more questions and could potentially get them in serious trouble. A Survey Corps soldier with a bullet wound in his thigh isn’t exactly normal.

Levi’s saved them from some deep shit tonight.

“Let’s get going then. No time to waste.” Mike says, interrupting their staring. “I’ll deliver the money to Toures. You two go back to the hotel.”

They help Erwin up, and hobble back to the hotel room.

\---

Levi pities Erwin, as he grunts through the stitches that Levi threads, piercing his skin over and over again. Erwin’s face is calm, although his eyes scrunch in pain every now and then. It’s clear he's hurting, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.

Strangely, Levi is grateful. The pain means they’re alive. 

When Erwin tries to leave the bed, Levi pushes him back down. “No, you’re staying here.”

The original agreement between them had been that Mike and Erwin would take a couch each, and give Levi the one bed. It was a stupid agreement, considering that both men could barely fit on the couches, with their long legs hanging off the end. But they were too stubborn, and Levi was too distracted to fight them on it. 

Now, with Erwin wounded, he'll have to fight Levi to the damn couch.

“But you shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch…” Erwin mutters. “Take the bed.”

“ _No,_ you fucking idiot.” Levi looks behind him to make sure Mike isn’t eavesdropping. He must have already retired for the night. “Stop being so fucking noble and just admit that you’re wounded and need help.”

Erwin gives him a confused look, before sighing and finally lying back on the bed. Levi watches as he finally closes his eyes, resting for a small second. It's almost surreal to see Erwin actually rest, even if it's just a small moment. 

Finally, Erwin gives in to him.

“You really are something, you know that right?” 

Levi huffs. More flattery. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

But Erwin ignores Levi’s question, instead grabbing his hand and pulling him onto the bed. Levi stumbles on his way, landing firmly on Erwin’s stomach. Erwin chuckles, but Levi ends up growling.

“What the fuck, Erwin?”

“Sleep on the bed with me,” Erwin says, patting to the space beside him. It’s not exactly a double bed, but there’s enough space for both of them.

“I’ll take the couch, thanks,” Levi mutters, turning away. He doesn’t need more temptation from Erwin, especially with Mike sleeping so closely with his superhuman nose.

“Please,” Erwin almost begs. “Just let me do this for you.”

“No.”

“ _Pretty_ please,” Erwin says, a hopeful glint to his eyes. “With sugar on top?”

Levi sighs. It seems like there’s only so much Erwin can surrender, and his warped sense of chivalry isn’t included. 

“Fine,” Levi says, taking the space next to Erwin, and resting his head on the pillow. It’s more comfortable than his dorm room bed, and suddenly, Levi isn’t regretting the decision to sleep beside Erwin. It's comfortable enough to counter the awkwardness. 

They sleep in silence, their backs barely touching each other. Levi wakes in various intervals during the night, haunted by the face of that man in the Underground. Levi can only remember flashes of their time together, through a haze of alcohol and forgotten memories. Nothing he remembers seems to stand out, but it's the unknown that Levi fears the most. He can't even remember the man's name.

Unfortunately, Levi’s jerky movements are enough to wake Erwin up. 

“Are you okay?” Erwin whispers, turning around slowly, with difficulty from his leg, so he can face Levi. 

Levi doesn’t want to talk about the Underground, or the man. But Erwin already knows about him anyway. He had overheard everything, and he had seen him get recognised. There must be a million questions running through his mind, but still, Erwin only ever looks at Levi with such care in his eyes. He doesn't ever look at him in disgust, like the man did.

Levi wants to believe, so desperately, that Erwin doesn't truly think he's a whore. But why wouldn't he? Everything that Levi's done, everything Levi's said, points towards that conclusion.

“Why didn’t you fuck me when I kneeled for you last week?” Levi mumbles, the words tumbling out his mouth, laced with insecurity. “I wanted it… so why didn’t you just take advantage of me?”

_Am I not good enough for you anymore? Am I too much of a whore?_

“I don’t want to have pity sex with you,” Erwin replies, nudging closer to his body, even though Levi wishes he wouldn’t. Closing a physical distance between them only furthers to close an emotional distance too. 

“But I’m just-” _A whore._ “I wanted it, and you refused.”

“I care about you too much to let you do something you’ll regret.”

But Levi doesn’t regret his choices. Not anymore, and especially not when it concerns Erwin. 

“I could never regret it...” Levi wants to yell these words with all his might, although they only come out as faint whispers. “It’s you. Only you.”

Levi can’t see much in the darkness, but he can see the faint outline of Erwin’s expression, dimly illuminated by the moonlight. There’s a soft smile gracing his face, with a familiarity that only Levi knows. 

He hasn’t seen that smile in a very long time. 

“Sleep now, Levi,” Erwin says. For a second, Levi swears he can feel Erwin’s thumb on his cheek. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Erwin?” Levi tiredly mumbles, on the brink of falling asleep. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Nile and Marie are going to be in the next chapter which I am _super_ excited about. If you liked this chapter, please consider dropping a comment. It's much appreciated! :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks goes to my beta reader sugoilevi :)

Levi wakes to sunlight, streaming through the curtains of a small hotel room. Thinking of it’s beauty, Levi realises he hasn’t ever woken to sunlight before, always adhering to the rigid military schedule of waking before sunrise. The bright orange tones create small patterns on the bed sheets, chasing away any shadows from the night. 

The bed is empty, and Levi sighs into Erwin scented sheets. Sleeping in the same bed as Erwin was never going to be a good idea, and now, Levi only wants more. Imagining lazy mornings with drawn out kisses and tentative touches is easy, but it will never be a reality for them.

Sliding out of bed, Levi notices his limbs feel heavier than usual. The adrenaline of last night seemingly worn on him, even though the whole ordeal was over in under an hour. 

He’s halfway through brushing his teeth when he remembers Erwin’s leg, hit with a bullet. He spits quickly, rushing out the the main area of the hotel room. Erwin sits at a table, drinking coffee, and reading a newspaper, like any normal person might.

Levi bites his lip. “Erwin?” He calls out.

Erwin turns, a brief smile appearing on his face when he sees Levi. “Oh, you’re up,” he says. “I went and had breakfast without you, but we can go out again as soon as you’re ready.”

Levi nods, making his way over to the table. He sits down, facing opposite Erwin, studying the man. He looks fine, but Levi asks just to make sure. “Is your leg feeling okay?”

Erwin shrugs. “It hurts a little to walk on, and I haven’t dared to touch it, but other than that it seems fine.”

“Have you checked the wound at all?”

“No.”

“You should really check the wound every four hours,” Levi growls. Unable to contain himself, Levi stands up and makes his way over to Erwin. “Take off your pants.”

“Wow, Levi. Don’t you want to give me a kiss first?” Erwin jokes. The lightheartedness of the situation causes Levi’s eyes narrow in question. Erwin was shot last night - almost killed - and yet he's joking around like nothing ever happened? Erwin must be a very good mood.

“Shut up, this is serious,” Levi mutters, kneeling down to be at eye level with Erwin’s thigh. 

Erwin complies, unbuckling his pants and pushing them down to his ankles. The bandages placed on the wound look crusty and old, and Levi shudders at the sight, hoping it isn't infected. It would be a shame if Erwin’s lack of medical knowledge kills him, considering he faces man eating monsters regularly. 

“It needs new bandages,” Levi says. “And most likely another disinfection. I’ll be right back.”

Levi retrieves the necessary equipment and works in silence, while Erwin continues to drink his coffee and read. From what Levi can see, and feel, the wound shows no signs of infection. If they keep cleaning it and resting it, it should heal without detriment. 

“You’re so fucking lucky,” Levi says as he finishes wrapping the bandage around Erwin’s thigh. 

“You said that last night.”

“I’ll say it a million times if I want to. You are _so fucking lucky._ ”

Erwin flashes a goofy smile, and Levi wishes he could smack it off his face. How does one man manage to be so brilliant and cunning and ruthless, yet so beautiful, all at the same time? It's not fair.

Levi takes a breath. “So, you said something about breakfast?”

\---

The streets of Stohess are overwhelmingly clean compared to the streets of Shiganshina or Trost. If it wasn’t for the selfish bastards that he would have to call neighbours, Levi might actually want to live here. But overall, it still doesn’t compare to the freedom of the outer world.

Levi sits across from Erwin at a tiny table, nibbling at his breakfast of crepes and syrup. It’s a fairly bland meal, but far better than the military oats he eats every other morning. 

“So… where’s Mike at?” Levi asks Erwin after an uncomfortable silence of Levi eating and Erwin twiddling his thumbs. 

“He’s visiting family in Hermina.” 

“Hermina? He’s from Sina?” Levi asks, slightly taken aback. Mike looks and acts like anything but a citizen of Sina.

“No, Mike is from the outer walls in the North, but he and his brother moved south for… reasons,” Erwin explains. “His brother is an engineer in the Garrison, and he’s one of the few stationed around Wall Sina for maintenance.”

“What a lucky guy,” Levi mutters. It’s very rare that a Garrison soldier would be allowed to live in the interior, with the majority of security and maintenance now placed on Wall Rose. But Levi's been told stories of the few lucky Garrison soldiers stationed at Sina. The general consensus is that they're cowardly bastards.

Levi finishes up his breakfast, wiping his mouth clean. Erwin smiles at him, and Levi starts to get creeped out. He hasn’t ever seen Erwin smile this much.

“Why are you so happy all of a sudden?” Levi asks.

“We have a day off,” Erwin says with a shrug. “I was thinking we could do a little bit of Christmas shopping and walk around town. I have an errand to run too.”

“Okay then,” Levi agrees. It wasn’t like he had anything else planned anyway.

\---

After a few hours of shopping, Erwin starts to lead him through a few unknown streets, that follow into the suburbs near the wall. The houses are clean and standing straight, although slightly crowded together. Some of the houses even have small gardens.

Levi guesses that Erwin is running his errand.

They stop outside one of the bigger houses, and Erwin digs out a small envelope from his pocket. “This should only take a few minutes,” Erwin says, without making any move forward. He stays still, fiddling with the envelope in his hands. 

Levi looks towards the house in question. It seems fairly inviting. It doesn’t make sense for Erwin to be stalling. 

“Well… are you going to go?” Levi prompts.

Erwin laughs nervously in return. “Yes, I just needed a moment.” He sighs, stretches his neck, and starts to walk. “I haven’t seen these people in a while.”

Levi nods his head and follows close behind. He isn’t too sure about meeting new people, but they should only be there for a few minutes. If anything, he can walk off on his own while Erwin busies himself with talking. 

Erwin knocks on the door with a heavy fist, followed by the distinct crying sounds of a baby. Calling after it is the shrill yelling of a woman, and then a man in retaliation. Levi tries to listen to what they’re saying, but fails, the words muted by the door.

A few minutes later, a man opens the door. He’s tall and weedy, with dark hair and the most disgusting moustache Levi has ever seen. However, his presence is defined and proud, and almost arrogant, in a way. 

“Erwin?” The man asks, mouth falling slack in shock.

“Nile,” Erwin says. “It’s nice to see you again.”

After blinking a few times and shaking his head, Nile smiles briefly. “I didn’t realise you were in Stohess.”

“It was… a last minute trip.”

“I see,” Nile muses, a knowing look on his face. If Levi didn’t know better, he would think that this man might know what they were up to last night. “Please, come inside.”

“I really shouldn’t,” Erwin mutters, lifting up the envelope in his hand. “I just came here to give you two this.”

It’s then that Nile looks to the side, eyes narrowing at Levi’s presence. In a few short sentences, the atmosphere crashes, with Nile and Erwin both becoming edgier and closed off. Nile steps forward to take the letter, cautiously avoiding Erwin’s personal space. 

“Is this on official business?” Nile asks.

Erwin huffs. “No. It’s a Christmas card.”

“Oh. You could have just sent it in the mail.”

“I’m in town. I thought I should stop by.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re here to talk to Mar-”

“Erwin!” 

A high pitched squeal fills Levi’s ears, followed by a heavy wince. A small woman with flowing black hair comes into view, quickly engulfing Erwin in a hug. Somewhere in between their embrace is a tiny bundle of blankets, with an infant wrapped inside. 

It was picturesque. They would be the perfect family, if only another man wasn’t standing in the background with a _very_ displeased look. 

“And who is this?” The woman gasps, pulling away from Erwin to inspect Levi.

Erwin coughs behind his hand, before introducing him. “Marie, this is Levi. He’s one of my finest soldiers.”

Marie moves forward and does the unthinkable, pulling Levi into a hug. Levi stiffens, unable to even wrap his arms around her. There's something about this woman that feels... off. Levi can't pin it down exactly, but he doesn't trust her. Not one little bit.

Awkwardly, Levi peels Marie’s limbs from his body, stepping a few feet away. Noticing Levi’s discomfort, Erwin clears his throat. 

“It was nice to see you two, but we must be leaving.”

Marie makes a noise in disgust. “Aw, Erwin. You’re not staying? You must! We hardly ever see you any more…”

Levi doesn’t like the way Marie is looking at Erwin. It’s too intimate and loving. It’s everything Levi feels for the man, but can’t possibly hope to express. In the background, Nile looks even more disgruntled, clearly hating the effect Erwin has on Marie. Levi even feels a tiny pang of sympathy for the man. 

“Come in. Stay for a cup of tea.” Marie says, before dragging Erwin in by the arm. “Your friend can come in too. I’d love to hear about how you are, and what you’re doing with the Corps…”

Marie drones on for what seems like forever, and Levi decides that this is his chance to leave now before it becomes too awkward. Levi turns around, but a voice stops him. 

“So... Levi, is it?” Nile asks. 

Levi turns back around to see that Marie has already pulled Erwin towards the couch, the pair deep in conversation. Erwin looks slightly uncomfortable with the woman, glancing towards Levi for a brief moment, before turning back.

“Yeah,” Levi replies, looking back to Nile. “Corporal Levi.”

Nile’s eyes narrow at him. “Come with me.”

Levi complies, although tentatively. He steps through the door, entering the nicely decorated house with caution. These people, whoever they are, have some money behind them. 

They enter the kitchen, and Nile starts to ready a tea pot.

“How long have you known Erwin for?” Nile asks.

“Just over a year,” Levi replies. “Why do you want to know?”

“Just curious,” Nile says, still focused on the tea. He sighs, before breaking away from the bench to face Levi. “Erwin looks at you like he used to look at Marie.”

Levi’s heart stops, a million thoughts running through his head. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Levi bites out.

“It means,” Nile says, “that he’s in love with you. Did you know that?”

“I- Don’t… You’ve got something wrong…” Levi can’t believe this man, practically a stranger to him, could deduct such a thing after only a few minutes. “Erwin- he and I- we’re not like _that._ He’s my Commander.”

Nile chuckles lightly. “I never said anything about you, although you’ve pretty much confirmed it for me anyway,” he says. “Erwin is a distant person who guards his emotions careful. You may never know how he’s truly feeling. But when it comes to love... he's hopeless, especially if you've seen it before.”

There’s a cool silence in the kitchen, and Levi wishes he could burst into flames. He feels like this man has read his mind and violated him, taking his deepest secrets and shared them with the whole world. 

And then, Nile adds, “I should thank you. Now, he barely even looks at Marie.”

Suddenly, all the pieces of the puzzle slot together within Levi’s head, and everything about this situation makes sense. 

Erwin and Marie have a history together.

“If I could give you any advice, it would be this,” Nile says, interrupting Levi’s revelation. “Don’t give your heart to Erwin. He’ll take everything from you and then leave you for his grand delusions and conspiracies.” 

The accusations trigger a spark of anger in Levi. Nobody is allowed to bad mouth Erwin, especially not some random person he met just a few minutes ago. It doesn’t matter that he’s friends with Erwin, _nobody_ has that right. 

“Of course he will, he’s a _soldier._ That’s always going to come first, for the greater good.” Levi growls. Who does this civilian think he is, anyway? He’s likely never experienced real sacrifice or courage. He knows absolutely nothing of what Erwin has had to go through to keep humanity safe.

“Just be careful,” Nile says, placing the teapot and cups on a tray, ready to carry it out. “He’s not doing this for a greater good.”

Levi processes the words, but doesn’t believe them.

Erwin has dedicated his life to the Survey Corps, and to humanity. There’s nothing selfish or delusional about that at all. Levi is sure that Nile is only spewing lies to further his own personal vendetta. There's no other possible explanation. 

\---

Levi barely has two sips of tea before Erwin forces himself out of the door. It’s clear that Erwin really doesn’t want to be there, and Levi can’t fault him for it. If only he knew what Nile had said...

Levi desperately wants to bring it up, but he decides to ask Erwin for his opinions first. The man owes him an explanation for all this, after all. 

“So Nile... what’s his deal?” Levi asks.

“He’s a Squad Leader in the Military Police-” 

_The Military Police… Well, that explains the nice house and the cowardly outlook on life._

“He married Marie… two years ago, I think. They’re a lovely couple. I met them both when I was a Cadet. Marie was a local waitress, and Nile was in my class.”

Erwin’s words seem genuine enough, with barely any animosity. Levi wants to know what went wrong between Erwin and Marie, but he doubts that he’ll ever ask. Whatever it was, it has completely negated any feelings Erwin had for the woman. Even Nile noticed it. 

“Nile… I wouldn’t trust him, if I were you,” Levi mutters. “He said…. he said some terrible things about you.”

Erwin stops walking, and turns to face Levi. “What did he say?” Erwin asks, face melting into horror. “I swear to God, Levi, it’s not what you think. Marie and I, there’s nothing there any more, I _swear_ it.”

Levi’s brow raises, slightly enjoying Erwin’s sudden fluster. “That’s not what he talked about.”

Erwin frowns, looking very confused. “Then… what did he say?” 

Levi pauses, thinking of a way to phrase his words without giving away the entire conversation. “He said… that you weren’t thinking about the greater good. That I shouldn’t trust you.”

“Oh,” Erwin mutters, before sighing. “He’s talking about my ambitions…. the true reason I joined the Corps.”

“What other reasons could you have, other than humanity?” Levi can’t understand. It doesn’t make sense for Erwin to have an ulterior motive. What could someone possibly gain from joining the Corps? It certainly isn’t money, or prestige. 

“It’s a long story,” Erwin replies. “And not a particularly easy one for me to recount.”

“We have all night, you know.”

Erwin’s expression falters, putting a slight crack in his perfectly curated facade. He looks sad, and almost broken. He's a different Erwin to the one who was joking around with him this morning. 

“Okay. I’ll tell you tonight.”

\---

The hotel room is eerily quiet, with only the flicker of a few candles burning and the occasional chatter from the room next door filling the air. Erwin and Levi are alone, sitting on the tiny couch together, facing each other uncomfortably.

Erwin takes a deep breath. “This is really hard for me.”

“I can see that,” Levi murmurs. He pushes past their boundaries and places a comforting hand on Erwin’s knee. “Just take it slow.”

Erwin sighs again, before steadying himself. “My father died when I was 8,” he explains. “His death certificate says it was a horse and carriage accident, but I think- well, _I know_ … it was murder.”

Levi nods, soaking in the information. Murder doesn’t surprise him anymore. 

“He was a school teacher, and I was only a young boy… My father had a theory about how our society was created, and why we know nothing of our history. He believed the government had taken the memories of our ancestors. He believed… well, he _knew,_ that for whatever reason, the government wants us to stay ignorant of the outside world.”

“That makes sense,” Levi mutters. He’s trying to keep an open mind, although mind control might be too far fetched to believe. 

“He told me about the theory… and without realising what I was doing, I told other people about it too.” Erwin’s body starts to shake, as tears spill onto his cheeks. “The wrong people found out, and my father was killed.”

“It’s okay.” Levi leans into Erwin’s body, wrapping his arms around his chest. It’s a lame attempt to comfort him, but Levi doesn’t know what else to do.

“It’s not okay… I _killed_ my father-”

“Stop that,” Levi says, pulling away so he can grab Erwin’s face. “You did nothing wrong.”

“But I-”

“No, Erwin. Stop it. Blaming yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

Erwin offers a weak smile and takes Levi’s hands into his own, prying them from his face. He looks regretful, as if he were apologising. “If only you knew… just how selfish I really am…”

“Then tell me, Erwin,” Levi says defiantly. “Not even Nile could change my opinion of you.”

“You would hate me for it.”

“I would not,” Levi says. “Just _tell me._ ”

"I can't… I’m too ashamed."

Levi sighs. It doesn’t seem like this conversation is going very far, so he changes the subject before Erwin starts sobbing. “Okay. I won’t push it… But just so you know, I don’t think of you any differently. What’s in the past is in the past… I don’t judge you for it.”

_Just like you don’t judge me for the horrors of my past._

“Thanks.” Erwin’s voice breaks mid word, and Levi melts. He wants nothing more than to embrace this man and care for him, but nothing will change the fact that they broke up for a very good reason.

“It’s alright,” Levi says. “And for what it’s worth… I don’t like Nile. He’s an asshole. And Marie? She’s too loud.”

Erwin chuckles as he rubs at the moisture under his eyes, drying the skin beneath. He seems to be coming back to the earlier version of himself, his smile growing by the second.

“Thanks, Levi.”

“No problem, asshole.”

Erwin sighs and sinks further into the couch, still staring at Levi. “You’re amazing. Not just right now, but last night too.”

“Just doing my job,” Levi mutters, looking away as Erwin’s eyes start burning holes through his chest. Unwillingly, a blush forms on his cheeks.

“You were in control the second things started turning south. You knew what to do and how to do it with decisive and clear decision making. You’re going to make a great Squad Leader, Levi.”

This conversation has gone too far, and Levi knows he needs to cut it off. With too much praise, Levi knows he'll start melting and his control will waver. He should get up and go to bed, or start talking about military business or strategy. But instead, he decides to put his foot in his mouth, further exacerbating the situation. 

“Flattery isn’t going to get my legs to open for you. Neither is smiling so much... although... I do love your smile.”

_Oh shit._

“You like my smile?”

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._

“I guess?” Levi says, looking down at his hands. “You don’t smile often, so when you do, it’s nice…”

“For some reason, I can’t hold it back,” Erwin’s voice dips, “when I’m around you.”

Levi’s hands clench into fists, trying so desperately to hold onto his self-control. But all he wants to do, all he can think about, is flinging himself into Erwin’s arms and losing himself to the touch. His want, his _need_ , for Erwin burns so far and so deep, the wounds won’t ever mend…

“We’re crossing a dangerous line, Erwin…”

“I know.”

“And this is so fucking wrong-"

“I know.”

“And I hate this so much-”

“I know.”

“But I just can’t resist you, no matter how hard I try.”

Nervously, Levi lifts his head to meet Erwin’s gaze. He looks eager, but also calm, just like he always is. Levi, on the other hand, can barely breathe, the space between them too thick with nervous energy and tension. A staring match has begun between them, and already, Levi wants to give in and close his eyes.

They live and fight for humanity every single day, without rest. But tonight, they live for themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me at @spinsy on tumblr. Please leave a comment if you liked it!! Thanks for reading as always.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to come out before Christmas, as a gift to my readers. But I got sick and ended up in hospital, so that never actually happened. Merry belated Christmas anyway!! I hope you enjoy.
> 
> This chapter follows directly from the last chapter.

Levi initiates the first kiss, a light brush of skin against skin. It isn’t passionate or deep, but simple. Like a welcome. When Erwin doesn’t pull away, Levi inches closer, practically falling into Erwin’s arms. Erwin takes him, cradles him, and Levi breathes in relieved sighs.

When they kiss again, a fire ignites; every touch warms Levi’s skin a little bit more than the last, forming a crescendo of blazing heat and ferocious desire. Erwin’s hands are on his hips and back and thighs, in his hair and under his shirt, clutching at his flesh, and digging into his being. 

It isn’t long before Levi is picked up and carried away, heavy in Erwin’s arms. 

“What do you want this to be?” Erwin asks before they undress, gazing at Levi through lust filled eyes. His desire is palpable in the air.

“I want this to be us… just us,” Levi replies in between his heaving breaths. “I want to _live._ ”

Erwin nods, like Levi’s simple yet broken words are law. He takes Levi into another kiss, pressing him into the sheets. Clothes are peeled off their bodies with kisses and bites, tongues touching skin and trailing behind hot breaths of air. They speak through glances and moans, both reaching towards the same goal.

The moment Erwin presses into him, Levi loses all thought. The feeling is even better than he what remembers of their nights together. Erwin is the same man, of course, but this form of sex is different. Deeper. Their bodies meld together, one person joining another, over and over again. 

When Erwin leads, Levi falls.

\---

Levi wakes to sunlight again, much like the day before. This time, his body is shielded by another. Heat rises in Levi’s body as he remembers the night before. There’s a tender feeling between his legs and an ache in his muscles. He can feel a sticky film of sweat and saliva covering most of his body, making him wince in disgust.

Yes, they definitely crossed a line.

“Erwin, get up,” Levi murmurs, nudging Erwin with his elbow.

“Mmm nah... what?” Erwin wakes with confusion, with an adorable slur in his speech. “Is this… Levi?”

“No, it’s Nile.”

Erwin bolts upright upon hearing that, rubbing his eyes to stare at Levi in shock. His expression fades quickly, sighing back into the bed.

“Oh man,” Erwin mutters, hands threading through his hair. “For a second there… _ugh._ ”

Levi snorts, throwing a pillow at Erwin and hauling himself to his feet. He needs to get out of here before Erwin can have a chance to talk. But before Levi can retreat, a blackness fills his head, spinning around and around in circles. 

_Damn it, I stood up too soon._

“Levi?” Erwin asks. “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, we’re okay,” Levi replies. He rushes out of the room anyway, locking himself in the bathroom. He falls against the door, sliding down the wood to land on the freezing tiled floor.

Levi has no idea how he’s going to fix this. Or if he can, at all.

\---

“Really guys?” Mike says, pinching his nose as Levi and Erwin walk up to him. “You couldn’t have waited until we got back to HQ? Now I have to spend a whole carriage with you two smelling like-”

“Yes, we know,” Erwin says, looking to Levi, who can only scowl and look away in turn. A pang fills Erwin’s chest as Levi dismisses him. Yesterday they were sharing longing glances, but today, Levi will barely look at him. “We weren’t... thinking properly. We apologise.”

“That’s okay,” Mike grunts. “As long as you had fun.”

Levi makes a noise of disgust and turns to busy himself with their bags, loading them onto the carriage, the scowl on his face only deepening further. Erwin wishes he could take Levi’s face into his hands and relax those frown lines, but that would require Levi to actually _want_ him, when it's clear that he views last night as a mistake.

“Did I say something wrong?” Mike asks. 

Erwin shakes his head. “No. He just… doesn’t like to talk about it,” he says under his breath, low enough so that Levi can’t hear. “How was your brother?”

“Frustrating as per usual,” Mike replies. “Not that I expected anything different.”

Erwin places a hand on Mike’s shoulder, comforting the other man. He knows that Mike’s familial problems are almost as painful as his own, and having just confronted his demons last night, he knows the feeling of frustration and hurt associated. 

“Are we ready to go?” Levi says, barging through the conversation and parting the two men. “The quicker we get going, the quicker the driver can take a shit.”

Mike dismisses Levi’s poor manners and pulls himself into the carriage. Erwin follows, sitting down next to Mike, leaving Levi with an entire bench to himself. 

Levi sits down, folds his arms, and stares out the window, where he continues to look for the majority of the ride. Every once in awhile, Erwin catches Levi’s gaze, holding it for a few seconds before Levi’s frown grows inevitably deeper. It isn’t hostile, Erwin notices. In fact, it looks like Levi is deep in thought, barely registering Erwin or Mike’s presence, lost in his mind. 

Erwin holds onto hope, albeit foolishly. He’s always given Levi his space when he’s needed it. Maybe, this is just the same.

\---

It’s the first thing Erwin says when they leave the carriage, disembarking out the front of HQ. The formidable castle is a looming presence, giving Erwin the strength to say what he needs to say. His feelings for Levi don’t negate the fact that he’s the Commander, and he still has to run a regiment.

“I need you in my office after you’ve finished unpacking, Corporal Levi,” Erwin says it like a command, strong and steady. The order forces Levi to freeze, back rigid and limbs stiff. 

Erwin knows the power he wields. 

“Yes, sir,” Levi replies, distantly gathering his things. He looks to Erwin with narrowed eyes, unafraid to pass by him and leave.

Mike looks between the two of them, but doesn’t question it.

\---

When Levi enters Erwin’s office without knocking, slamming the door behind him with a deafening bang, Erwin prepares himself for yelling or screaming. He prepares himself for a fight, with Levi’s anger directed at him with full force.

Instead, Levi buries his head in his hands.

“Levi?” Erwin questions, approaching him slowly.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Levi mutters, fingers digging into his skull, pulling at his hair. Erwin wants to wrap his hands in his own, protecting his skin from the damage. But Levi needs to come to him first.

Erwin has never changed his intentions. Ever since he first kissed Levi, he’s been devoted to their relationship. Once they started something, he knew how hard it would be to stop. He made a decision. It was all, or nothing. 

Erwin can tell that Levi thinks differently. Levi, who has pulled away from him too many times to count, finds the pressure of their emotional connection difficult to comprehend. In some ways, Erwin has too. But he's never denied what was the truth. 

“Levi,” Erwin says. “Breathe for me, okay?”

Levi’s hands drop to reveal a face stained by tears, eyes red with irritation. 

“I can’t do it. I can’t break up with you again.” Levi takes careful steps until his face is buried in Erwin’s uniform, hiding himself in a different way. “I want you too much.”

“I’m here for you,” Erwin says, arms curling around Levi’s form. “I’ve always been here for you, and I always will. There’s no pressure, and I don’t expect anything from you. But I’ll always be here if you need me.”

Levi’s body is a weapon placed in Erwin’s hands, available to use and abuse as he likes. Erwin could give the order to sacrifice his life, and he would. Erwin could give the order to kill, and Levi would consider it, at the very least. There isn’t much that Levi would object to, but he’s still his own person, unafraid to defy him when he deems it necessary. 

Erwin can’t force Levi to love him. Erwin can’t force Levi to be comfortable with him. He can only offer to help, but the decision is Levi’s alone.

And in this moment, Levi decides to kiss him. Tear stained lips press into his own, as Levi pulls himself up to Erwin’s height with great difficulty. There’s a desperation, but also a gentleness, like it’s the only place Levi can find solace in this wretched world.

Erwin puts him down. “We should talk more before we… you know.”

Levi steps back a little, wiping his lips, and his face, and nodding. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Now or later?” Erwin puts the ball in Levi’s court, for him to decide.

“Later. A few days. I need to sort my shit out, calm myself down… I wasn’t expecting to deal with this any time soon.”

“Of course…” 

“But-” Levi starts, stopping to catch a breath. “I want to… figure something out.”

“Okay,” Erwin says, with a sigh. “Okay. We can do that.”

\---

The castle becomes practically vacant after two days, with the majority of soldiers taking leave to visit their families. Christmas is supposed to be a happy family holiday, after all. But Levi’s never seen it that way.

Without the hustle and bustle of the Corps to keep Levi busy and occupied, he quickly becomes bored. Hanji and Mike have stayed behind too, but there’s only so much time Levi can spend with them before he wants to tear his hair out. 

And then there’s Erwin, who's become unavoidable now. He still works in his office for most of the day, but he’s slowly started eating in the cafeteria again. Without soldiers to fill up the space, Levi has no choice but to be in Erwin’s presence for long chunks of time. 

It’s quickly becoming apparent to Levi that there’s only one choice to make. There was only ever one choice he _could_ make.

On the eve of Christmas, Levi has a small dinner with Mike, Hanji and Erwin. There’s the meagre serving of meat between them, and a modest salad to share. No dessert. 

Erwin sits on one side of the table, while Levi sits on the other. They talk together within the group, but never directly to each other. Instead, they stare too much, eyes drawn together like magnets. 

It isn’t long before Hanji and Mike say their farewells, leaving them alone in silence, forcing them to either leave or confront the situation at hand.

“Dinner was nice,” Levi says, even though he barely had a bite. Meat tastes like rubber in his mouth. 

“It was,” Erwin replies, taking a sip of water. “Hanji has done a good job with the cooking.”

Erwin looks at him in expectation, waiting for the opening line, but Levi still doesn’t know what to say. He knows what he wants, and needs, but asking for it is daunting. Making long-term decisions like this has always been daunting for him.

Levi stands. “I can’t do this sitting so far from you. It feels like a business meeting.” He takes Mike’s seat, the one on Erwin’s left, and angles himself towards Erwin.

“We don’t need to do this-”

“We do,” Levi says. “We’ve put it off for too long.”

Erwin shrugs and nods. “Okay. Say what you need to.”

“I don’t think we could ever go back to being what we were…” Levi winces at his words. They seem harsh, but it needs to be said. “I think we’re different people from who we were back then, and I think we need to be more rational and mature about it this time. We need to acknowledge how this affects our jobs.”

“After the first attack from the armoured titan, you mentioned that we were harming our professional relationship. Was that your only concern?” Erwin asks. 

“It was my main concern,” Levi mutters. “You’re brilliant, Erwin. A genius. I shouldn’t be distracting you from our goals. From saving humanity. We need to keep both aspects of our relationship separate, as best we can. Our professional lives must always be our top priority.” Levi pauses, before shaking his head. “I’ve been talking too much. What are your thoughts?”

“I’ve been thinking about our future,” Erwin murmurs, placing his hands on the table. “One day, you’ll become a Squad Leader. I trust you more than I trust anyone else....” Erwin interrupts his speech to chuckle. “Isn’t that ridiculous? Over a year ago, you were trying to kill me... and now…”

_We’re here. Together._

“Anyway, we’ll be working closely for the rest of our lives. This isn’t something we can push away. We’ll always have to face it, in some way. I think communication is our main problem. We need to… talk about our feelings more.”

If there’s one thing Levi hates talking about, it’s his feelings. But Erwin is right. He has to put his big boy pants on and suck it up.

“I like the sound of that…” Levi lies. “Maybe we could set aside time. Once a week, unless there’s an irregularity in our schedule.”

“Yes, that’s a good idea,” Erwin muses. “We’ll also have to renegotiate… the terms.”

Levi nods. “That too.”

Levi doesn’t allow himself to hope, ever. But even so, having Erwin back… would ease some of the stress and torment he’s been feeling. Not just because he won’t be battling against the feelings he harbours for Erwin, but also because of the relief he might gain under Erwin’s hands. He craves that sweet release more than he would like to admit.

“On another note,” Erwin says, “I got you a gift. Well, two gifts.”

Levi sits stunned to his chair. “Two gifts? Why?”

“One for Christmas… and one for your birthday.”

Levi has never written his birthday down on any of his military documents, and there’s only one living person that Levi has ever spoken about his birthday to.

“Fucking Hanji,” Levi mutters with a shake of his head. “Thank you for the thought, but I don’t need any presents.”

“Well, I already bought them for you. It would be a waste if I threw them out.” Erwin grins, with a slight hint of mischief in his eyes. “Do you mind accompanying me to my room?”

Levi blushes at Erwin’s unnecessary use of manners. 

“Uh, sure.”

\---

Erwin opens the door for him first, ushering Levi inside. Levi tries to act casual, like this means nothing to him, and their baggage isn’t messy or complicated. They’re just soldiers, and friends. It’s simple. This situation is simple.

But Levi knows he’s deluding himself. 

“Here,” Erwin says, picking up two boxes from his bedside table. “For Christmas. And your birthday.”

Levi takes the boxes on instinct, but he’s too stunned to do anything about it. He stands in the middle of the room, suddenly dumbfounded. The idea of Erwin giving him gifts is one thing, but actually holding the gifts in his hands are another. It’s almost absurd. 

“Do you want to sit down?” Erwin asks, with slight concern in his voice. He side steps so that Levi can sit on his bed, and Levi follows. 

“I-” Levi starts, before gulping. Suddenly, he feels very guilty. “I’m sorry, I- uh… I didn’t get you anything.”

“Oh,” Erwin says, a graceful smile on his face. “That’s okay, you don’t need to.”

“No, I- I should have thought about it more-”

“Levi, it’s okay.”

Levi stares at Erwin. “I’ve never actually… celebrated Christmas before.” 

To be honest, Levi doesn’t really know the purpose of Christmas. For some unknown reason, people above the ground gave out gifts on his birthday. Nobody in the Underground would dare give away their hard earned money for a holiday, and Levi thought much the same. He'd rather have food to eat than give out gifts. 

“In the Underground… nobody ever… did this,” Levi struggles to explain. “We just kind of ignored the day altogether.”

Erwin nods like it’s acceptable. “Some people above the ground don’t celebrate it either, for various reasons. The original Christmas day is a tradition from before the walls were created, and most information about its origins are taboo…”

“It is?” Levi asks, slightly surprised. He’s honestly never heard about this before. 

“My father used to tell me about it…” Erwin softens. “Before the Walls, there were many religions. Most religions had Gods that weren’t contained inside any physical manifestation, but were instead holy spirits that created all life and land. One God had a son named Jesus, who was born on the 25th of December…”

“Same birthday as me,” Levi mutters. “I could be a God’s son too.”

Erwin chuckles. “Christmas presents are supposed to be offerings for Jesus, after all. But in these times, it’s just a holiday to spend with your loved ones.”

A warmth wraps around Levi’s chest, so tight he can barely breathe, consuming his heart with only one thought.

_Loved one._

“You should open your presents now,” Erwin says, tapping on the boxes in his lap. “I’m excited to see your reaction.”

Levi leans his head forward, crashing into Erwin’s body. He tips his head, pressing his lips to the side of Erwin’s neck, lingering there with a soft suck. Erwin nuzzles, welcoming Levi in.

“Thank you,” Levi murmurs, his arms wrapping around the bulk of Erwin’s body. “For everything.”

On top of Erwin’s bed, they eat the small chocolate cake contained in box one, feeding from each other’s fingers and lips. The next morning, they sit down for tea, using the tea set contained in box two. 

Mike and Hanji observe the scene with knowing smirks. It was only a matter of time, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta reader sugoilevi for all her hard work!! You can find me @spinsy on tumblr, as usual.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess you weren't expecting me back so soon, eh?? I caught the writing bug, I guess. 
> 
> A quick warning for this chapter, as it involves the use of safewords during sex and the discussion of ignoring a safeword in the past. There isn't any explicit or implied non-consensual sex, but there are discussions of past "rape play" kink in a relationship. The language and emotions surrounding the scene could potentially be confronting to those who are easily triggered by it. Be safe lovelies!!! The scene starts at "Some nights, they sleep alone." and ends at "Even by Levi himself."

Slowly, the Survey Corps Headquarters starts to refill with soldiers after the holiday, and Levi can practically feel Erwin’s excitement through the walls of the castle. With the money they “earned” from the Underground job, and with a little bribery to the nobles, the Survey Corps has finally scheduled a planned expedition beyond the walls. 

Erwin announces his plans to the Corps with pride in his eyes, and Levi smiles at the sight. He’s proud of Erwin, and all that he’s achieved. They’re finally back on track, and they can go back to doing what they’ve been trained to do.

Killing titans.

The expedition is fairly simple in concept. Ride to the town of Walden, situated about an hour from Trost. From there, they’ll find a storage shed, mostly filled with military supplies and the riches of nobles. The Survey Corps will take what they can, and deliver the items back to their owners. Or in the case of the military supplies, keep it for themselves. 

While that mission is being carried out, Mike and Hanji’s squad will attempt to set up a temporary base at the town, with look outs, hiding spots and supply stations. There will come a time when the Survey Corps will attempt to take back Wall Maria, and every little foundation of groundwork is necessary.

And, for the first time ever, Hanji’s research plans have been formally approved. If Hanji’s and Mike’s Squads are successful in completing the setup of the base camp, then they’ll proceed further south on an informal scouting mission. Mike’s Squad will take down the titans, while Hanji’s Squad observes. 

Finally, it feels like they might actually win this fight.

\---

“I think we can agree that all the rules from our old negotiation should still stand,” Erwin says, with a look up to Levi, who’s perched on his desk in front of him. It's becoming a ritual for Levi to sit on Erwin's desk at night, when nobody will walk in on them. He likes the view. “Is there anything you’d like to detract?”

Levi muses with a frown. No, their old negotiation was fairly air tight. The only changes he wants to make are additions.

“I only want one thing,” Levi says. “A promise… to treat me like every other soldier. On the battlefield, you were either overcompensating or giving me preferential treatment. It can’t happen again.”

Erwin nods, his hands wringing together in his lap. “Okay. Do you have any suggestions how to try and combat this?”

Levi thinks about last time, and the events that lead up to that point. It was their first expedition since they had started fucking, and they were both battling their feelings for each other. Their communication was almost non-existent, and Levi was still new to the troubles of life as a soldier. He took all of Erwin’s comfort, and thought about none of the consequences. 

The most prominent memory that stands out to Levi is the night before the expedition. The sex they had was full of desperation as they silently said goodbye to each other in the only way they knew how. Levi ended up sleeping over in Erwin’s bed, which only caused more feelings to break into the surface of their skin. It was an overwhelming and confusing moment for both of them.

They couldn’t always be emotionless robots, but the night before an expedition shouldn’t be spent in an emotionally compromised state like that. They need to be fresh, and clear, without bias. 

“No sleeping together the night before an expedition,” Levi says.

“Okay,” Erwin replies, agreeing, “I’ll make sure we enforce that, along with our scheduled weekly talks. Anything else?”

Levi shakes his head, and they seal the deal with a kiss.

\---

Some nights, they sleep alone. Other nights, they end up in bed together.

There isn’t any set agreement about it, aside from the rule excluding expedition nights. They started sharing a bed together, and it just felt _right._ To fuck or cuddle or just simply be together, it doesn’t really matter to Levi. Most of the time he spends in Erwin’s presence helps him unwind and relax. He likes to think that Erwin feels the same way, too. 

Tonight, Erwin is teasing Levi, alternating between fucking him with his fingers and sucking him into his mouth. He’s brutal with his ministrations, while also giving Levi gentle caresses to his hips and chest, slowly bringing Levi to the edge of release, only to pull away at the last second. 

“Sir,” Levi gasps, as he continues to lose himself. “I don’t- ah, please stop! I- _fuck,_ I can’t take it anymore.” 

Erwin pauses, fingers stilling inside Levi. It’s only when the pleasure stops that Levi fully registers the words he’s said. Erwin might be faltering because he’s never shown any fake resistance during sex before. Or, it could be for another reason. 

Of course, Levi doesn’t genuinely want Erwin to stop. In fact, his words mean the opposite. He wants Erwin to keep going, to keep teasing him, to keep pushing him to the brink so he can finally fall into that blissful state he craves so, _so_ much. He wants to feel the pleasure down to his bones, over and over again, as he clings to Erwin and takes all he's got.

There are only two words that could tell Erwin otherwise, and Levi hasn't yet said them. 

“I mean-” Levi mutters, hands scrambling to grab at Erwin’s body. “I want it, I _need_ it. I just- I- fuck me harder, please.”

Erwin jerks away. “Red,” he gasps, his eyes wide open with a kind of torment Levi has never seen on his face before. He looks shocked by the word he's uttered, like it came from Levi’s mouth, and not his own.

It takes Levi several moments to fully comprehend what Erwin has said, simply staring at his partner in shared shock. By the time he registers what the word means, Erwin has backed himself to the other side of the bed, knees folded into his chest. It’s the smallest Erwin has ever looked.

Levi sits upright, but doesn’t dare make a move towards Erwin’s space.

_Green… Yellow… Red._

He’s never had a partner use a safeword with him.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin finally says, breaking their silence. 

“No, it’s fine,” Levi mutters. “You don’t need to apologise.”

“I need a moment,” Erwin says quickly, firmly. Levi can’t do anything but comply, continuing to give Erwin his space, even if he wants to reach out and comfort Erwin so desperately. 

If Levi had been the one who used their safeword, he’d be craving gentle affection and reassurance right now. He’d want Erwin to praise him for telling the truth and following the rules of their negotiation. He’d want Erwin to reassure him that everything would be okay, and that he’d still be here when he woke up. That he wouldn’t leave him over this. 

Levi feels like he should be giving Erwin some sort of aftercare, similar to how he treats Levi after a particularly rough session. But Erwin isn’t like Levi, and his needs are different.

“I’m sorry- I had a bad memory, that’s all.”

“Was it what I said? About stopping?” Levi asks, as soft as he can. “It was a slip of the tongue. I didn’t mean it.”

“I know,” Erwin says, sliding off the bed to pick up his clothes. “Again, bad memories.” He tugs his shirt over his head, going through the motions of getting dressed. 

“Wait-” Levi says, reaching out with his arm, even though Erwin is too far away to grasp. “We should talk about this. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you use the safeword, right? Talk about it so it doesn’t happen again…”

Erwin looks back at Levi with an expression that can only be described as pride. Erwin had taken it upon himself to teach Levi safer sex practices, and in this moment, the education has paid off. He can’t argue with his own logic. 

“Okay,” Erwin surrenders, dropping the rest of his clothes. He sits next to Levi, without any physical touch. “We can talk about it.”

“The bad memory - was it you, or someone else?” Levi asks the question carefully and sensitively. He doesn’t know what triggered Erwin’s memory, but it mustn’t be pretty. 

“Both, I guess,” Erwin sighs. “It has to do with Marie. We had been together for a year when she decided that… she wanted to spice things up, I guess. We started out with some light play; spanking, slapping, just rough sex in general. I liked it, she liked it, so we explored it more.”

Levi nods. The story sounds somewhat familiar to him. He'd also realised, after a few different experiences, that he liked sex more when his partners were rough. After that, his desires seemed to spiral from there. What started out as fun and innocent quickly became a bigger beast to control. 

However, it's Marie that surprises Levi. From their brief meeting, Levi never would have suspected her as the type. 

“She really liked roleplay. She called me names, and begged me to call her something degrading in turn. It was innocent at the time, I guess. I don’t mind pretending to be someone else.” 

But it’s clear that Erwin _does_ mind. It’s one of the few limits Erwin had put forward during their negotiation, and Levi has never forgotten that fact. 

“One day, she took it in a… different direction. She started off by struggling against me. I thought she was just overwhelmed.” Erwin darkens. “And then she started telling me to stop, so I did. Even though she didn’t safeword, it didn’t sit well with me. Having sex like that...”

“You didn’t like it,” Levi finishes. 

“No, I didn’t,” Erwin sighs. “I used the safeword, she still continued, and I had to remove myself from the situation. After that… we were never quite the same. We realised we were two very different people with different needs and ambitions. She wanted to start a family, while I devoted myself to the Survey Corps… it was never going to be.”

“I’m sorry, Erwin,” Levi says, almost ashamed. “I should have thought about what I was saying before I… said it. I'm _really_ sorry.” Levi could say sorry a million times, but it wouldn't matter. He'd still want to apologise for causing Erwin pain. 

“How were you supposed to know?” Erwin looks to him with a small smile. He inches closer. “I never told you. It’s my own fault.”

“I promise I won’t do anything like it again,” Levi vows.

“I know,” Erwin lifts a hand to Levi’s hair, carding his fingers through his shiny black locks. Levi bends his head, nudging into the touch. “I trust you, Levi.”

Levi sighs under Erwin’s hands, and words, relieved at the forgiveness that Erwin is showing him. He turns to Erwin’s right arm and presses a kiss into the flesh, trailing down to the top of his wrist. He hovers above the scar on Erwin’s right hand, etched into his skin by Levi’s sword over a year ago. The red raw scar tissue has faded into a pale ghost, but the mark stays as a reminder that Erwin is human.

That Erwin can break, and be broken. Even by Levi himself. 

“I want to take care of you, for once,” Levi mutters into Erwin’s palm. “I want to serve you, to pleasure you… will you allow that? Just for tonight?”

Erwin nudges Levi’s face upwards, staring into his eyes. “What are the safewords?”

“Green, yellow, red,” Levi recites faithfully.

“And you promise not to lie to me?”

“I promise, sir,” Levi replies, his body melding into obedience before Erwin. “I will never lie to you.”

Erwin nods, laying back on the mattress. “Yes, Levi. Green. You can do as you wish.”

Levi starts by peeling away Erwin’s shirt, the one which he had hastily put back on just minutes before. He chucks it to the ground, and leans back to view Erwin’s body for himself.

Powerful. Strong. Handsome. 

“ _Beautiful,_ ” Levi mutters, bending down to take Erwin’s body into his arms. He starts with small kisses to Erwin’s face, like tiny butterflies against his sun kissed skin. Erwin closes his eyes and takes it all in, the feeling of Levi’s mouth worshipping him. Levi slowly trails down Erwin’s body, kissing and touching all over, leaving no patch of skin untouched. 

After a while, Erwin grows restless, turning them around so he can grind against Levi’s thighs. His face is strained, fighting desperately to keep in control. But Levi can see it himself; he’s slowly falling apart.

“Patience,” Levi murmurs, bringing Erwin back down into the mattress, and into his body. “I’ll give you what you need.” 

He decides to stroke Erwin to completion in his hand, softly bringing him to orgasm as the man shakes and shudders in his arms. He holds Erwin’s face close to his own, drinking in the cries and moans of the man beside him. 

When Erwin falls into a fitful sleep, deaf to any noise around him, Levi finally says the words aloud.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!! If you liked it, consider dropping me a line in the comments or at my tumblr (spinsy). Thanks to my beta sugoilevi for all her hard work :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! Sorry for the delay here. Real life got in the way.
> 
> This is a bit of a weird chapter, with a lot of different ideas. Sorry in advance.

“The supplies have been finalised and the final orders have been drawn,” Erwin declares, throwing his pen down on his desk. He’s been like that for hours, bent over paperwork and slaving away, whilst Levi has read a book in the background.

“Finally,” Levi mutters under his breath. He stands and makes his way over. “Will you take a break now?”

Erwin gives Levi an apologetic smile. “Sorry… I have to mail them all off now.”

Levi sighs, and looks to the clock on the wall. It’s almost midnight. He was hoping to get a little action tonight, but by the time Erwin finishes the mail it will be way past the point of caring. 

“Give me half the stack,” Levi says, dragging his chair around the desk so that he’s now sitting beside Erwin. “I’ll help you, and then we’ll get to bed.”

“You don’t have to do that-”

“Yes I do,” Levi demands, refusing to budge in his place. “Give me the damn envelopes, asshole.”

Erwin smiles and hands them over. He knows when he can win a fight, and now is not one of those times. He’s too tired, and Levi is too stubborn. 

They work in silence, the scratching sound of paper moving against paper bringing a close to the night. Levi doesn’t mind. Not really.

\---

Levi wakes in the early hours of the next morning, with an ache in his wrist and a thrum in his head. The ache in his wrist is manageable. Ever since his first run in with the Armoured Titan, he’s had fleeting aches and pains in his wrist. They’re an irritation, and last for minutes.

The thrum in his head, not so much. It isn’t something that can be healed with painkillers, or time. But still, Levi lives with it anyway. It weakens by Erwin’s side. 

He exits Erwin’s bed with careful precision and movement, so that the other man doesn’t wake. It’s still an hour before first rise, and Erwin needs all the sleep he can get.

Walking through the cold halls of the castle don’t do much to wake Levi up, but by the time he reaches the cafeteria, the noises of almost a hundred new trainees wake him up. They’re too damn energetic for his liking, talking boisterously about what they assume the day will be like.

He sighs and makes his way over to Mike, who sits with the other officers chosen to lead the special training. The expedition is a month away and the trainees still have a lot to learn. Most notably, the long range scouting formation. 

Levi looks amongst the faces of the trainees. Some are young, but most are middle aged, and likely transfers from the Garrison. It’s a much larger amount than last year's recruitment, but that isn’t surprising. The fall of Wall Maria has inspired a larger amount of people to join the cause.

Even so, it isn’t nearly enough soldiers to reclaim Wall Maria. For that, they will have to wait another two years when the first wave of trainees come through the new training system, led by Shadis. Cadet numbers have grown exponentially under the refugee crises and the famine, which can only mean good things for the Survey Corps.

For Levi, it just means watching more people become titan food.

“Are you excited to run some of the drills today, Levi?” Mike asks as he shovels food into his mouth. They’ll probably have to skip lunch. 

Levi shrugs. “Maybe. As long as the trainees aren’t a pain.”

“They’re usually not too bad. It takes a special type of person to choose the Survey Corps for a career, and rude people usually aren’t that type.”

Mike’s words don’t stop Levi from worrying about insolence. This is the first time he’s been in any leadership position, and the potential to fail is massive. He could disappoint Erwin, who has put so much faith in him. 

Levi grimaces. “Let’s just get it over with, yeah?”

\---

It isn’t all bad, Levi concludes. Most of the recruits are rusty, having forgotten the majority of their 3DMG training. Levi can’t blame them for that. They’ve never had a reason to use it before now.

Walking along the lines, he can see a few standout soldiers. He hopes they’ll end up in Mike’s Squad. It would make his job a lot easier if he had them to rely on out in the battlefield.

A few hours in, Erwin approaches him from behind, a hand to his shoulder. “Morning,” Erwin says, a tired tilt to his voice.

“Morning,” Levi replies, lightly shaking Erwin’s hand off his shoulder. There are too many people around for them to be seen so close. “Did you have a good sleep in?”

“Yes. Much to my dismay,” Erwin says. “You should have woken me.”

“You need the sleep.”

Erwin looks sideways. “Not that much sleep.”

“You still need it.”

Growing closer to Erwin has become an escape for Levi, but that doesn’t mean that Erwin isn’t still a human, with flaws, just like anyone else. He has a tendency jiggle his legs when bored, and he steals too much of the blanket from their bed. 

But there's one particular flaw that Levi has found to be Erwin's most annoying flaw; he's just as stubborn as Levi is, if not more.

“Arguing with you is frustrating,” Erwin murmurs, a deep frown on his face. _Touché,_ Levi thinks.

He turns away from Erwin, watching the trainees with a keen eye. He isn’t going to get into a personal argument right now. Not while he’s working.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Levi says. “Get back to work.”

Erwin doesn’t reply, and Levi doesn’t need him to.

\---

“I was just looking out for you. Most people would be thankful.”

“But it’s not your decision to make. I need to keep on top of work, and waking up early-”

“First call wasn’t for another few hours. You don’t need to be awake until then.”

“But if the rest of my soldiers are up and I’m not-”

“They don’t care. Nobody cares.”

“But I-”

“Stop trying to kill yourself!” 

Erwin ceases the argument at those words, taking an automatic step back from Levi. He’s hit a nerve now, and Levi knows it. So he pushes forward, intentionally provoking Erwin into submission.

“You’re killing yourself, and you don’t need to,” Levi says firmly. “Yes, it’s a hard job. But that doesn’t mean you need to be a martyr. You don’t need to slave away until you kill yourself.”

“The rest of the human race depends on it…” Erwin mutters, trailing off. “I can’t take a break. I _can’t,_ with good conscience.” 

It almost always comes back to Erwin’s guilt. 

“Then let me help,” Levi says softly, breaking through Erwin’s barriers, stepping forward to take his hands into his own. “Give me more work. Place some of the burden on my shoulders. I’m the reason you didn’t wake up. Blame it on me. Hate me, if you need to. I won’t regret looking out for you.” _To save you._

Erwin lets out a shuddering breath, his hands slowly clinging onto Levi’s own. It isn't soon before it feels like Levi is carrying all of Erwin's weight. “I could never hate you.”

Levi takes his own shaky breath. Sometimes, he wonders. What would it take for Erwin to hate him? How far can he push, until Erwin discards him to the wayside, abandoned? Levi will never admit that sometimes, the questions haunt him at night.

Erwin steps forward, hands grasping onto Levi’s sides, pulling him forward into an embrace. “What are we even arguing about?” Erwin laughs into the top of Levi’s head, soft in his hair. 

“Your workaholic tendencies, as per usual,” Levi sighs, pulling away slightly so he can take Erwin’s face into his hands. “Are we good now?”

“Yeah,” Erwin murmurs, staring into Levi’s dark brown eyes, a hand now on his cheek, brushing at the edges of his hair. Erwin’s touch burns into Levi’s soul, just like it always has. “We’re good.”

They stay in silence for a while, as Erwin finishes the last of his work. He’s methodical, as always, working from one side of his desk to the other, with quick flourishes of his pen. He only pauses a few times, stopping to think through his words before staining the parchment with ink.

When Erwin finishes, he beckons Levi over with a simple flick of his wrist. Levi follows the sight of his hand to his eyes, narrow and darkened in their view of Levi. It’s blatantly clear that Erwin is in the mood. 

Erwin lifts him into a kiss, just like he usually does to compensate for their height difference, only this time, he’s pressing forward with force that Levi hasn’t seen before. It isn’t a force of strength, or power - but desperation, most likely for release.

Erwin presses forward until Levi’s back collides with the wall in a thump, knocking the wind out of him and taking his breath. Erwin resumes kissing him, taking more from him, until Levi has to tip his head back to breathe, forcing Erwin’s mouth to latch onto his neck.

Spontaneous office sex wasn’t planned. Not on Levi part. But now that Erwin has pushed him into a wall, he can’t bare to say no.

“I’m not-” Levi stutters. “I’m not ready, there’s no lube.”

“Do you trust me?” Erwin asks, with eyes of clear blue clarity.

“Yes,” Levi replies. He always does. 

And it burns.

Even as Erwin presses into him, seeking out his heat, his warmth, his _everything_ , Levi burns through the crescendo of fire. The pain only seeks to strengthen him, to fulfil him, and to comfort him. But the pleasure also makes him delirious, and his body weakens further in Erwin’s arms, until he's all but a doll for Erwin to use how he wants. 

Suddenly, the thrum in his head isn’t so loud. 

“Levi, I-” Erwin grunts, hoisting Levi’s body up and down, pausing between his guttural moans. The only other sounds in the room are Levi’s whines and the slapping of their skin meeting. “You take it- so well-”

Levi’s heard these words before, so many times,

“You’re so fucking tight-”

But never have they brought so much warmth,

“Ah, Levi, I-”

Or kept him so close to the edge-

“I love you, Levi-”

The words slip Erwin’s mouth. If Levi’s only tether to reality wasn’t the constant stream of words filtering through Erwin’s mouth, he might have missed it, amongst the blinding pleasure pulsing from body to body.

But he didn’t. They were real.

Inescapably real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr, and don't forget to comment if you enjoyed! It's much appreciated.


	25. Chapter 25

The silence in Erwin’s office starts with a brief pause from their heavy breathing, and slowly builds into a large chasm between them, breaking apart their carefully constructed intimacy. It wouldn’t be noticeable to anyone else, but it’s completely obvious to both of them. Something changed between them. 

Levi feels something, an emotion, of some sort, but he doesn’t quite understand _what_. It’s a foreign warmth in his body - forming a deep throb just above his heart - but it’s not painful. It might even be comforting, if he focused on it for long enough... 

They continue as normal. Erwin cleans him and dresses him as normal. Levi finds it easy to walk, even with the burn in his ass, but Erwin still accompanies him to his room to say goodnight. It was somehow assumed that Levi would sleep in his own bed tonight.

They kiss, like they usually do. And then they part, like they usually do.

\---

Everything returns to normal the next day. Almost.

Levi makes a strategic decision to pretend that he never heard those three words, even though they play on repeat within his mind relentlessly. He goes through the motions of his day, and neither avoids Erwin or seeks him out. He even lies through their weekly scheduled talk, which Levi vowed not to lie during. But it’s not like Erwin brings up the subject either. He simply follows Levi’s lead, and lies himself. 

They’ll have to confront it at some point, Levi knows. But it’s for the best if he waits, giving himself the time and space to form the words in his mouth. He doesn’t want to fuck this up, not when it’s the only thing in his life keeping him sane. 

_After the expedition,_ Levi promises himself. _After the expedition, I’ll tell him…_

\---

Levi grunts as he wipes the blood from his face, stained by the crunch of human flesh between titan teeth. He longs for water - hot and steamy water - running down his face and body to wash away the layers of blood caked on his skin. But the sweat from his hairline will have to for now.

The expedition was a success. They completed all their orders and then some. A record low amount of soldiers died. Hanji in particular seems pleased with their research notes. 

Levi watches from a distance as the soldiers from Tress’ Squad walk through the gate to Trost, looking defeated, broken, and alone. They bore the brunt of the carnage, and Tress had been lost amongst it. Then, in stark contrast, he looks to the people gathered on the streets of Trost, cheering at the return of the Survey Corps. It’s the first time in their existence that the Survey Corps has ever received praise on the streets.

It feels like a new beginning. For all the destruction that the fall of Wall Maria has created, the Survey Corps are now a valued commodity. A military force that is willing to leave the walls, to stand up to the titans, and to defend the human race? It speaks volumes to the minds of the masses, now starving through the worst famine in history. 

“Commander! Commander!!” One woman shouts at Erwin, waving her arms high in the air. “Our saviour! Thank you, for saving us from the titans!!”

Erwin doesn’t smile. He simply waves Levi over, and presents him to the crowd.

“Corporal Levi killed thirty titans today,” Erwin claims in his loud, booming voice. “He is our true saviour. The strongest soldier humanity has.”

Levi’s face burns bright red. He’s embarrassed, and confused. He looks back at Erwin with a deep frown, but that doesn’t stop the people from shouting his name. 

“Levi! Our hero!!”

“Humanity’s Strongest!!”

It's overwhelming, to say the least. Levi has never liked being the centre of attention, and he can feel his legs turn to jelly at the sight of so many eyes trained on him. Suddenly, he’s sweating so much more than before, enough to truly wash the blood from his face. It gets to the point where he has to turn away, hiding far away from the attention that Erwin has bestowed upon him.

\---

Levi takes a day to rest his tired muscles, alone, in his room, isolated. He knows he must confront Erwin today, before he leaves for Mitras to face a debriefing on the expedition, or he’ll regret putting so much distance between them.

He doesn’t resent Erwin for what he’s done, making him into a reluctant hero. He just doesn’t understand _why._ A million questions run through Levi’s mind, and he saves the best of them for Erwin’s office. 

When Levi knocks on Erwin’s door and enters, Mike is sitting on the chair opposite him.

“Corporal Levi,” Erwin greets, with typical warmth. “Take a seat.”

Levi eyes both Mike and Erwin, who look to have settled down into a long conversation. He takes a seat, and prepares himself. This kind of meeting has happened before. He can anticipate what will happen.

“I just informed Mike that you will no longer be a part of his Squad,” Erwin says.

“Okay,” Levi replies, slowly as he processes the words. _Here it comes,_ he thinks.

“You will be promoted to Squad Leader, effective immediately.”

Levi sucks in a shocked breath. He doesn’t deserve this. He knows he doesn’t deserve this. There are at least twenty other people who are more qualified to take this position. Francis. Curt. Nanaba. The list goes on. 

But instead, Erwin has picked Levi, a Corporal of only six months, and a soldier of only eighteen. Levi can almost feel the opposition from Mike, sitting beside him. But his former Squad Leader stays quiet, obedient to Erwin’s words, and quickly runs through the next steps of his promotion.

And then Mike takes his leave, forcing Levi to face the truth.

“Erwin,” Levi says, “I can’t-”

“I know,” Erwin replies, “you have reservations, and questions.”

“I have a lot of fucking questions,” Levi mutters. “Enough to make me want to refuse this promotion altogether. I don’t deserve it.”

“No, you don’t.”

Levi takes another shocked breath. There it is. The blunt truth.

“But you’re more than qualified for the job.” Erwin says it like he’s reading from a list. “You’re a highly skilled and trained soldier, with abilities that eclipse even Mike. Your military achievements are three times the size of anyone else I was considering for the job. And your leadership skills… well, you’re a natural. Anyone can see that.”

Levi sighs, raking his hands over his face. Of course, Erwin would give him a million reasons to take the job. Not that he has much of a choice in the matter, anyway. Nobody turns down a promotion like this. 

“Not only that… but I would have made you into a hero for nothing.”

Levi looks up, shooting Erwin a look of pure distrust and anger. Of course. Of _fucking_ course. 

“You _planned_ that,” Levi sneers. “You planned that whole show in Trost, feeding me to the people like a piece of meat - something which I never agreed to, by the way - just so you can make me into some sort of _hero._ Did you plan it before or after Tress died? Or was that just good luck, for once.”

Levi can see Erwin soften under his words. “I’m sorry-”

“No. Don’t apologise.” Levi says immediately. He doesn’t want Erwin to apologise for something that might help further their cause. He might be angry, but he has priorities. “Just tell me why.”

“Because you’re incredible, Levi,” Erwin says with total awe. “If the people knew of even half of your feats, they would be throwing themselves at your feet.”

“Yeah, well, they almost did,” Levi scoffs.

“Nobody slays thirty titans in one expedition,” Erwin continues. “ _Nobody._ Not even Mike.”

Levi has never compared his kill count to others. To be honest, he barely even counts on some expeditions, preferring to simply run on autopilot and let himself kill without thinking. And that doesn’t even include the times he’s blacked out in rage, which have become more and more infrequent with time. 

“Fine. So I’m amazing on the battlefield. Whatever.” Levi says nonchalantly. His achievements mean nothing compared to Erwin’s own. To everyone else’s. “But beyond that… I’m the most unlikable person you’ll ever meet. I’m rude, grumpy, and I never smile. I’m not handsome like you. I’m not even _tall._ ”

Erwin opens his mouth, as if to argue, but Levi cuts him off. Erwin is too biased in his opinion of Levi to argue any of it. “So why not you? Why _me?_ ”

Erwin’s expression darkens. “The people will grow to hate me. They will see me as a symbol of death, destruction, and failure.” He explains. “Today was an extraordinary exception. The people are dying in the streets, and they’re grasping to any scrap of hope they can. For now, the Survey Corps represents that hope. But when the famine passes, possibly before then, even, the tide will change. The Survey Corps will be hated once more.”

“How do you know? You can’t predict these things. We’ll reclaim Wall Maria to keep favour.”

Erwin frowns. “Anyone who has seen beyond Wall Rose can tell that reclaiming Wall Maria will not be easy. In fact, it could be damn near impossible. It will take years of bloodshed before we can even get _close_ to a victory.”

Levi takes it all in, and succumbs to the inevitable of Erwin’s scheming, as the pieces fall together so seamlessly. Erwin, and his brilliant - although pessimistic - forethinking will be proven true. Wall Maria won’t be reclaimed for years. The people will hate the Survey Corps once more. 

“And I, as Commander, will be the symbol of that hate. The people will call me terrible names, like they taunted Shadis and the men that came before him.” Erwin then leans forward, looking Levi keenly in the eye. “But you, Levi, will be independent. Like the wings that fly on our backs, you will be free from that hate. For who can scorn a man who actually gets results?”

Levi thinks back to his first expedition, leaving the gates of Shiganshina, with the echoes of the people shouting Erwin’s praises for the Long Range Scouting Formation. “Just like you and Shadis,” Levi mutters.

“And _that_ is why I named you Squad Leader.” Erwin concludes. “I need you as a symbol more than anything. I’m just… very lucky to have also found a symbol that excels in leadership.”

Levi sits in silence for a while. Too much talking has never done him well, but all of this political maneuvering and scheming has made his head hurt and his heart ache for the simplicity of the Survey Corps before Wall Maria fell. He never had to have conversations like this with Erwin back then.

And by the look on Erwin’s face, it seems like he isn’t too fond of it either. 

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” Erwin mutters, breaking the silence. 

“No, it’s fine,” Levi tries to convince himself, by saying the words out loud. “Whatever I can contribute to humanity’s cause, I will.”

“And what about us?” Erwin says his last word with such affection, it’s impossible for Levi to miss his intentions.

“We’re fine,” Levi says. “Don’t make it any more complicated than what it is, Erwin. We’re together. That’s it. Don’t fuck it up.”

“Is that what I’ve done?” Erwin asks tentatively, almost scared. “ _‘Fucked it up?’_ ”

Levi is left speechless, taken for words. By keeping his distance and taking time to sort out his emotions, he’s had time to figure out his place in their relationship. It’s served Levi well, but that doesn’t mean it’s served Erwin in the same way. 

“Erwin- I- _No,_ ” Levi manages, before rounding the corner of Erwin’s desk to sit on his lap.

“The door isn’t locked-”

“I don’t care,” Levi says, taking Erwin’s face to his hands. “Look at me.” Erwin’s eyes meet his own, almost dangerously, with an edge that almost taunts him. _Break up with me,_ they say. But Levi refuses to budge. 

Levi sighs. “You know I don’t deal well with my emotions. What you said… it made me _happy,_ Erwin. Genuinely happy. That scared me, for a moment. I just needed to sort through my emotions.”

“It made you happy?” A small lopsided grin starts to form on Erwin’s face, accentuating his features so gorgeously. 

“Yes, you moron,” Levi growls, sliding himself off of Erwin’s lap and straightening himself out. “Being happy is foreign to me. So what?”

“Levi.” Erwin calls out to him, and manages to grasp his hand. “It’s okay. I don’t mind if you can’t say it back… as long as I can say it to you.”

Levi softens, only a tiny bit, turning to face Erwin. “Of course,” he replies, and Erwin stands up so they can kiss, a long and drawn out connection of their lips, ending only because anyone could walk in at any time.

“I have to go away for a few days, as you know,” Erwin says, a hand on his hip. “But when I get back… I want to whisper the words into your skin as I pleasure you. I want to say them over and over again, until you come underneath me. Would that be okay?”

“Yes,” Levi replies with a slight nod. He tries not to blush. “It would.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come and find me at spinsy.tumblr.com . Thanks to my beta, sugoilevi, and all my commenters so far. The end is near. Hopefully.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the wait, but I bring with me two chapters today!! It was initially one large chapter, but I split it into two because short chapters are kinda the structure of this story.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

Levi is halfway through setting up his new office when he hears the news. Hanji comes barging in, with Mike and Nanaba in tow, and practically shoves a news clipping in his face.

In any other circumstance, Levi would have rolled his eyes and told Hanji to piss off. But Hanji isn’t smiling or laughing like they usually are when they’re trying to play a game. Hanji is deadly serious, and almost solemn, in the way they present themselves. Mike doesn’t look any better, and Nanaba looks like she’s been crying.

Levi reaches only one conclusion. 

“ _No,_ ” Levi gasps, as he slowly feels the edges of his world come crashing down around him. There’s only one reason why the three in front of him would be gathered to see him, only one reason why they would look so sad, only one person who could-

“Levi.” Hanji is stern, as if noticing that Levi is losing himself to madness. “Stop. Just read it, okay?”

Levi forces himself to look down and bring the newspaper clipping into focus. He starts to read, praying for good news.

_CONSCRIPTION ANNOUNCED - SURVEY CORPS TO LEAD RECLAMATION EFFORT_

_In a Royal Proclamation made by the King, all refugees over the age of eighteen are to be conscripted into a special military expedition to reclaim Wall Maria, launched by the Survey Corps. Candidates will engage in one week of training, conducted by the Survey Corps, and will join them on the special expedition in three months time._

_This announcement comes after lengthy talks between the Military Council and the Commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin Smith. Sources say that the decision was unanimous._

Levi stops reading. He can’t stomach reading Erwin’s name, attached to such a ludicrous idea. In three months time? There was no way they could possibly reclaim the wall in that amount of time… all those refugees will die, very quickly.

And Erwin…. he can’t even begin to wonder why he would ever agree to this.

Suddenly, Levi feels too dizzy to stand up anymore, having to collapse into the chair beside him.

“I don’t understand…” Levi mutters, wanting to bury his face in his hands. “Why would he… How could he…”

“I don’t know, Levi,” Hanji says, softly and gently, much unlike their usual nature. They’ve all been affected by this announcement, just as much as Levi has. “All we can do is wait for him to come back…”

“Those refugees… those _people_ … they won’t even stand a chance...” Levi says in a daze. It doesn’t feel real.

“I don’t think they’re supposed to stand a chance,” Mike says softly. “I think the idea is that they’ll die… and the famine will end.” 

Levi feels like he’s going to be sick. He grips the side of his desk and wills his stomach to stop churning. They’re going to kill thousands of people, in cold-blooded genocide. It’s too much to fully comprehend. _It doesn’t feel real._

Levi had thought that Erwin’s death would cause him an immense amount of pain, but he never considered what would happen if Erwin betrayed him instead.

\---

Hanji decides to drink their sorrows away at the nearest tavern, although Levi would rather solve his problems in a dark room in isolation. But since Hanji doesn’t take no for an answer, Levi is unfortunately dragged along by the collar, aside Mike. Nanaba, still a Corporal, can’t leave base without permission from the Commander, so she luckily stays behind.

Levi watches as Hanji drinks themselves into oblivion, unable to fully relax. Hanji looks more fucked up over this decree than anybody, acting extraordinarily manic, even by Hanji's standards. 

Sometimes, Levi forgets that Hanji has lost just as much as he has.

So when Hanji approaches him with a bottle of liquor and asks him to help them up onto a table to sing folk songs, he doesn’t object. It might give Hanji the illusion of happiness, although fleeting. 

Mike, on the other hand, stays depressingly sober and stoic. His way of dealing with tragedy is much like Levi’s; quiet and alone, minus the alcohol and anger. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to be here, and would rather be back at Headquarters, in his own bed, with another certain soldier holding him tight. 

Halfway through the night, a male civilian approaches Levi.

“Are you Squad Leader Levi?” He asks, looking up and down at Levi’s stature, scrutinising him intensely. Levi can see the word form in his eyes. _Short._

“Yeah, that’s me,” Levi replies. He had briefly considered denial, but at the simple mention of his name, a small crowd has gathered around them. People know his face now.

“You’re the Commander’s little pet dog aren’t you?” The man sneers at Erwin’s title, causing a shiver of anger to roll down Levi’s spine. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him. Tell him what a fucking awful idea this expedition is.”

There are two ways Levi could solve this problem. The first way involves violence. He could punch the man in the face for insulting Erwin’s name and start a fight, completely ruining the image that Erwin has built for him. An image that has strategic importance. 

Or, he could use logic, and try to talk the man down. Obviously, this course of action is preferred, but it’s purely unnatural to Levi. His fists are much more talented than his words, but he tries his best to convey himself through a tipsy haze of alcohol.

“I could,” Levi says, trying his best to sound sympathetic. “But it wouldn’t change his mind. I don’t have any influence over strategy, and I certainly don’t have any influence with the Council or the King.”

“But aren’t you supposed to be Humanity’s Strongest Soldier? Surely that has to count for something?”

Levi can’t help but let out a bitter laugh. “It counts for nothing.”

Levi braces himself for more argument, or possibly even a physical fight, but the man simply dampens and releases a defeated sigh. Levi feels like he’s just told a child that magic isn’t real. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all Levi can give, to a dying man. “If it means anything to you, I hate the idea. It’s fucking awful.”

The man doesn’t humour Levi with a smile. He knows he’ll be dead in a few months anyway. But he does clap Levi on the back in appreciation. 

“You’re a true man of the people, Squad Leader.”

“I’m really not-” But the man is already gone, lost to a sea of people now staring at him in awe.

He feels like an animal in a zoo. People are looking at him like he’s something amazing, a marvel to behold, but if only they knew the dirty details of his past.... they would never look at him like that again. 

“Fuck, I hate my life,” Levi says bitterly, drowning the rest of his ale. It makes his stomach sick, and his body sway. If Erwin were here, he’d wrap an arm around his shoulders and urge him to drink some water. But instead of being here, Erwin is off in the capital, dirtying his hands with the blood of thousands of refugees.

It’s that thought of Erwin that pushes Levi to start running. He has to get out of this damn bar before he suffocates amongst the bodies. Before he starts to feel like he’s already died, breaking down in front of the masses.

He runs fast, as quickly as he can, through the streets of Trost and the terrain outside of the inner wall. Over the hills and eventually through the forest, dodging trees and bushes alike. He runs and runs and runs, only desperation fueling his muscles.

_Erwin. How could you?_

It’s exhaustion that eventually stops him, collapsing to the ground, uncaring for the dirt he’s fallen into. 

He’s been running for an hour, non-stop, with no direction. When he spots a nearby stream of water, he falls to his knees, gulping it like he breathes air. It stops his rampant panic, calming his thoughts into clarity. 

He could leave, right now. Return to the Underground and his old life. Leave this bloody life for another bloody life, with significantly less sunshine. Whether he’d be happier in the Underground, he can’t predict. 

But the Survey Corps has one thing the Underground doesn’t; there are people here depending on him. There are friends, waiting for him to return. There are civilians, that now call him a hero. There are tethers everywhere, binding him to the Survey Corps. Tethers that have nothing to do with Erwin at all. 

_You may love Erwin, but he isn’t your world._

No. Levi’s world is much larger than that.

\---

Erwin returns the next day, and Levi stands in the courtyard as he disembarks from the carriage. He’s clearly exhausted, but still determined. He knows that he’ll face opposition from his soldiers, and he’s ready for it.

He stops in front of Levi.

“I can explain,” Erwin says. He pauses, obviously trying to find the right words to explain himself, but it’s clear on Levi’s face that it will take more than a few pretty words to fix this.

“I’m waiting,” Levi replies, arms crossed.

Erwin grimaces. “Gather the Squad Leaders for a meeting in my office.”

“Yes, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (26) was posted at the same time as the next chapter (27), so make sure you click the "next chapter" button to keep reading!!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's a sex scene in this chapter. It involves asphyxiation and talk of burns. I recommend that you DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, or at least not without the proper training. It could kill you or your partner.

“I know you’re all wondering why I’ve endorsed this,” Erwin tells them after they gather. “I wish I could say that I fought this.”

Levi holds his breath. He wishes for it too.

“But I didn’t. The truth is, the King and Council have been thinking about this for a while, quite possibly since the wall fell. They were adamant, and weren’t going to change their minds.”

“With all due respect, sir, you could have refused to cooperate,” Hanji interjects. “We don’t _need_ to be involved with it.”

Levi expects Erwin to get angry and chastise Hanji, but he simply nods in return. “I could have. But the expedition would have gone on without us… and I never would have secured a full three years of funding for our efforts.”

The mood of the room drops instantly, as all the Squad Leaders but Levi start to talk at once. Surprisingly, it’s Mike’s voice that can be heard the loudest.

“ _Wait,_ you’re telling me you actually bargained with people’s lives,” Mike growls. “What the fuck, Erwin!”

Erwin raises his hands to cease the voices, calling for calm.

“Look, I don’t want to lie to you. I asked for funding in exchange for the cooperation of the Survey Corps.” Erwin explains, face grim. “But again, they were pretty adamant that this would go ahead with or without the Survey Corps. They were beyond argument.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Hanji yells.

“They stand no chance,” Mike mutters. “Every single one of those refugees will die.”

Besides Levi, there are similar arguments from the other Squad Leaders. 

Levi wants to join in. He wants to scream at Erwin for doing this to him - to them - but he can’t. Erwin is right, just like he always fucking is, as much as Levi hates to admit it.

“Erwin made the right call here.” Levi’s interjection stops all other voices. He can feel the eyes of his peers bearing down on him, but he focuses himself forward, onto Erwin’s formidable and deadly figure. “At least this way… there’s some gain. People might stand a small chance if we train them, and we get the money. It’s a better situation than the alternative.”

“ _But Levi,_ ” Hanji hisses beside him, like there's a betrayal. Maybe it is. “It’s going to be a bloodbath.”

Levi agrees with a nod. “But that’s our specialty, don’t you think?” 

There isn’t much more argument after that.

\---

Levi finds Erwin in the gym, attacking a punching bag viciously. This isn’t the first time Levi has seen him use boxing as an outlet, but the intensity is beyond normal. The punching bag is starting to fray at the edges as it rocks from side to side.

“Thanks for sticking up for me,” Erwin says between punches. 

“I hate myself for it.” 

Erwin’s arms drop to his side, stopping his movements. “And I hate myself for putting you in that position.” 

Levi grimaces. It’s a vicious cycle of self-hate. “I know.” 

In a second, Erwin is embracing him. Levi tries to forget about the sweat that is now transferring bodies, but he can’t. He can only stand stiffly, allowing Erwin to take him. 

“If I could change it, I would,” Erwin whispers into his hair. 

“I know,” Levi replies. He likes the sentiment, but it’s not going to change a thing.

\---

Levi wakes in Erwin’s bed, surprisingly with his pants still on. He remembers Erwin taking off his shirt, but beyond that, he can only remember kissing him and falling into a deep sleep. He turns around to find the bed empty, a deep imprint left from where Erwin was lying.

Levi looks beyond the bed to find Erwin leaning on his window sill, head perched half outside. When he pushes himself forward into a sitting position, he can smell a familiar pungent odour that tickles the inside of his nose. 

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Levi says, sleep still weakening his voice. 

“Sometimes,” Erwin replies, giving Levi a brief look. “When I’m stressed out enough.” 

Levi yawns. “They’ll kill you, you know.” 

“So will titans,” Erwin says, before wincing, the day’s events still raw in his mind. “Sorry.” He moves to smash the cigarette against the wall, but Levi can’t help himself. 

“Wait- I don’t care if they kill you… but do you mind sharing?” 

Erwin lifts an eyebrow. “I didn’t know _you_ smoked.” 

“Used to, in the Underground,” Levi replies, eyes trained heavily on Erwin’s figure as he makes his way over to the bed. “It was a foolish habit. Still is, I guess.” 

“We're both foolish, then,” Erwin murmurs, holding out the cigarette for Levi to take. 

Levi can tell that Erwin has rolled this one himself, a jagged edge sticking out from the side. But from the smell, it isn’t cheap tobacco. In fact, it smells unlike anything Levi has ever had before, meaning it’s most likely very expensive. 

Levi brings it to his lips, inhaling a shallow breath. It’s been so long, his first instinct is to cough up the irritating smoke. But he keeps it down long enough, before opening his mouth and exhaling the smoke into the air. 

He takes another drag, for longer this time, drawing out the actions under Erwin’s scrutinising gaze. As he breathes out, he tips his head back, elongating his neck in a relaxed fashion. He looks to Erwin, his eyes already lidded with lust. 

“Hey,” Levi says, leaning back on the bed, passing the cigarette off. “You know, you should press this into me.” 

Erwin's eyebrows lift. “Into you?” 

“Into my skin,” Levi says, rolling over to his left, showing off his rib cage. “I have a collection of scars.” There are little round circles, faded into white ghosts, left by other men who have burnt his skin. 

“That’s unsafe,” Erwin states as if reading from a rule book. “And I don’t know the first thing about caring for burns.” 

“ _Fine,_ ” Levi mutters, exasperated. “Will you choke me then? Just a little?” 

“We’ll see,” Erwin replies. “Let me finish my cigarette first.” 

He takes another drag, this time prematurely forcing it from his mouth and surging forward to hover over Levi's face. With a smirk, Erwin breathes out the smoke, lips wide open and hovering just over Levi’s own. 

Levi forces himself to inhale, taking in the smoke that entangles with Erwin’s breath. It makes him forget all his senses, focusing solely on Erwin and the expectation thrumming under his skin. 

“Erwin, I want you,” Levi whines, grabbing at Erwin’s bare chest. “Just fuck me already.” 

“Ever the impatient,” Erwin drawls, before perching the cigarette between his lips while his hands roam down Levi’s body. A hand palms Levi’s crotch, emitting a low groan, but it never goes further than that. Erwin simply strokes and teases, just enough to leave Levi extremely aroused, but nowhere near enough to fulfill him. 

After several minutes of tantalising frustration, Erwin finally breathes his last puff of smoke and ditches the cigarette to the bedside table, where the ash leaves a dirty black smudge on the wood. 

“Are you finished yet? Finally gonna fuck me?” Levi’s words bite, intended to provoke. 

Erwin simply smirks. “What makes you think you have the right to order me around?” There’s something sadistic hidden in his words, sending shivers down Levi’s spine. Erwin’s hands grab at his arms roughly, pinning him to the mattress and rolling down on top of him. “Last time I checked, you were just my fuck toy to use when I wanted.” 

Levi freezes, unused to hearing such brutality and harshness from his lover, who has always been so attentive and soft, even when performing such harsh acts of debauchery. No, this is what it’s like to fuck Erwin when he’s highly stressed and at breaking point; unfiltered, raw, and unforgiving. 

“What if I don’t want to be your fuck toy?” Levi asks, voice strong and heavy. He hasn’t submitted to Erwin just yet, playing the game with mild curiosity. He’s interested to see how far Erwin will go. 

“You have your safewords if you need to use them.” Erwin says nonchalantly. His eyes narrow. “Until then, you’re mine. Turn over.” 

Levi refuses, laying still on the mattress. 

“Make me.” 

And Erwin does, pushing him over onto his stomach effortlessly. Levi tries to squirm and resist, but Erwin is far too big to escape from without using _real_ force, which would most likely go beyond Erwin's limits and shatter the illusion of the game. He _wants_ Erwin to fuck him into the mattress, so he gives in. 

Erwin swiftly pulls Levi’s pants down, flinging them to the floor. Two heavily lubed fingers are already circling his entrance and fucking inside, making fast work of it. All resistance is gone when Erwin’s fingers hook upwards, making his entire body jolt with sensitivity. 

“You look like you want it now,” Erwin mentions. He’s sliding his erection across the skin of Levi’s back now, in time with the thrusts from his fingers, simulating a fuck that Levi wants so desperately. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi gasps, “and fuck me already.” 

Erwin’s head dips, his mouth ghosting over the top of Levi’s ears. “What did I tell you about ordering me around?” 

“I- It’s not-” Levi babbles, his mouth half obstructed by bedding. Erwin grabs his face and twists it painfully behind him, so their eyes meet. 

“What did I say?” 

“I have no right to order you around,” Levi whines. Levi can’t counter Erwin’s strength, so he does what his body yearns to do; his eyes drop, and his body submits. “ _Sir._ ” 

“Good boy,” Erwin drawls, lust radiating from his body. He leans forward to take Levi’s lips in his own, barely a kiss, and more like a claiming. Erwin’s hand holds his jaw stiffly in place as his tongue searches, so hot and deep that Levi almost chokes. The taste of smoke on saliva is unmistakable between both their mouths. 

For a second, Erwin eases, placing a series soft kisses on his lips. But without warning, Erwin presses forward in a swift motion, right into Levi’s tight heat. Levi almost screams at the breach, so unexpected that he can’t help but jerk uncontrollably in Erwin’s arms. 

“Ah, I couldn’t help myself,” Erwin murmurs, voice softer now, wrecked by the feeling of Levi around him. He nuzzles Levi's neck in affection. “You were so hot and open for me, it felt so good.” 

Erwin releases Levi’s head only to push it down harshly, straight into the mattress. An instant spike of arousal travels down Levi’s spine and to his cock, the heavy weight of Erwin’s body bearing down on his head and neck. He can still breathe through the muddled sheets beneath his mouth, just with much more difficulty. He can't help the pitiful sounds that escape from his mouth. 

“Raise your hand if you can’t breathe, okay.” It wasn’t a question; it was an order, and one that Levi had vowed to honour. 

“Yes, sir,” Levi says, voice muffled, although still heard by Erwin.

Erwin starts fucking with slow and rhythmic thrusts, purposely trained to go as far as possible, fucking right onto Levi’s prostate. He holds Levi’s head down with one hand and grips his hip with the other. He growls as he fucks; animalistic and raw, claiming Levi with all he’s got. 

Levi is already too close to the edge to hold on, his cock rubbing against the mattress in time with Erwin’s thrusts. Erwin’s thighs slap harshly against his own and the bed starts to move from the force, cracking and smashing against the wall. He gradually speeds up to a punishing, relentless pace. 

Erwin forces Levi’s face to the side, sensing that Levi will come soon. His other hand moves to take Levi’s neck, applying just enough pressure to the sides to make Levi’s head swarm without blocking off his air supply. He feels himself go down, so far under. 

“I wanna see you come for me,” Erwin gasps with a slight slur, his body’s attentions split between basking in the pleasure and holding Levi down. 

Erwin delivers a series of harsh thrusts that make Levi scream. Between the oversensitivity and the lightheadedness, he can’t bear to hold back, coming with pure and blinding intensity. His being separates from his body for a while, simply floating on pleasure, lost to the feeling of Erwin’s body against his own. 

After several horrific days, it feels like bliss. 

When he comes to, Erwin is still fucking him, although his hands are no longer holding his head in place. He moves his head from side to side, releasing some of the pain there, while Erwin still fucks into him with everything he’s got, never slowing down. 

Levi tries to endure as much as he can for Erwin, who still hasn’t finished yet, but a small tweak in his thigh suddenly grows into a full blown cramp. He can withstand a lot of pain, but a cramp in his leg won't exactly leave like it came. 

His hand raises, with the added gasp of a single word. “Yellow.” 

Erwin freezes, stopping all motions, before quickly removing himself from Levi and rolling off his body. Levi quickly stretches and moves his leg up and down, shaking out the cramp as much as he can with his weak limbs. 

“I went too far,” Erwin whispers beside him, too afraid to even touch Levi. His entire persona has completely washed away, leaving only the vulnerable man within that Levi barely ever sees. 

“No,” Levi murmurs, voice slightly croaky. “I said yellow, not red. You were fine. I just have a cramp.” 

“Oh,” Erwin sighs. His hands then curl softly into Levi’s thigh. “Want me to help?” 

“Sure,” Levi huffs, falling back onto the pillows beneath him, allowing Erwin the massage his thigh until all the pressure is relieved. “I’m sorry about that.” 

“It’s okay. Safety first.” 

“We can restart if you want.” 

Erwin smiles sadly. “The mood dropped.” 

For Erwin, maybe. But for Levi, the mood was only just getting started. He can still feel the murky weakness in his limbs, and the burning desire to hear Erwin’s praises. Levi wants Erwin to relax and let go, to feel the blissful release that he’s had. 

Levi’s body inches closer to Erwin’s and his hand snakes down to Erwin’s erection. “Doesn’t mean I can’t suck you off.” 

Erwin groans, too far gone to listen to his own logic. He bucks up into Levi’s hand and nods, a silent consent. Levi sinks down, taking Erwin’s length into his mouth, eliciting low growls and breathy gasps. 

It takes a while for Erwin to let go, but Levi doesn’t mind. His boyfriend _needs_ this, even if it takes forever. 

“Levi- I love-” 

Erwin comes and Levi takes all of him in, every part of his being until there’s nothing left to give. It’s foolish, and deadly; but it’s his life, and this is the way he's chosen to live it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Leave a comment if you enjoyed these two chapters, and I'll see you next time :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was helped by [Still (Isosine Remix) - Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKe2ww1gH6c&index=23&list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC) and [Skin - Grimes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R00Vu7Ag7s&index=21&list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC)

When the first group of refugees enter the gates for their intensive training, Levi has to look away from the sight. Even though they are herded like cattle, their faces are innocent. Undeserving. It’s not _fair_.

Levi tries his best to pull himself together, to set an example for his newly formed squad, but he often finds himself stealing moments of isolation, his face in his hands. He can’t seem to clear his head, no matter how hard he tries. 

Erwin puts him on inventory and patrol for the rest of that week. Levi feels like a coward.

When the second group of refugees arrive, Levi is a little better at keeping it together. He gets through the whole week of training, but he still needs to be held at night, rocked to sleep and woken from nightmares. Some nights, he doesn’t sleep at all.

He’s still a coward.

By the time the third group arrives, Levi starts to run on automatic indifference. He doesn’t look in their eyes, but in the space beyond their faces, to the horizon ultimately blocked by a cage of bricks. His words are practiced and rehearsed, said a million times before, barely inspiring. 

Erwin, the very reason he's in this mess, is his only saviour now. They seek comfort with lies, but they both know the truth.

Nothing will make this okay.

\---

In the depths of Levi’s mind, he remembers some names.

_Grisha Jaeger._

_Carla Jaeger_

_Eren Jaeger._

_Mikasa Ackerman._

They would be refugees now, too. The children wouldn’t be of age yet, but nothing could help Grisha and his wife now. In two months time, the children will be orphans, one of them for a second time.

So Levi asks one afternoon when Erwin is alone with little work left to do.

“Can you check the registry for some names?” Levi asks. Erwin nods, and reaches for the thickly bound books that hold the names of those conscripted.

“Grisha Jaeger,” Levi says. “Pretty sure it starts with ‘J’”

Erwin’s body faults, his hands not even bothering to touch the books in front of him.

“How do you know Grisha Jaeger?” Erwin asks. His tone isn’t angry, but it’s stern enough for Levi to know that this is a serious matter - not that he has anything to hide. Not really.

“He's the doctor who fixed my wrist,” Levi says, lifting his hand. “He's from Shiganshina… I was wondering if he had been conscripted…”

“No. Grisha Jaeger was not conscripted.” Erwin frowns, pausing. “He's been presumed missing since the wall fell. He’s wanted by the military for suspected treason, but was never found.”

“And his wife?” Levi asks, hopeful.

“Deceased, during the fall,” Erwin replies.

“And his children… are they alive?”

“I believe so.”

“Do you think they’re okay?”

“I don’t know.”

Levi slumps, hand rubbing his forehead. He can’t forget their faces, smiling into the photograph that he threw away so callously. They’re living embodiments of the Survey Corps’ failures. Stuck in his head forever.

“Hey,” Erwin says, calling out to him. “This isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I’ll try my best,” Levi replies. But he doesn’t try at all.

\---

Levi wakes one day to find a more disgusting smell filling his senses. He inches towards Erwin’s body and takes a sniff, before frowning and looking towards their half open window. If it isn’t Erwin, it’s something from outside the building.

He disentangles himself from Erwin’s limbs and walks to the window. Garbage has been strewn across the grass outside the castle, and paint covers most of the fence surrounding the complex. If he looks hard enough, Levi thinks he can see fecal matter gathering in disgusting cesspools-

He has to look away, violently crashing into a wall. He feels like vomiting, arm covering his mouth for good measure. The idea of that dirt - that _trash_ \- sinking into his body… Bile starts to rise in his throat.

“Levi?” Erwin asks, sitting up in bed. Upon seeing Levi gasping for air, he quickly leaps to his feet, hands softly placed on Levi’s shoulders. But Erwin’s gaze ultimately falls outside, his expression lighting up with anger before ultimately admitting defeat. 

“We’ll clean it up,” is all Erwin says. He thinks that they deserve this. That _he_ deserves this. 

Levi is put on inventory and patrol again.

\---

Due to the ongoing vandalism of Survey Corps’ property, they’ve posted extra guards on the perimeter and outside gates of the castle. Rotated every four hours, the roster is organised by random selection. But since the roster is made by Erwin, the selection is sometimes less than random.

Erwin is on duty tonight, despite Levi protesting it. He had argued on the basis that the Commander didn’t need to be involved with such a lowly job, but it didn’t matter. This is just one of the many unnecessary burdens Erwin places on his own shoulders.

With the night alone, Levi finds himself with Hanji, cuddled up in their sheets. At first, Levi thought it was stupid. He’s only ever been in someone else’s bed for sex, not sharing gossip like children.

But Hanji seems happy with it, so Levi doesn’t ruin their fun.

“Do you think you’d marry Erwin?” Hanji asks. “You know - if there were no titans.”

Levi approaches the question cautiously. “I think, if there were no titans, we never would have met. If our lives were normal, Erwin wouldn’t give me a second thought.”

“Aw, come on, that’s not true and you know it.”

“How would _you_ know it?”

“Because he only ever has eyes for you.”

Levi’s blood runs cold. “Are we that obvious?”

“Oh no,” Hanji laughs. “You two are quite good at covering your tracks and pretending to be distant. But amongst us, it’s quite obvious. He looks at you like you’re the most amazing titan specimen ever.”

Levi huffs and pushes Hanji off the bed, vowing to rip up their research notes if they ever mention this conversation again.

\---

Later, Levi pushes Erwin down onto his bed

“Levi- What-”

“Shut up,” Levi says, pushing his fingers against Erwin’s mouth. “Take off your shirt.”

Levi lifts his fingers, and Erwin looks at him with confusion. “Levi?”

“It’s not like I’m going to fuck you,” Levi mutters, starting on the buttons of Erwin’s white undershirt. “Just take your shirt off.

Levi finishes with the buttons and Erwin shrugs off his shirt, maneuvering across the bed. Levi throws it to the side for later and starts stripping himself of his own clothes, right down to his briefs. 

Erwin reaches up to help Levi, but Levi swats his hands away. “Just enjoy the free show.”

Once Levi has most his clothes off, he orders Erwin to turn onto his stomach. Erwin is reluctant, to say the least, but he eventually turns, leaning his head on his arms.

“Should I be scared?” Erwin asks.

“No,” Levi scoffs, grabbing the oil from the bedside table. “It’s only a massage, you perv.”

“Oh. You could have just told me.”

“I’m not good with words, remember?” 

“You’re cruel.”

“Just relax.” Levi straddles Erwin’s midsection, pouring oil onto the top of his back, gently kneading it into his skin. He can feel Erwin tense, so Levi leans down to Erwin’s ear. “Relax,” he whispers, giving his lobe a little nip.

Erwin doesn’t relax entirely, but just enough for Levi to do his work. He does his best to smooth the knots and ease the aches in his muscles. Erwin’s skin is warm and smooth underneath his hands, and it takes all of Levi’s self-control to avoid nipping and sucking as he goes.

Not yet, at least.

Levi continues to work down Erwin’s back, all the way to his midsection, working methodically through his skin. Erwin says nothing, simply lying flat and giving himself to Levi. For a second, Levi enjoys the idea of having Erwin under his control, but he knows it would never rival anything he feels under Erwin’s hands. 

But if Erwin ever asked for it… well, he can’t say he wouldn’t deny him, at least in a simple way.

When Levi finishes his massage, he grabs for Erwin’s undershirt, ready to wipe off the oil from his back. But once the material is in his hands, he can’t bear to part with it, shrugging it over his shoulders.

It’s way too big for Levi, the sleeves completely drowning his arms, but it has so much of Erwin's smell. Not just his cologne, but his soap and shampoo and sweat. He’s grown so used to the smell of Erwin’s body, it’s more of a comfort than a disturbance. 

Levi takes his own shirt instead, wiping down Erwin’s back.

“Okay you can turn around now,” Levi says. He lifts himself up, allowing Erwin to turn.

“Wow,” Erwin says with awe. “You’re wearing my shirt.”

“I was cold.” An obvious lie.

There’s a hunger in Erwin’s eyes as his hand trails to Levi’s hip, pulling his body firmly over his crotch. Levi can feel Erwin’s hardness through his pants, giving an experimental grind. 

“I think you enjoy wearing my clothes,” Erwin says slyly, hands trailing into his white undershirt, feeling the skin underneath. “I think it makes you hot underneath, knowing you’re wearing my clothes-” Erwin’s hand trails further, pinching at his nipples. Levi gasps, head thrown back. “-knowing that you’re mine. That I’ve claimed you.”

“ _Yes._ ”

Erwin’s hands are in Levi’s briefs, one hand on his cock, other massaging his balls, causing Levi to buck desperately for friction.

“I want you to ride me.”

“ _Yes._ ”

Levi’s briefs are taken from him, leaving him in nothing but Erwin's shirt. The oil is now in Erwin’s hands, stretching Levi out as quickly as he can go. It doesn’t take him long.

Erwin’s button and fly is undone, but his pants are barely pulled down, just enough to free his cock. Levi is on him in an instance, sliding down, taking him all the way in a swift quick motion. 

Erwin groans as Levi chokes on air, the feeling of Erwin intruding on every part of his being. Levi quickly feels the need to have more, desperately bucking into his lap and riding with everything he’s got. But no matter how hard he tries, this position doesn’t lend itself to maximum friction.

Sensing Levi’s desperation, Erwin pulls him down to his chest. They buck together, with quick and brutal thrusts. Their lips are everywhere, on each other’s mouths and cheeks and necks. 

Levi finds Erwin everywhere, all around him. His stubble, just lightly scraping against his face. His eyes, so deep he always drowns in them. His hair, a shade as golden as the light he brings to his life. They rock together and moan together and bleed together, side by side, connected always. 

Levi clings to this moment, where Erwin is everything, and everything is Erwin, and nothing else matters.

“Thank you for this,” Erwin whispers into Levi’s hair. It fills Levi with too much joy to be real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed the little "30" at the end of the chapter count... Yes, I've finally decided to put an end to this at chapter 30 (a nice, round number), so we only have two more chapters left. Which is a little scary, but I think we'll pull through.
> 
> If you liked this, please consider commenting or reblogging from my tumblr @spinsy!! Thanks for reading :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic descriptions of gore/violence.

_“Levi,” Kenny says, pointing to a fat man in crisp clothes. “What do you see?”_

_Levi squints. He’s fat, so he’s not from down here. He’s nicely dressed, so he’s not a low-life either. On the other hand, he’s walking with a hunch and a sway… meaning he’s not exactly upper class either. He most likely lives above but does his business down here._

_“He’s a minor mob boss,” Levi replies, looking up at his mentor. He’s only a boy, maybe a metre tall, and Kenny towers far above him. “Maybe weapons?”_

_“Mmm, close,” Kenny muses, hitting the back of Levi’s head. He winces, but accepts the pain. “I haven’t taught you well enough.”_

_Levi looks at the man again. Up and down, there’s nothing particularly noteworthy. He can’t see anything that would inform Levi of his secrets… unless the clues aren’t on him, but in the space around him…_

_Levi looks around the man, this time surveying anyone of interest. Several metres into the distance he can see two women dressed in scraps of cloth that barely cover their bodies, following after the man. They walk slowly, as if afraid to get too close._

_“Pimp,” Levi says proudly, knowing that he’s passed this test._

_Kenny laughs, this time slapping his back. “Knew you could do it, kid.” It’s the most praise he’s going to get from Kenny, and he laps it up like sunshine. “One last task.”_

_“Yeah?” Levi will do anything to gain his mentor’s approval._

_“Kill him.”_

_Levi falters. He’s seen Kenny kill people, and he’s helped Kenny kill people, but he’s never killed anyone himself before. For some reason, Levi thought he would get away with that particular job. He's only a child, after all, and Kenny has limits. Surely._

_“Aw. Are you hesitating, kid?” Kenny mocks him. “You’re weak, just like your mother.”_

_Levi angers at any foul talk of his mother. He grips his knife under his cloak. “Don’t talk about her like that!”_

_Kenny smiles. “Good. Now forward that anger towards that man over there. He’s the one who really disrespected your mother, after all…”_

_Levi freezes. “What!?”_

_“That pimp?” Kenny says with a wide grin. “He was your mother’s pimp. The person that worked her to death. The person who refused to pay for a doctor. The person who let her rot and die without a care in the world. He’s the one you should be angry at, not poor old me.”_

_Without any cognitive thought, Levi does exactly what Kenny told him to. His instincts focus all his anger towards the pimp, his knife now out in the open, ready to strike. The pimp suddenly laughs, gesturing the two women forward. They cower like animals, a degradation of the worst kind._

_Something inside him snaps, like a brittle thread, forcing him to spring into action. Levi doesn’t remember much, other than a huge rush of energy and power coursing through his limbs. Everything is dark, and black, and Levi doesn’t realise what he’s done until there’s a corpse below him, wide eyes open with crimson liquid splattered everywhere._

_It takes years for Levi to realise that Kenny was a bad man, and it takes even more for Levi to realise that Kenny made him into a monster. But it takes his entire lifetime to undo the mistakes that he made because of it._

\---

Levi sits with a drink in his hands, rolling it around to warm it up, even though ale is meant to be drunk cold. Nervous pains are wracking his body tonight, and he isn’t the only one suffering. Hanji is particularly manic, talking on and on about potential research that they know will never come to fruition.

Tomorrow is the wall reclamation. The reckoning. The day when thousands of lives will die and the Survey Corps will participate. To celebrate, the five of them have decided to have a few early drinks. 

It solves absolutely nothing.

Nanaba has her arm wrapped around Mike’s stomach, and Erwin has his arm slung over Levi’s shoulders. Levi kind of wants to take Erwin’s hand and squeeze it tight, desperate for some sort of comfort, but it would be rude. Hanji is here, unpaired and alone. He doesn’t want to shove it in their face.

Mike and Erwin are talking about old friends, mostly from their trainee years. The conversation flows in circles, going somewhat like,

“Do you remember Marcus?”

“Ah yes, Marcus. He was always so funny.”

“He was.”

And it repeats, over and over again, always claiming something new about each person. Each round, the two men grow darker and sadder, to the point where it’s obvious they’re talking about dead people, even though they refuse to acknowledge it.

And then-

“There’s one person we haven’t talked about,” Mike says. “Nile, that fucking asshole.”

Levi lifts his head, keen to listen in. The arm around his shoulder tenses. “Yes,” is all Erwin says.

“I always thought he was a dog for turning his back on us.” Mike laments. Levi silently agrees with him. “But now… I don’t blame him.” 

“He made a choice. The Military Police, or The Survey Corps.” Erwin says carefully. “I’m sure he doesn’t regret it.”

Levi’s mouth opens before he can stop it, his opinion of Nile vastly overpowering his sense for social convention. “Yeah, only because he got to fuck your girl in the end.”

Mike’s jaw drops while Nanaba and Hanji stop their conversation, the room turning deadly silent. Levi doesn’t even want to look at Erwin’s expression, nervously looking sideways. 

“I mean - he did it for love. Clearly.” Levi winces. Beside him, Erwin throws back more of his drink, gulping it down.

Levi internally curses his mouth, over and over again, until Erwin stops drinking and looks down at him.

“You’re right,” Erwin says. “Why deny it when I’ve got a man more beautiful than she ever was right beside me?”

Levi blushes heavily, replying with a scowl. Talking with insults will never hurt Levi as much as talking compliments will, and they both know it. This is Erwin’s kind of payback, although Levi admits that he deserves it.

Hanji makes fake gagging noises. “Get a room you two!!” Beside them, Nanaba coos.

The conversation dies down after that, and Erwin soon takes his leave, dragging Levi along with him. They walk towards Levi’s room first, because it’s become a ritual for Erwin to walk Levi to his room when they’re not sleeping together.

“I’m sorry for that comment earlier,” Levi says, “I honestly don’t know what got into me. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“No, I know,” Erwin replies, waving his hands in dismissal. “I’m over all that drama. I don’t care for Marie, not when I have you.”

Levi doesn’t blush this time, instead yanking Erwin’s head down for a kiss, with little finesse and a whole lot of power. It doesn’t matter what it feels like, as long as Erwin's here with him.

They part before anyone walks down the hall, discreetly making it the rest of the way to Levi’s bedroom without being seen. He has a single room now, as an officer, but it won’t make any difference. Erwin can’t step inside tonight, as per their agreement.

“Don’t die tomorrow, okay?” Erwin says, his parting words. “Just… don’t.”

Levi gulps, his throat dry with unsaid words. There's an invisible guillotine hung over their heads, ready to kill them at a moment's notice, forcing them to say everything they don’t and wouldn’t say normally. 

These goodbyes and sappy confessions before an expedition ultimately ruined their relationship two years ago, so Levi settles for something simple. 

“Yeah. You too.”

\---

The Survey Corps’ role in the reclamation is fairly passive, much to Levi’s dismay. They act as a vanguard on the sides, attacking as many titans as they can, creating a passage for the refugees to fight through.

Of course, they don’t get far. How can they, without 3DMG or horses? They’re basically sitting ducks, just waiting for the titans to pluck them from the ground and grotesquely eat them.

Levi stops fighting about two hours in. All the refugees around him are either dead or writhing in pain, and there’s no point in risking his soldiers’ lives by pushing further. It’s a better use of his energy to comfort those while they die, or kill them himself if they’re in too much blinding pain. 

He finds frustration in the fact that human corpses, unlike titan corpses, won’t disappear in smoke; they’ll stay intact until they rot into the earth beneath. And right now, human corpses are everywhere, scattered amongst the fields of Wall Maria, half-eaten by overzealous titans who couldn’t finish their kill.

The visual is scarring, etched in Levi’s mind forever.

After a few more mercy kills, he becomes somewhat immune to the pitfalls of human killings. His indifference comes from years of training under Kenny, and years of killing in the Underground. He reverts back to the automatic killing mode that he’s repressed for so long, the monster inside of him that doesn’t seem to care.

Half on horseback, half on foot, Levi makes his way back to Trost with his squad in tow. He’s lost about ten soldiers, a lot less than what he thought he would, but still devastating. He'd barely learnt their names. 

He stops when he recognises a soldier writhing on the ground, leg missing and stomach caved in. Her hair is bright orange, the same vibrancy that Isabel once held in her hair. He recognises her because she would help Erwin with the accounting every now and then. She would always smile and wave at Levi, even though Levi never smiled or waved back. She was kind. Too kind.

Levi drops to his knees and takes her body into his arms without a second thought. His squad are studying him intensely, judging him for his hidden empathy, but Levi is far beyond caring what they think of him.

“Jacob, is that you?” She gasps, looking up into Levi’s eyes.

“Yes,” Levi lies. “Yes. I’m here for you.”

She smiles and coughs, now looking towards the sky. “I told you… I’d come back…” With a few more coughs and splutters, she dies unceremoniously. One minute she breathes, the next, she doesn’t.

Levi feels queasy, though keenly aware of his surroundings at the same time. He’s a hairline away from going rogue, raging until his body gives out or someone brings him back. But he knows it will do him no good. He can control his power now. It makes no sense for him to unleash it on something unfounded. 

He lays her body on the ground, unable to take her back with him even though there's a Jacob out there, somewhere, waiting for her to return. He searches her pockets for some sort of personal possession, something he could take back to let Jacob know that she mattered. Levi considers taking her earrings, but decides against it. 

Instead, he tears the patch on her breast away from her uniform. He doesn’t know if Jacob will care, or if he’ll even want to accept it, but he tries anyway. 

As his last act on this battlefield, Levi ties his cape to his sword and plunges it down into the muddy earth beneath him. The wings of freedom are dirtied and frayed with red splotches, a bastardised version of what they once were. It’s not a symbol anymore; it’s a warning sign.

\---

The civilians are angry when the Survey Corps returns with only a hundred refugees. How they survived, Levi will never understand. He guesses they just ran and ran until time gave out and a soldier took mercy on them by escorting them back.

Erwin doesn’t try to engage in the crowd this time. He walks forward, stoically, refusing to argue with any of the people yelling at him. That doesn’t stop any of the other soldiers from yelling back, taunting the civilians to go out there and see the atrocity for themselves. The fighting doesn’t help anyone, only further triggering what could turn into a riot.

Levi decides to follow Erwin’s lead, saying nothing to the crowd that taunts him. He focuses on the patch in his hand, squeezing it so tight that his knuckles turn white. He lets the thought of Jacob ground him, and keep him from breaking. 

Unlike Levi, there are some people who have lost it all today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me @spinsy on tumblr!! Feedback is much appreciated. The next chapter will be the last chapter, so prepare yourselves :)


	30. Chapter 30

Being a Squad Leader is particularly nasty after an expedition, but the reclamation effort wasn’t just any expedition; it was a colossal fuck up of the next level, and quite possibly the worst way to expose Levi to his new duties for the first time.

His first job is the death roll. He has to sit in Erwin’s office and list the dead soldiers from his squad one by one. He goes through their deaths - what he knows of them anyway - while Erwin writes out their individual death reports and certificates. He then writes out a death notification to give to the soldier who notifies their families.

His second job is the official report. He has to go through all his decisions, movements and actions during the expedition with Erwin. Any deviations from the plan especially needed to be recorded so Erwin can take that, compare it with other accounts, and determine where they went right or wrong.

With the reclamation, it doesn’t really matter because they were doomed to fail from the start. But Erwin insists they go through the process anyway, and Levi is left with no option but to tell the truth. He tells Erwin about how he retreated early and stopped to comfort the dying. He tells Erwin about the soldier who helped him with the accounting - Elissa, her name was - and how she died. He tells Erwin everything, even his deviations from the plan.

Afterwards, Erwin frowns at him. Levi knows he’s going to be reprimanded, but if he were honest, he’d do it all over again. He did what Erwin told him so long ago; he followed the choices he’d least regret. 

“Next expedition I expect you to be on your best behaviour,” Erwin says. “This was a terrible exception. You should be following my orders unless there’s an unforeseeable emergency.”

“Yes, sir,” Levi answers.

It’s an awful process that leaves Levi so emotionally exhausted that he becomes physically exhausted, eyes drooping ever so slightly over the course of the meeting. Erwin sends him off to bed, but he refuses.

“I can stay and help you-”

“There’s nothing you can do Levi-” Erwin snaps, before hesitating with his next words. “Just... leave.”

Levi considers sleeping in his own bed tonight, but he’s too selfish for that. After everything that’s happened today, he deserves a good night’s rest amongst the familiar and comforting sheets of Erwin’s bed. If Erwin _really_ doesn’t want him around, he can kick him out.

Halfway through the night, Levi feels Erwin curl up against him, his head resting in the crook of his neck. If he wasn’t pretending to be asleep, he would have sighed in relief.

\---

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” Erwin says the next day during breakfast. Their soldiers are allowed the morning to sleep, a brief reprieve from their duties, so the hall is almost empty. When it’s just the two of them, eating breakfast suddenly becomes much more intimate.

“It’s fine,” Levi says, before Erwin flashes him a guilty look. “ _Honestly,_ Erwin. I’m surprised you haven’t snapped at me more. This is stressful for everyone.”

They eat in silence, until Erwin finishes his breakfast and starts talking business. 

“I’ve been thinking about setting aside a small amount of the money we received from the reclamation and putting it into providing counselling services for the soldiers.” Erwin looks at Levi slyly. “Do you think that would be a waste?”

“No,” Levi answers truthfully. “I think it’s smart. We have to look after our own.”

“Would you come with me?” Erwin’s voice is small, almost afraid. Like he’s ashamed of himself for asking.

Levi allows himself to give Erwin a small smile, if only for a brief second. “Yes, of course.”

“Thanks,” is all Erwin says, the subject immediately dropped in favour of talking about how much money should go into research and how much money into weapons.

\---

About two dozen bodies were recovered from the reclamation, all of them soldiers. In total, the bodies only represent a small amount of those who died, so they light up extra pyres that burn no bodies.

Levi has never been to any of the Survey Corps’ ceremonial funerals. He usually hides in his room or goes out for a ride, doing anything but grieving for the dead. This time, he’s forced himself to show up. There were twelve lives under his duty of care that didn’t make it back. Twelve of _his_ lives are represented on those pyres. He would be a bastard if he didn’t come to pay his respects.

On a small table lies the official death roll, so soldiers can come and see which of their peers didn’t make it. It’s a morbid idea, but the most efficient way to relay the information. Levi watches as people walk up the table, holding their breath with friends in mind, only to walk away devastated and lost.

The constant crying and hugging surrounding the event is difficult for Levi process. Soldiers of the Survey Corps are usually stoic when it comes to loss, but even the most stoic of people have their limits. Mike looks like he’s going to throw up, so Levi joins him in front of a pyre on the edge of the courtyard.

“You have the highest survival rate of any squad,” Mike says to him. “I’m jealous. Part of me wants to hit you because of it, but that doesn’t make sense. You’re saving lives.”

“It was my first expedition as a Squad Leader,” Levi replies, although he feels sick talking about the dead as a math equation. “For all we know it could have been luck.”

“You’re the new Erwin now,” Mike says, ignoring Levi completely. “The young, amazing prodigy that soared through the ranks to become the everyday hero. The soldiers revere you, and the people love you.”

Levi, although flattered, knows that he could never live up to Erwin’s standards. Erwin created the Long Range Scouting Formation, something that pushed the Survey Corps forward years and saved countless lives. Levi’s petty feats will never amount to that.

“They barely know me,” Levi simply replies. If they really knew his crimes, they’d never look at him the same.

As quickly as the subject is brought up, Mike drops it. He turns away from the pyre and pats Levi on the back.

“When Erwin recruited you, I thought it was a terrible idea. As always, I was wrong, and he was right.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Nanaba and I are going out for drinks later, do you want to join us?”

Levi shakes his head. “Thanks for the offer, but I have something important to do.”

There’s someone waiting for him.

\---

Levi knocks on a door, the firm tap of his knuckles feigning confidence. He’s fighting every fibre of apprehension in his body just to do this one tiny action. It doesn’t matter how Jacob will take his gesture, _nothing_ will make this easy.

He can hear young voices talking behind the door, before it swings open to reveal a boy, perhaps a metre tall. His hair shines ruby red in the sun, eyes glistening with curiosity upon seeing Levi’s uniform.

“Hi,” Levi says stiffly. “Is there a Jacob in this house?”

The boy smiles. “That’s me!” 

Levi opens his mouth to continue, but his answer comes walking up to the door. An elderly lady with a walking stick moves as fast she can to block Jacob from Levi’s sight.

“Jacob! What have I told you about answering the door on your own?” She growls. In the background, there’s a small giggle, with a flash of a dress disappearing into the house. “And you.” The woman’s eyes narrow at Levi. “Get out of here! We’ve already had enough of your folk around here.”

Levi clears his throat. “Ma'am, my name is Squad Leader Levi, I’m-”

“I don’t care what your name is - get out of here!”

“But grandma, isn’t Levi supposed to be Humanity’s Strongest soldier?” Levi’s chest starts to ache. “Maybe he can find Mummy for us!!” Jacob looks at Levi. “Can you?”

“I’m sorry kid,” Levi says. “I don’t have the jurisdiction for that. But your mother left something with me before she went.”

“A present?” The boy asks.

“Kind of,” Levi replies, taking the patch from his pocket. He’s washed it of dirt and blood so it looks pristine, like Elissa really did intend for it to be a gift. “She left you this, to remember her.”

Levi squats down and holds the patch out with a tentative hand. Jacob leaps forward to take it, excitedly examining the wings of freedom like they’re the most interesting thing in the world. The little girl, presumably his sister, runs out from hiding to take a look at it too.

“You’re not like the others,” the woman claims, slowly walking forward and taking on a defensive stance. 

“They should know the truth,” Levi replies. He hates the idea that these kids will live in hope that their mother will return one day. Prolonging their sadness will only cause them more pain in the long run.

“And on that day, they’ll curse your name,” she replies, pointing her walking stick at Levi threateningly, despite the fact that Levi could take her down easily. “Now get out!”

Levi does as she says and turns away. He’s done all he can here. 

“Thank you, Captain Levi!” Jacob calls out before his grandmother slams the door shut. There isn’t enough time for Levi to correct his title.

One day, when these children find out the truth, Levi hopes that what he’s done will give them a sense of closure. No matter how much it hurts, he vows to do it again and again, as many times as he can.

\---

“How did it go?” Erwin asks, threading his fingers through Levi’s hair. They lay on their bed, a tangle of limbs as they embrace. Erwin’s heartbeat thumps steady under Levi’s ear, a calm presence after a turbulent day.

“Not well, but I wasn’t expecting it to.”

“I remember my first time notifying a family of a passing. They threw rocks at me and cursed my name. I’m a monster, for taking away their son.”

Levi grabs Erwin’s head, rolling on top of him. Even though those people aren’t here and that story is in the past, he can’t help but want to protect Erwin from these words. He tips Erwin’s head back, silencing him with a fierce kiss. 

“Don’t call yourself that,” Levi mutters, tracing the skin of Erwin’s jawline with his thumb. “It’s not true.”

“I send soldiers to their deaths. It is a truth.”

“Soldiers that are willing to die, Erwin.”

“The refugees were not willing to die.”

Levi can see the stubbornness in Erwin’s eyes, and he knows the other man won’t budge. He may never detach himself from these words of hate, but Levi can do his best to ease their presence. To help Erwin forget for a little while.

Levi kisses Erwin’s neck softly, sucking at indents and nipping in the spaces between. Erwin’s neck might turn purple with hickeys, but with the soft, pleading noises beneath him, Levi can hardly care.

They undress, gently peeling away clothes and caressing the skin underneath. Levi’s hand works between their bodies, wrapping it around both their cocks, slowly pumping back and forth. He grabs Erwin’s neck and steadies his body, rocking into the feeling. 

“I need to be in you,” Erwin gasps, canting his hips forward, chasing a phantom touch. “I need- I need-”

“It’s okay,” Levi hushes, bending over to grab the lube from the bedside table. They both need this.

Levi stretches himself open while Erwin kisses him, moaning and whining into his mouth. Erwin eventually takes over, pistoning his fingers into Levi with brutal thrusts, unable to contain himself from taking Levi apart. Levi throws his head back and allows himself to _feel_ it. He’s suppressed so much, convinced himself to feel nothing all day, and he clings to this moment with everything he has.

As Levi sinks down onto Erwin, the world blurs. Levi’s mouth opens wide, always taken aback by the feeling of Erwin breaching him, pushing into him, filling him. He stretches his body in an elegant arch as jolts of pleasure run down his spine. It’s everything he needs and more. 

They tumble amongst the sheets as they take their time, mapping out each other’s bodies while connected. Desperation to feel more drives faster thrusts as Levi allows himself to get pinned to the bed by Erwin, begging for more. 

Nothing will stop the death and destruction and hate, not even as they take solace in pain. It’s an unavoidable part of their sacrifice for the greater good, for their goal of freedom. Levi used to curse it, but he doesn’t waste his breath anymore. All he can do is take comfort where he can, in this moment, and accept what he cannot change.

This is his life now. His uniform is stuck to his body until death takes his soul, as much as Erwin will be with him until the day one of them dies. He is Squad Leader Levi, Humanity’s Strongest, and he wouldn’t go back in time to change it. 

Tears gather in the corners of Levi’s eyes, spilling onto his cheeks without warning. They’re tears of sorrow, unshed during the day, but they feel like a joyous release right now. Erwin wipes them away gently, whispering warm words of encouragement, pretending that he isn’t tearing up himself. They climax, drinking in each other’s cries.

Later that night, Levi finds his mouth slither into the junction that attaches Erwin's neck to his shoulders. He feels compelled to say it, through the tired haze that fogs his mind, even if it hurts him to be so vulnerable. Erwin won't hear it, as his snores deepen into the night. 

"I love you."

Hopefully, that will be enough for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well… it’s the end. I can’t believe I finished this before uni started again, but holy shit, I did it. Over 6 months of my life was devoted to this (when I started it nobody knew who halsey was and now she has a song with justin bieber so I feel a little cheated) and I’m truly sad to see it go. This was a work of blood, sweat and tears (okay, perhaps not blood, maybe only sweat and tears) and I have every reader to thank for giving me the motivation to keep at it. 
> 
>  
> 
> [If you’re interested, the playlist of music that helped shape this fic can be found here. ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLpmrLaxRSq1BMQgahdOYEkVsiDylpSsLC)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has commented, particularly my regular commenters: erwintoodeep, Kirim, mysunflower, Sofia_Solace, gay-theprayaway, vanity, Nephilium, rosexwald, winwin, maeeshalt, nyatche, Lustfulcat, Alastrine_Emry, xali, UmiKouno - your support means the world to me. Super special thank you to DayleLight, who has commented on every single chapter (an amazing feat in itself, omg) and given me considerable feedback and valuable insight. At points, your comments were the only thing pushing me forward.
> 
> Thank you to the people who I’ve seen reblog my chapter posts countless times: story-kat, erwinthirst, hashtag-eruri, wingedmiles, smackermans, nyatche, akira1love, erurisexual, smithlets, phantomhives-bae, monidon - your support also means the world to me. 
> 
> And, of course, thank you to my beta, sugoilevi. This fic never would have been completed if not for our countless conversations, not just about this fic but life in general. She’s proof read this fic, given me inspiration and ideas when I’ve needed it, and supported me when I hit rock bottom. Part of this fic is thanks to her (so you should all go follow her on tumblr).
> 
> Overall, thank you to anyone who has ever read this fic. It’s a piece of my heart in pixel form, and it means so much to me that you’ve humoured my little hobby. Thank you, thank you, _thank you._
> 
> As always, you can find me @spinsy on tumblr. If enjoyed it, leave a comment. Thank you, again, for reading :)


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